since about the end of second grade ive been severely depressed since about 4th grade ive seen bugs now im 17 an a half my depression is slowly, getting slightly better as i dont feel like dying anymore...since 5th grade iv had severe anxiety since 9th grade ive had really bad panic attacks although they are getting better. in 3rd grade my mind created another identity to shield me from how cruel the entire school was to me everyone hated me everyone always hated me i would get made fun of and shoved pushed to the ground even though the only thing to make fun of me for was...i love horses its my life i cant live with out them many times the only reason i didnt kill myself was it wouldnt be fair to my horse he might get abused again i cant let that happen i have to stay alive until he dies then i can kill myself...HORSE GIRL WHAT A WEIRDO!!!! HAHAHA *shove* thats how its been my whole life till i shut my mouth in high school then i met a guy i really liked found out he was a coke addict then he raped me and beat me for 2 an a half months straight at school one time beating me until i passed out and leaving me naked on the boys bathroom floor...somehow noone found me he told me if i told he would cut me so i said nothing until 6 months after he one day disappeared this was during the end of my freshman year back to the identity thing though she got stronger in 7th grade when she started to fight me to take over but never really did until a couple of months ago she got so strong she keeps coming in and taking me over she hates my current boyfriend with a burning passion so much so that now when she takes over she wont speak to him my jaw just clamps shell grind my teeth till my jaw hurts and she also makes my eyes feel like theyre popping out of my head she doesnt blink i also am very paranoid about stuff like im always peeking around corners there IS always someone watching me even when im locked in bathroom with the window completely covered some has bugged my room there are secret cameras somewhere and microphones all over my room so they can hear and see everything im doing i thought i had myself figured out i thought i had dissociative identity disorder because of her and when she takes me over but my therapist said i wouldnt be aware of when she takes over but i fight her for control over me but i do have a really bad memory...for example ill be aware im doing something at the moment and the next day have no memory of doing that what does all this look like
btw now i see hear and feel bugs crawling on me see flashes of light smell things that noone else smells and see a guy dressed in a black trench coat a black cowboy hat with black boots black belt with a shiny buckle and a black shirt but i can never see his face all on random occasions throughout the day although bugs and flashes are all day the guy only comes out at night and so the other personality and depression but anxiety is all day as well
i have been to 3 therapists first one to talk to he said i needed depression meds so he sent me to this other guy just to get meds guy #2 said that sounds good and put me on zoloft i hated it it made me so numb i hate being numb its the worst thats when cutting and more suicidal thoughts kept getting worse so i stopped taking it a month or so later my panic attacks got so bad i'd wind up only being a school for a couple hours a week i get there freak out and go home so i said to guy 1 PANIC ATTACKS are getting so bad im so nervous my head is flying everywhere something has to change now i cant live like this any more help me what do i do and he sent me back to guy 2 for anti anxiety pills guy 2 said take ativan so im still taking it after a couple years now it helps a little my mom wont let me get a higher dosage but i think it would help but then i got so paranoid that guy 1 was secretly talking to my mom and telling her everything i said every detail and that somehow she knew everything i was doing who i was texting and calling i thought she knew i was raped cause she saw all my messages and listened to all my calls i still KNOW to this day that cops are monitoring my life watching me listing in i know my phone is bugged but i just dont care anymore iv learned to live with it my whole life i have KNOWN cops are fallowing me watching and listing to everything i do and say but back to therapists so i stopped going back to guy 1 and 2 and stayed on ativan but then everything got worse in my head i know theres someone else inside me because im a very calm person i never hold grudges i often say if they dont like thats theyre problem not mine im me if you dont like me to bad for you i never get mad its just not me i only get sad or maybe i should say sadder idk but never have i been a mad or violent person i refuse to argue even if i know im right and what theyre saying makes no sense ill just agree because i dont want to fight id much rather just drop it and move on with life but when she takes over everything is mean angry she loves to fight every word said and she hates everything i hate her i just wish she would get out of me i hate having two mes shes so evil she hates me i hate her but i think she feeds on the hate i have towards her and how she is i call her "B!tch" because shes just so EVIL sorry i keep getting off topic but i feel the need to explain everything so...i got a new psychiatrist this time hes nice i like him iv only seen him a couple times so far but i look forward to each time and hope he has a answer for what the hell is going on in my head i just want the answer i want a label what am i??? he put me on seroquel (i think thats how to spell it) 25mg did nothing now im on 50 and still nothing nothing has changed for better or worse just i am sleeping a little bit better but it does not help me fall asleep it might even make it harder to fall asleep but it keeps me asleep once i finally do fall asleep so i have been to therapy and gotten over things but i do have a history of depressioin anxiety cutting suicide thoughts and a few attempts iv also done a long list of drugs but never been addicted to anything except cigarettes they help chill me out a little i usually get bored with everything pretty quick and recently i quit everything except what im prescribed and cigs because i really just want to be normal i mean not normal because i think being normal is boring but i just dont want to be crazy any more seeing hearing and feeling things on me that arent there is getting really old im tired of it...o ya and i dropped out of high school at the end of last year but now i have my GED and have a job at my parents store.
