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Trigger....
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Founded by LovelyLemonTree on January 15, 2013
19 members
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Trigger....

"You is kind.

You is smart.

You is important."

That part of the movie is something I try to keep with me during some dark times. Unfortunately, I had found myself lost in a dark place this weekend. I was having a great a time so that's why I am so lost. It was just me, home and enjoying the weekend. I indulged in a bubble bath (it had been sooo long, years...everyone should find a bit of time to do that) and was drinking wine. And I'm gonna say the wine (and a few beers) prob didnt help. But as I said, I was really enjoying myself. Did some art, watched a stand-up and made delicious BLTs. TRIGGER..... Then, at some point I found myself scratching away on my upper thigh (a normal place) with a needle I found in the bathroom and I remember not being angry or sad or anything. I just did it cuz I felt I could at the time. My bf wasn't home and the wine I guess gave me the "bravery" (cant think of a better term...) to do it. When I woke up the next day (with a mean headache) I noticed the familiar pain immediately. Oh crap! I thought, how am I gonna hide these. Its not in a place where my usual excuses would work. So I'll have to tell him...if he sees it, which will be difficult. He said when he came home from work, found me drunk but said I was happy, then mad, then happy, then sad, then happy. he said is was confusing and I wasnt making much sense. he eventually had to put me to bed. He wasn't harboring any ill feeling the next day and I hung out at his work (he bartends) and had lunch. So, I would hate to have him feel bad or get upset with me over this. It has been a few months or more i think since i last did anything like that. Ive been waiting to come on and write this, and get it out. Deep breath....Thanks for being here...I love having this.

6 Comments
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Avatar_f_tn
First things first... ((((RUGER))))...  And you are all of those wonderful things you began your post with and don't you forget it!  Also, Congratulations for going a few months sh free.  That is a big accomplishment.

I'm glad you felt relaxed enough to have a good time on the weekend.  It sounds like you did quite a bit of self soothing, self care.  For that give yourself a pat on the back.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((TRIGGER))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Is it possible that in drinking... other things sort of came to the surface to darken things for you?  Is it possible, in the good feeling, you were experiencing a bit of disassociation and hence the self harm to reconnect?

Your BF stated when he came home he found you switching between emotions.  With inhabitions lowered, the emotional aspects were able to come forth.

Your BF loves you.  I support going the honesty route myself. Other options:  Wait until and IF he notices then explain; or if brought up and fear takes hold, there is always saying: I'm not ready to discuss the issue at the moment, please understand and reassure him that it had nothing to do with him.

I hope this helps and you keep yourself safe.

Gra' .  

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4733692_tn?1360011128
MC! Thank you for your kind words. It was so nice to read yesterday- sorry I didnt reply until now, Anyhoo.... I took the honesty route and talked with him last night about it. It took a lil coaxing but I came clean. He felt bad and was concerned, as expected but he wants me to keep working on it. I've already shared with him a bit about this group and he is happy I have somewhere to talk and that I am back at it. I know it's prob uncomfortable to talk about it with him. He asked me why? and all that came out was - cuz I can. Which is a terrible answer, but my answer nonetheless. I will def be more cautious with the booze. I don't drink as often as I did, and mainly thanks to my bf. I was a hot mess a few short years ago and he helped put it into perspective. Thank you again, and I hope all is well and bright on your side. Loving vibes~~
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm very glad your BF handled things so well and is so supportive of you.

Alcohol can really be bad for people who SH.  9 out of 10 times that I have more than 1 drink I end up SHing.

I may feel good in the beginning but alcohol is a depressant so that's not good for someone who is already depressed.  Throw on top of that the element of alcohol causing me to dissociate and also how alcohol lowers your inhibitions and I just lose control.

I hope you are doing better now.  Hugs!
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Avatar_f_tn
It pleases me to hear that you took the honesty route and that your BF is so understanding and supportive of you and that he loves you so much so as to be concerned about you.  Keep working at it... Yes!  

I agree with OTW about the affects alcohol can have on those of us who SH...  Scary...

I'm sending hugs to you both.

Gra'
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4733692_tn?1360011128
update....so my bf being all supportive kind of backfired last night. I guess he held on to what he really wanted to say. And laid it all out last night. said that this is crazy, not normal, he doesnt want to worry every time he leaves me alone and if I break my promise again (i broke it once before back in the summer...) that he will kick me out and send me back home for my parents to figure out!!!!...and when he came back from the gym he had calmed down...said I am not crazy but that this is, and my nonchalant attitude is not normal. he wants me to go to therapy. i have a communication problem when it comes to my feelings. its as if there is a block from what I am feeling to putting that into words and out of my mouth. talking to him about it was the first time I have ever talked about it with anyone in length, face to face. my parents caught on when I was younger but chose to ignore it. my friend tried tricking me into going to a therapy session...they opened the discussion with: you dont have to say anything you dont want...needless to say I was the a**hole that took that for all its worth. And i have never really talked about it. i mentioned in a passing way that I was cutter in grade school blah blah, teenage girl stuff. so maybe its time. i am scared. ive held on to this by myself for so long...i dont know what they are going to say. but thats part of it i guess. so that fear you talked about MC...i guess I should eat my own words...and I have a lot to thank this lil group for. i am grateful for the pain, the joy and the friendship that has been shared. keep ya posted on this next part of the journey ~ with love
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Avatar_f_tn
Rugger,

I am so sorry you had to go through this last night.  I wonder if it would help your BF to receive information on your illness so that he could understand?  There are pamphlets, booklets, etc for everything.  I also wonder if his reaction is because he feels helpless in what he can do for you.  So information on this could help him with this also.

I understand having communication problems when it comes to emotions.  My T has been trying to help me understand emotions.  I learned to disconnect from them so well, I can not identify them.

Tricking you into therapy was not okay.  Having your parents ignore it was not okay.  I guess being able to talk with your BF was the first step on your journey.  Perhaps therapy can be your second step?  

Thank you for the kind words.  Yes, please do keep us posted as to how you are.

Gra'


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