To get to my question I need to give a bit of background information. Please bare with me.
I had a childhood that was pretty awful; my parents had a violent relationship and divorced shortly after I turned one. After which each parent was abusive, mentally as well as physically. I was in and out of court and custody battles most of my young life, and bounced back and forth between parents all through my life until my last 4 months of my senior year my grandparents took me in after I had been attacked by my father in his drunken rage.
Obviously,there's alot more detail involved and specific instances, but to make a very long confusing story short, I had alot of emotional issues, and anger issues, for as long as I can remember. However, I've always been fairly good at controlling them.
In about the 10th grade, I asked to see a psychiatrist because I felt as though my parents were crazy, and I needed an outlet. I talked with my psychiatrist many a time, and she understood exactly where I was coming from and it brought her to tears sometimes.She eventually gave me a personality test for the heck of it. The results came back that I was Schizophrenic. She shrugged the idea off, because she said she had witnessed ZERO signs of that in the many, many meetings we had previously had.
I am now 23, happily married, and the proud parent of 2 children. I am a stay at home mom, and find myself to get irritated quite easily on occasion, in which case I blow up and my temper flares. I've never hurt my children, the worst I've ever done is spank their butts and even with that I felt such guilt that I haven't done it in a very very long time, and promised them I never would again. I get irritated very quickly with my husband when i feel he isn't taking his responsibilities seriously enough. In my opinion, this is alot of cabin fever, as I do not get out much. maybe once a week tops.
My entire life my dad has planted ideas in my head, suggesting that aliens COULD exist, that they COULD come back sometime, we've always had long deep conversations about these sort of theories. I've always found them very interesting and thought provoking. Among many other theories we have on what the origin of life COULD be, etc. I've never insinuated that these things ARE real or true, but have always kept an open mind. I've always been afraid of the dark as well.
Since my husband works a rotating shift, he often leaves to go to work, and I am left home overnight with the kids. Being over protective as I am, sometimes I get nervous ,and my imagination flares and I wonder.. omg.. what if there really ARE aliens, what if they're outside, etc. I know these are quite silly ideas.. yet at the same time I maintain that they are possible, even though they may not seem plausible to everyone.
Sometimes I do have a tendency to stay up late at night, out of fright. I've never heard noises or seen anything; it's more like an over-active imagination getting the better of me. I have been taking anti-anxiety medicine for almost a year now, which has helped with my occasional worry and anxiety.
However.. I have been seeing a new psychiatrist for about 3-4 sessions now, and he's a real straight-edge guy, He seems very closed minded, and cuts me off when I try explaining my thought processes, or explaining what I mean to him. He jumped right into the idea of giving me a personality test, the MMPI 2. The results came back that I am a paranoid schizophrenic.
My problem is this;: He prescribed 'Seroquel' to me, and I am deathly afraid of taking brain-altering medication IF I don't need it. From the research I've done on the topic.. I am nothing close to what a real schizophrenic is. I do not think these theories are real, I do not see or hear things, I do not stay up worrying about them all the time. occasionally, like I said my imagination gets the better of me.. that is all. I do not think everyone in the world is out to get me; I simply think too much sometimes; let my imagination run wild. Which, the psychiatrist told me is a GOOD thing, to have a highly vivid imagination. He is confusing!
I took his word for it.. and all of yesterday and all of today, I have been taking my prescribed doses of Seroquel. However, they make me SOOO irritable! SOO tired!!! I have two small children to watch on a daily basis, and feeling irritable and tired enough to lay down alll day is not going to work for me. I realize that these drugs do that in the beginning and that things get better later, but I do still wonder if I REALLY need them. I am afraid that if I don't need them, and take them, I will be much worse off in the end, and that they have the potential to cause more problems than I started out with. Not that they WILL, but they could.
I do get depressed from time to time. Who doesn't? It's not daily, or weekly, or even monthly. It's maybe once every few months I feel hopeless. Again, I think I have valid reasons for feeling hopeless when we are short on cash, and need so much, such as work done on our vehicles, etc. Life can be rough; but I usually start each day with a positive outlook ; it is only on occasion, such as when I get bad news that puts us back, that I get emotional.
I feel I am just an open, free spirit, who takes all realistically possible scenarios on our creation, etc. into consideration. I don't KNOW the truth about life, I don't KNOW if there are aliens, I don't KNOW where we came from. I just wonder and think. Is that so bad?? Am I a paranoid schizophrenic??? Should I continue taking the medication, or stay with the buspar anti-anxiety medication that was working for me to slow down my thoughts a tinge?