what does this sound like??? any suggestions are helpful
i thought i would add this to my list of paranoia theres a little camera on my laptop i have a piece of paper taped on it because i KNOW those stupid cops are watching me through it i hate them so much why cant they just leave me alone i have never done anything to deserve cops fallowing me... :(
also lately i have had an extremely hard time telling what is real and what is not i often wonder if im even making people up and calling people that dont exist i question everyones reality o and i KNOW for a fact that my brother can read my mind he always knows exactly what im thinking so when im around him i have to focus so hard to not think about anything i dont want him to find out about
music is the only thing i know is real i often totally zone out and get lost in music i blast it in my ears and say this is real this is real this is real i know music is real its the only thing im 100% sure is real
and sometimes i hear buzzing or beeping like a car beeping when im nowhere near any cars at all the buzzing....i have no clue what it could be maybe the guy in black making a call to some else??? not sure
also the personality thing its like im trapped i see she hears but i control my body but sometimes shell tell me what to do and i think its a good idea so i do it its like im trapped there is two thought processes going on it in my head at once like there is someone else in my head were trapped together and we hate each other
Yes there is a lot you describe going on and its complex because psychosis can be part of ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and dissociative identity disorder (which involves forming another identity separate from a person) which both can follow a traumatic event. However only a psychiatrist would be able to understand it in full but it would be essential to seek help. If you are experiencing any form of bullying or harassment at school it would be crucial to speak to the guidance counselor who could help as the same thing happened to me then and that was able to stop it. Perhaps there is a school psychiatrist who you could then speak to further. From there they could refer you to the appropriate counseling center and they could decide how to best help and treat you.
If you can't speak to your family about it or they are unapproachable there should be a mental health clinic in your area. Google "NAMI" and then the state you live in and they should be able to provide you with some information. Schizophrenia is clinically complex and there are a variety of criteria for it such as positive symptoms (not as in good but as in things that shouldn't be there that are) such as hallucinations and delusions, negative symptoms (avoiding people and having trouble relating to them) and cognitive symptoms (difficulty processing and understanding ideas). There are also a variety of subtypes of schizophrenia. Some of what you describe has aspects of it but as psychosis occurs in a variety of psychiatric disabilities its complex but a psychiatrist would understand it in full. After you seek help once they provide a diagnosis they are some helpful books on the subject such as "Surviving Schizophrenia".
i think its paranoid schizo iv done a lot of research that fits very well but it could be DID im not sure i need help with trying to figure out which one i have im already seeing a psychiatrist/therapist hes trying to figure me out
i think things took a turn for the worst today...i saw a cop he was sitting there staring at me so i pulled out into the road to the light and looked behind me where he was and there was no sight of him...
and just a few mins ago i saw three people all dressed in black so they can hide in the shadows and the leader had red eyes and was staring right at me so i started walking to go inside and they fallowed me hiding in the trees by the trees and behind some bushes i need higher mg on my meds...my room is safer but not safe enough theyre coming to get me what do i do!?!?!?!?
I have schizophrenia. But, I would highly suggest, (I'm not saying this in a mean way) but... you need to get in a group with people that have your condition, and talk to them. Because, from an outsiders perspective, you are kind of making schizophrenia seem like something its not. Unless you are the girl, January. She sounds like you, except she was born with it. All I'm really trying to say, is you are making yourself sound bad by the way you explain things. Sure, by the way you write, and the things you write about, appear schizo but, please seek a group meant for people like you. It sounds to me like you are in a state of psychosis every time you write.
Schizophrenia happens differently for each person just like any mental illness. I'm not sure what she wrote however that made it sound like something it's not but then I skimmed through her posts because I have a diminutive attention span and didn't know what else to write aside from what everyone else had wrote and it's kind of pointless to write the same things other people wrote unless it's to stress a point or to confirm what they wrote. I take a guess by what you wrote that the girl January who was diagnosed with schizophrenia experiences it a lot differently than you which is to be expected but other people could possibly experience it that way if that is what she truly has. I only say this though because I experience some things with my schizophrenia that I think some people don't believe I experienced.
I don't think it's fair to say that she sounds bad in how she's explaining things. She's explaining things as she sees them, which is honest. As an "outsider", I don't have schizophrenia but I have family members that do, I don't think she's making schizophrenia sound like anything but what it is. And if she explains things like January, who HAS schizophrenia, then how on earth is she making it sound like something it's not? That makes no sense whatsoever. Like paranoid said, shizophrenia happens differently for each person. Your experience might be different from hers, and that's okay. Saying that she needs to find a group "meant for people like you" is a pretty harsh thing to say and isn't really helpful.
What she does need to do is keep working with her psychiatrist to get the help she needs, and she needs to feel in safe in coming here for support. This forum is for people to get reassurance and help from others that may know what she's going through, and the best way to do that is by being honest. Scared3339 is young and obviously overwhelmed by what's going on, and I applaud her for coming here and being so candid about what she's going through.
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