Hey any one out there reading this please help me understand some things about amans drive to watch porn and sneak and then take it to the next level and look for singles in my area for a free lay I am hurt confused I have two girls and I kicked him out tonight and it has been going on for years this is the first time he has almost or has cheated on me and I am having health issues that keep my sex life a minimal due to painful intercourse but I feel he should be understanding and it not like we dont so other things. I am lost I tell him he has a problem and he says he doesnt the denial will keep him stuck I just need help understanding why he feels the need and desire to do this and then want a female fom my area .....Please help
I am sorry to hear about your husband's problem and the pain it is causing you. Perhaps I can be of some help as I think I can relate to your husband's situation.
I think you are probably correct in saying that your husband is in denial. Deep down he probably knows he has some sort of a problem and feels guilty for what he has done and/or is doing. And if he doesn't now, he will later. It took me a few years to realize that the "fun" I was having was not fun at all and it took guilt, a culminating event, and the fear of losing everything to get me change my ways.
I have been reading a lot on the subject and have come to understand a few things. Obvioiusly, I'm not a doctor so please bear with me as I have not memorized all the terms and don't want to go relook them up. I'll give you the basics, though. First, men get a certain amount of sexual satisfaction through their eyes. Enough to the point that it actually releases a certain hormone--I forget exactly which one--that gives us a sexual high and kind of revs up our engine, so to speak. In women, this takes touching, kissing, and more. So for guys, foreplay basically can begin before contact is made. It also happens so quickly that looking at porn is an extremely efficient way to achieve this with no effort just as is "checking out" women anywhere would be.
Second, men apparently have a 48-72 hour sperm production cycle. After a quick Google search you will see that 48-72 hrs is the lifespan of healthy sperm. Consequently, guys apparently feel a natural need to release at the end of these cycles. If you cannot have sex with him, he may be trying to find an alternative release through masturbation resulting from watching porn. Looking at pictures of singles and fantasizing about sexual possibilities may also get him going.
Please understand that I am NOT blaming you due to your situation NOR am I justifying his actions.
Third and most importantly, his sexual addiction is actually a very bad habit. As such, it can die like a habit. It may not actually be an addiction, but at the least it's a bad habit that he can (and must) learn to control. If you've approached him to tell him that he is a sex addict, he probably will vehemently deny that. But if you say that he has a very bad habit that is hurting you and the marriage, then I believe he will be more receptive. Even if he denies that outwardly, inwardly he will know you are correct and will feel terrible provided there's still something there. (I believe there probably is.)
If you read my posts in another forum, you'll probably think of me as a horrible person. I assure you that I am a good person who helps others around me and in my community. I had been dancing along a line of what I thought was fun and minimal risk until I tripped and fell on my face all because I thought I could control it.
There are books and counselors that can help. If you are a Christian couple, I recommend "Every Man's Battle." It is an EXCELLENT book that describes what I just did in much more detail. One of its main premises other than this is a habit is that it is a habit that must be cut off "cold turkey" and not one to be waned off of; otherwise, a man can slip back into the habit through a different path. For example, if your husband stopped looking for singles and looked only at porn for his release as a way to wane off the habit, he would eventually end up looking at twice as much porn. (This actually happened to me.)
A link and synopsis of the book can be found here: http://www.christiananswers.net/catalog/bk-battle.html
I hope my comments/thoughts help. I sincerely hope for the best in your marriage and pray that you two can work through this. (FYI, I confessed my wrongdoings to my wife and she has agreed to work with me. She was very upset, but 1) saw that I had a problem that I was trying to work through and 2) that I had become 10 times the husband I was before as proven by my actions the past two months. I saw the wrong in my ways and though part of me wanted to change before, I had not taken the proper steps to do so.)
Thank you so much in all the strong words you sent my way. God, is strong in my life and all happens for a reason and sometimes it takes the hurt and pain to get waht god needds you to do. I am working it out and now we watch it together and he enjoys that and I enjoy it only because it is his desire to have I guess???? anyway we have come to a comprimise that it is at my descretion and it seems to be working right now I have to make him feel like he can tell me anything even his deepest desire which has become fufilled.....i was lacking and granate i cant have intercourse like i want to but just the looking at me all sexyied up lol and that seems to be working too. Anyway i wish you the best in all you need to do to be living your life right by god and your wife.
You're welcome. I'm glad that you guys have come to a compromise and hope that it continues to work. If things start slipping and/or you become dissatisfied with the situation, I recommend taking a look at the book I mentioned. It comes as a "book-on-cd" as well so you can listen to it while driving. I wish you the best as well.
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