I dated someone long-distance for a few years who I now know has borderline personality disorder. We broke up over a year ago when I finally shut down completely and she could no longer manipulate and control me.
I started having panic and anxiety attacks whenever I started feeling "trapped" again and so I've done a lot of research on the topic since then, seen a therapist, read a ton of books including "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and am still having issues.
My concern is that I just don't "feel" anymore where girls are concerned. I don't get to feel horny, I don't get to feel "crush" feelings when I meet a cute new girl, I don't feel much of anything when it comes to girls. And if things start to feel serious I start to freak out.
From what you have explained, I'm glad that you sought professional therapy. However, it sounds like you have put up armor against being so vulnerable and this shield is keeping you safe. It also explains why you are no longer experiencing many of your previous natural sensations.
So, it is obvious that you will need to take it very, very slowly. One book that I would recommend that talks about taking little baby steps to help you move forward is: "One Small Step Can Change Your Life" by Robert Maurer, Ph.D. It is a very simple book to read and will explain why it is so difficult to make big changes, even if you are motivated. It also provides case studies of individuals that were able to make changes using very small baby steps. It sounds like you still need support and I would urge you to continue to seek professional assistance, possibly consider somatic therapy (which helps you experience more within your body) while you give yourself permission to take little steps.
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