You do not appear to be paranoid schizophrenic and if I were you I'd find another psychiatrist who will let you express yourself because you do it very well. I suggest in finding another psychiatrist and or therapist to discuss your everyday life issues with that we all have. You and your father had conversations that obviously influenced you more than they should have but these types of thoughts are common; we all question our origin and the universe, etc., but if you are troubled by these thoughts then you should discuss them with a therapist or psychiatrist. You also state that buspar alone worked for you, but before stopping the medications you're on you should discuss how to slowly taper off these medications with your psychiatrist.
I hope you can also get out of the house more and do fun things for yourself and with your children.
I agree with bluetray. From what you've said, you are not schizophrenic (I have schizoaffective and my father is paranoid schizophrenic - so I do have some basis in this statement). I would DEFINITELY find a new psychiatrist... I had one who decided I needed a shot of haldol while in his office because he'd spent 15 minutes berating me about wanting a child and that he knew I had done illegal drugs (which I haven't). It's hard to find a psychiatrist who is all there, anyway. Just keep trying until you find one who fits!
BTW - you impress me with how much you have overcome your past and set out to make your children's lives better. It's a hard road, but it's worth it! Kudos to you!
Thank-you so much for your opinion! I have only been taking the seroquel for 2 days now, so before i get too hooked I will start to slowly taper off over the next day or two I think, as my psychiatrist appointment isn't for almost another week. I did call him earlier today to touch base with him and let him know how I feel about all this, and he was rather rude and said, " Don't take the pills if you don't want to, but if you don't want to listen to my advice then why did you come to my office in the first place?" Uncalled for.
I will take the buspar again.. and I will look for another psychiatrist or therapist, because yes, that is exactly what i need, just someone to discuss the everyday life issues with. In the last month or more I was doing great with getting the kids & I out of the house a few times a week, and I'm afraid the seroquel would put me back with that progress while I'm getting used to the pills, because these last 2 days while I've been trying them, have been hell... thanks again for your advice, it is much appreciated to have an outside person's opinion!
Thank you as well!! Yes, my children are my #1 priority, I adore them! =] Thank you again, your opinion is GREATLY appreciated since you have some experience with this illness! Best Wishes for you and yours!!
You're very welcome and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Thank goodness you spoke up for yourself with the psychiatrist and just keep on looking until you find someone who will really listen to you.
I can sort of see where he's comming from, as Schizophrenia is a very broad subject, sometimes referred with the "Umbrella definition" because there are all sorts of different kinds with different symptoms, yet some people can have a symptom from each kind, which not only make diagnoses difficult, but also their treatment.
However, Schizophrenia is a chronic disorder. I.e. lasts for a life time. It also is a form of Psychosis, meaning to literally detach yourself from reality. I don't see any of that in what you've just told us.
Very often people who are likely to be Schizophrenic are diagnosed with Bipolar, or vice versa, because there is a very fine line between the two. I would ask your Psychiatrist if it's likely you have Bipolar instead, because that would explain the irratibility, manic moods etc.
I did notice you said you had money troubles, but with the majority of disorders resulting in a need for medication, you may be on all sorts of tablets with possibly worse side effects. You do need more help at home... I would strongly advise asking your husband to take some time off, or work part time for a while. At least until you can get your head above water.
A new Psychiatrist could be a good question to consider, as I've noticed the others have mentioned that. But you will still have that diagnosis of "Paranoid Schizophrenic" and the new Psychiatrist will see that, so it's important you obviously tell them your situation.
i took that same test and that was the day i found out that i had schizophrenia it was strange to find out cuz my doctor was clueless about what was wrong with me so i took the mmpi or what ever it is called and i ended up seeing a different doctor who thought i may have that illness he gave me abilify and i gained 50 pounds so i then i went back to my primary doctor who gave me geodon and i lost weight but i ended up getting tardive dyskinesia from the geodon so now i take respiridone and it works great it took some time to get my doctor to change it so i realized that there are side-effects for every pill this stuff makes me real drowsy but in time i will adjust to it and i will go from there. also good if you find a new doctor anyway the pills you have to adjust to them eventually you will not have that many side-effects ok :)
I skimmed over your post because I have to leave in a little bit and I have trouble concentrating. I am going to agree with the others, you don't sound like you have schizophrenia and you at least don't have any flat or inappropriate affect in the way you write seemingly but I would have to see you in person to tell if you actually had flat or inappropriate affect or not and I would also have to be a doctor to say with 99% certainty at the same time and not everyone with schizophrenia has that anyway. I have schizophrenia and I do not see any signs or symptoms that I experience in what you wrote. The over active imagination could potentially be in the realm of delusions and such but you have to have a lot more criteria than just that to be diagnosed. Trauma does not necessarily cause schizophrenia but it can hasten the onset of it because stress and schizophrenia are like war buddies. I would get a second opinion. I've had many tests done throughout my life and seen various different professionals and they finally started saying I have schizophrenia because I guess everything else was ruled out when I reached the age it generally onsets even though I had symptoms of it practically my whole life.
