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Am I suffering from HOCD or repressing homosexuality?
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Am I suffering from HOCD or repressing homosexuality?

I have had something like this in my head since last Christmas. Actually, it started a while before that. I had a 'friend' who told me that because of my Catholic education and beliefs about sex being intimate and important and because of the fact that I was into art, I was gay, and he said everybody thought i was. (I was actually planning on getting into film because I wanted to marry an actress). I had an alternate fetish so I spent a good chunk of my sexual youth pleasing myself to that and because I paid little attention to just the female form, I didn't find it to be as stimulating. I didn't have a gf either because I was shy and unconfident. And my 'friend' made me feel unconfident in general, so when he started to say that about me you can imagine where I went. Then one kid from my high school leaves the school and comes out as a CREEPY gay, like comes back and tries to seduce our dean, begins to post groups of kids coming out on facebook and one happens to look normal, compared to the transvestites I saw non stop at school and i thought about what it was like to come out, getting into character as a writer. I said it with reference to some odd moments in my past and some in my early childhood, mainly when i was unaware of what sex was. I thought that because of the psychiatric terms I saw on TV, and as a child I had some sort of anatomy like fascination with the male sex organ and I had moments when i showed people it (1. to prove i was a boy, 2. cause i thought it was funny if i did, 3. because i wanted people to stop tackling me) those moments would mean I was prone to it and would give people further justification in thinking it. But i said it so convincingly with that that I actually believed it and I began to feel sexual attraction at the sight of a man's face. However, when I got back to school I bumped into a girl from my hometown that I always had something for and I fell in love with her again. I ended up finding a girlfriend and I just relaxed the rest of the semester. There was a gay librarian that tried to flirt with me and i stopped going to the library because of him. However, I go back to my hometown and get a job as a busboy and I have to come off as upbeat and friendly and Im serving townies. I'm convinced I'm giving them further justification in thinking that I'm gay and the original worrying comes back. However, this started in June of 2010. I'd go on wikipedia and see so many people in art were gay so i thought more of a reason for them to think this about me, therefore, i must be. And people always talk about how everybody has gay friends and gay relatives, and i felt in some odd way like I was supposed to fall under that 'duty'. Before this started, I'd feel the urge to do odd things in a psychopathic way. There's a knife right there... or there's a gun right there... I'm standing near a cliff... Since this started, I have never been sexually aroused by naked men and I'm quite disturbed by the idea of gay sex. I've been able to think about girls and get aroused without any problems. I watched a gay porn and thought that was too ****** up for me to do. I finally started to watch real porn in October and was finally able to get a boner from a naked girl. I only watch lesbian porn because I feel uncomfortable watching porn even with 5 girls and one guy cause i'll think it's to the guy im getting happy about. But I always try to convince myself I'm gay? When girls flirt with me I feel awesome. Guys? Uh-uh. I don't know what this is? I can find a man's face attractive, but everything else? No. I talked to my therapist about this and she says I'm straight, as does my mother, who is in touch with everybody in my hometown and assures me that nobody thinks that, because parents question each other's kids. I am slowly starting to rediscover sexual attraction in women. I'm trying to do something with a girl, who makes me feel like I'm alive when I'm near her. But I still find a man's face to be attractive at times, sometimes much more than a girls. But a girl's attraction does return. Am I a repressed homosexual or am I suffering HOCD?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.  First of all know it doesn't matter what others think, follow your dream, and if this is in art, do it.  Not all people who are into the Arts are gay.  Gay people come from all walks of life. You may still be struggling with your sexuality, not uncommon at your age.  No matter what...be true to yourself, this is the only way you will find real happiness.  Don't allow others to influence who or what you are, and be proud no matter what that is!  I have gay friends who all say they knew at a very young age they were gay, no doubt at all.  Some people are bi-sexual and enjoy both sexes, and this may be your case. It sounds like you're turned off by someone being gay and this may be standing in your way of being able to recognize who you are.  Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, nor should anyone look down on someone who is.  It's not our job to judge anyone, and I don't believe that someone chooses to be gay.  I think you need to discuss this further with your therapist. I'm probably of no help....sorry.  But I think this is something that you need to take a step back and look at.  Are you denying who you are because homosexuality repulses you, or have you gotten a thought in your head that you can't get out?  I think you still some professional help in dealing with this.  But accept it either way and hold your head high!  I wish you all the best and take care.
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I agree completely with mammo! She has given you some wonderful words of wisdom. Be proud of who you are, dont let anyone ever make you feel otherwise.
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Avatar_m_tn
Well thanks fir this. Therapy has assured me I'm not gay and well, I don't think I'm not erotically stimulated by men just because I'm ashamed of homosexuality. To me that's kind of like saying ***** yourself with a needle. Did it hurt because you felt guilty that it would? No I think it hurt cause i pricked myself with a needle.
I'm in a bad spout at this moment, but for the last two weeks I've felt natural sexual attraction I'm girls. Therapy says it is all caused by stress. I've been keeping a journal and sofar it looks like I'm actually heterosexual. Just gotta outgrow this, I guess.
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Avatar_n_tn
man im goin thru the same thing..im pretty sure its HOCD. **** i mean i hope to god its HOCD.