I have to agree with the others that I don't think you have schizophrenia from what you've told us. If anything the symptoms sound more in the schizotypal range, meaning although they are bothersome, they are milder and not in the realm of psychosis like with schizophrenia. Having said that there are other possibilities like bipolar as suggested by john_jb1 for example. However no-one here can give you better advice than another psychiatrist.
I had a problem with my diagnosis of bipolar, after a CPN suggested that I just had anxiety, so I insisted on getting a second opinion. The second opinion confirmed the original diagnosis and now I know I must be on seroquel for the long term, but still I'm glad I did it. I found out that various things I had been told by the GP was wrong like I was on the wrong mix of meds- that one cancelled the other so I got more out of it than I'd bargained!
Therefore I'd strongly urge you to get another opinion, and if the diagnosis stays then get them to explain to you why they think it is the case.
I respect the posts from all here, but stick to your guns in my opinion and keep it simple.
This is your reply to me and it sounds like an excellent plan:
I will take the buspar again.. and I will look for another psychiatrist or therapist, because yes, that is exactly what i need, just someone to discuss the everyday life issues with. In the last month or more I was doing great with getting the kids & I out of the house a few times a week, and I'm afraid the seroquel would put me back with that progress while I'm getting used to the pills, because these last 2 days while I've been trying them, have been hell... thanks again for your advice, it is much appreciated to have an outside person's opinion! End Quote....
Let's face it, a psychiatrist can find something wrong with anyone except themself :)
Keep it as simple as possible.
Good Luck Again...
My last paragraph sounds rather offensive to psychiatrists in general and what I really mean is that we all have life issues and problems, even psychiatrists ofcourse.
I'll stop now....:) before I get into trouble....
I have another appointment set up for Tuesday with my psychiatrist, and I am going to talk more in depth about things with him.. he's never let me explain things. Anytime I've tried to tell him things about my past that deeply scarred me, he has cut me off and said, " Well that's not what we're talking about right now...' As far as I know, he's getting a paycheck because of his clients such as me, and if there's something I find it necessary to address, I think that he should at least hear me out Maybe h
Having somewhat of a troubled past I think that yes.. I probably do have some paranoia and some trust issues, along with a somewhat over-active imagination, but I don't believe that that qualifies me for necessarily having schizophrenia.My overactive imagination helps me to see things from different points of view and think very deeply about things but from what I've witnessed and discussed with numerous people in life, many other people including very intelligent people agree that my thoughts are interesting and thought provoking, but not crazy. I am of the opinion that nowadays things are very black & white with diagnoses. If you think too much, you're crazy. And I think that's silly. I'd rather have a brain than be a walking zombie on pills.
I was also diagnosed with a 'mood disorder not otherwise defined' or something of that sort. What exactly does that even mean? That I'm not 'normal'?? Everybody is different. I think that some people might have issues here or there in life because of their past but that it's something that can be worked on in other ways than popping a pill. He told me that after awhile of being on Seroquel we could work on some techniques... I say, try the techniques first because I've always been good about following through and practicing helpful techniques. Staying on the Seroquel was out of the question for me.. I felt like I was losing it.. the first 2 days felt like my own personal hell. I'm glad I am off of them, and the first day or two that i stopped taking them I felt a little dizzy or out of it, but now on day 3 and 4 I feel great. Thank you Bluetray1, I am on the same train of thought as you, I think, when it comes to this issue.
I think we are on the same page also with thinking and wondering about life; it's perfectly natural. A little secret for you though; if you think you will run into trouble; don't tell this particular psychiatrist ALL that you wonder about or your imagination, but wait and find the right person. You seem well grounded to me and your imagination is very important also in dealing with alot in life.
I really do hope you can reach this psychiatrist, but if not get another one as soon as possible. Don't leave this one until you find another so you can get your buspar medication or even check with your medical doctor and see if he or she will prescribe until you can find another psychiatrist. You'll be fine and much luck with finding a new Doctor or even therapist; some nurses practioners (if I am correct) can prescribe meds also as well as give therapy. Well, I'm happy you feel better because that's what's important afterall....Take Care and Keep in touch if you like.
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