my thoughts started about a month and a half ago. well i had them my senior year in high school sorta, more just like id do something and be like was that gay? but i never gave serious thought about it till now. im about to be 21 and ive always liked girls.. i think.. ive had problems performing just about every time i was w/ a chick tho. partly because i was drunk, but other times idk why it just wouldnt work. and that gave me anxiety and killed my confidence, which has made me reluctant to pursue a sexual partner, which fuels the fire of possibly being gay. i hate the thoughts. im scared to look at gay porn cus im affraid i might like it. ive always been able to tell when i see an attractive guy or whatever but thats normal. no worries there. i never had the thought of wanting to do sexual things with them tho until all this crap started. i used to think it was gross to think of a guy like that. and i hated being around gay people too cus i just got weirded out by them.

what im about to say i hope doesnt make you spike.. but idk if i get weirded out cus im affraid to face that im actually gay and hiding it from myself? or if i just am not arroused by it. and how do i know if its ocd or just the first stages of coming to terms with being gay and not liking it? i obsess about it too and posted on here a few times.. but man ur story sounds alot more straight than mine.. if im hocd, your without a doubt hocd.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi im 15 and the same feeling started two days ago when I was watching the new gay marriage law. I don't know why it made me feel like I might be gay. I broke up with my girlfriend 1 month ago for a different reason and my whole life I've been attracted and aroused by women. When me and my girlfriend did stuff I got crazy and lost my mind it felt so good. But all of the sudden im thinking that living with a dude wouldn't be bad and I do appreciate good looking guys.i think about doing stuff with other guys but I would never do it to be honest. And im on the football team and I never get aroused by men in underwear or even seeing them naked it just feels normal. So am I gay or do I have hocd?
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Avatar_f_tn
Also I am male and can hocd make me think I want to do these things even though I wouldn't do it in real life?
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Avatar_f_tn
You know whether or not you are gay.  No one can tell you what you are.  Attraction is not all that determines you are gay.  I had a gay man tell me something that really makes perfect sense-- you can have sex with anyone but can only fall in love with one sex--if its women then you are straight, if its men you fall in love with then you are gay.  I am confortable in my sexuality--straight, but I can say there are some women i deem attractive.  To think someone is attractive doesn't mean you are gay and liking art doesn't mean you are gay either.  These are all stereotypes, not 100% facts.  I watch gay porn with my husband and that doesn't make me gay either--sex is sex.  There is a difference in being in love with a person and just having sex.  I think you are talking yourself out of possible relationships because you are too influenced by what others think of you.  If you really want to find out if you are gay because you are really lost-- go sleep with or date a man and see how you feel.  If you do not fall in love or enjoy the sex, you are definitely straight.
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