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Bad (or NO) performance

Hi! I am 55 in good health with no medical history and very good check up test results. Maybe it's a bit late :-) but I feel it is high time I gave it a try to overcome a problem that I have. The problem is (and has always been) that I cannot function on occasional "once-off" sexual encounters, one-night-stands and so on. Even with women with whom I eventually developed a relationship, the 3-4 first times were disastrous!! When we got to know each other better, things got perfect! Now I am married and my sexual life with my wife is absolutely OK, I even dare say that "OK" is an understatement. But on occasional chances (OK, I blush, but....) on occasional occasions for a "one night stand" I am practically impotent. I tried once with a prostitute who was a clean, pretty and hurried professional. She went down and started pumping. It was as if I had nothing hanging there, it was so "no-feeling-at-all" that I started laughing! Well, I know this is not physical, but then WHAT is it?? I have come to conclude that probably it has to do with the fact that I have never been to prostitutes in my adolescence (the one time I mention was recently for "test" purposes). Maybe I have not "classified" sexual intercourse as independent of feelings and engagements and I am always trying to find sentimental bonds between me and my partner, If I had been "trained" in my early years to face sex as a purely "natural - physical" function, perhaps I would be more sexually free and easygoing in my adulthood. The point is that whatever the cause may be I DO NOT LIKE it !! Well... Any suggestions? Thanks!
Best Answer
1180523 tn?1277384042
Well I don't know about the PRO in her case maybe other insecurities have risen, As for me they would have)))

How to get other it... Well I tend to think less about it... Get more relaxed, just go with the flow... Maybe not all of us men are built for constantly being ready to perform... some are more sensitive or I don't know how to phrase it correctly.. Just try not to think about it and things would go naturally...

Or another thought... I do believe that this insecurities come from my childhood, and if they are approached correctly with a help of a psychologist maybe they can be broken.)

And I agree with you fully regarding the impact of society and civilization as we are too civilized. )))
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Avatar universal
Dear friends, thank you so much for your answers and in particular for your kind attention and the quality of your contribution. I rarely take part in forums and I was extremely surprised by the high standard of the rapport. May you all be well and above all healthy!!
Helpful - 0
1255530 tn?1269867619
ok so what is the problem with needing to be connected before you can perform. I didnt orgasm with my husband for six months and he tried like heak and it paid of. anyhow what i mean is I must feel that special connection. just because guys are told it should be a certain way doesnt make it rite.
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Avatar universal
RE: the drugs?  Cialis at the low "daily dose"  is less intrusive easier to pull away from and not as likely to feel like you are turbo charging your groin.

I believe there are a lot of Greek foods that are high in arginine (fish seeds etc.)

Keep in mind when you look at any advise that most of the people on this site grew up in more repressed cultures than Greece etc.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sam thank you. The part "does not necessarily mean that they are of a body type that you might find attractive" is out of the question.:-)))) The rush was annoying, the girl was perrrrrrrrfectly OK. Thanks for the nutrition advice, as for drugs I try to consider them last resort and think that I've still way to go till then! :-))
Thanks again Sam!
(Saw your profile, smth wrong with the sonny? I am a father too, these worries never stop..)
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Avatar universal
Yes, John, I tend to agree with you, but this makes me furious!!! WHY should I be insecure since I KNOW that my performance is elsewhere guaranteed? And why insecure with a pro, for God's sake? Anyway, subconsciously it may be ME, myself checking myself at that time and this makes me nervous to the point of impotence. Well, the thing is HOW one gets over it?? And no, I do not intend to start dating Irving Yalom to find a solution. I need something quick, practical and reliable :-))  :-))
Thank you John and thank you all so much!
Helpful - 0
1180523 tn?1277384042
Out of my experience As Sam has mentioned using drugs, I have tried Viagra once in the beginning of a relationship... Well...

Everything went perfect in terms of erection, but I still couldn't ejaculate normally.((
And the difference in feeling must have been due to the effect of the drug as the erection was vigorous, and I didn't like that...(( I couldn't relax at all....

However as I understand your questions the problem is not even in performance, but in the ability to get in the mood with a girl you just met... So using chemical help, although it may prove to be effective, is not the answer.. For me it isn't...

Maybe the core of the problem is somewhere in the feelings, for example when I meet a girl and start a relationship I'm always a little insecure, and that insecurity follows me until the point I get to know the girl better and understand her. After I'm confident in her feelings towards me I relax completely and at that point the relationship flourishes...))) In every way..))

So maybe, this insecurity unconsciously enables me to perform normally in one night stands...) That is my theory...))

What about you?? You must have a logical explanation of the problem?

Regards, John)
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Avatar universal
Just because someone is a professional does not necessarily mean that they are of a body type that you might find attractive.  Have you thought of using  low doses of cialis as a training prop with differing women. Just a thought.

there are various types of high arginine foods that are available that also might help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Come on now, sweetpea03, don't tell me I shouldn't have been that frank! The point is I want to solve this mystery, not to cheat systematically! Should I managed that, I would be much more relaxed! Blaming me just makes things worse and questions more intense! This is a place for solutions, not social behaviour lessons. And, no, I am not a roaming ridiculous middle aged "lover"!!! But mainly I thank you with all my heart for spending time with my worries! :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear friends Butterfly and Jhnmarton, I thank you so much for your time & concern! It is a funny thing how different these two answers are! :-) Male vs Female!... Reminds me of an old MAD joke: "Man: You give me sex because you want love" - Woman: You give me love because you want sex!". Anyway, I by no means despise sex within a relationship. But I feel that a man HAS to be able to function even outside that, siunce nature has originally given him this ability in order to fertilize woman and sustain life on earth. Thus, some of us may have turned too "civilized" which (as a virtue opposing nature) is questionable. Jhnmarton, don't have the slightest doubt, I'll let you know if anything comes out. Butterfly, you ruined my day! :-) I am afraid your middle paragraph hits the jackpot - but painfully :-(  Maybe I am not the male sauvinist pig every man eagers to be. I'll keep trying. Once diagnosed disease can be faced more effectively. Be happy and well, you and the beautiful people around you :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You say you are married, so are you trying to have a one night stand with someone, cheating on your wife? I would highly advise against that. Don't throw away your marriage. I'd have to say iam1butterfly said it well....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear friends Butterfly and Jhnmarton, I thank you so much for your time & concern! It is a funny thing how different these two answers are! :-) Male vs Female!... Reminds me of an old MAD joke: "Man: You give me sex because you want love" - Woman: You give me love because you want sex!". Anyway, I by no means despise sex within a relationship. But I feel that a man HAS to be able to function even outside that, siunce nature has originally given him this ability in order to fertilize woman and sustain life on earth. Thus, some of us may have turned too "civilized" which (as a virtue opposing nature) is questionable. Jhnmarton, don't have the slightest doubt, I'll let you know if anything comes out. Butterfly, you ruined my day! :-) I am afraid your middle paragraph hits the jackpot - but painfully :-(  Maybe I am not the male sauvinist pig every man eagers to be. I'll keep trying. Once diagnosed disease can be faced more effectively. Be happy and well, you and the beautiful people around you :-)
Helpful - 0
1180523 tn?1277384042
Wow the same thing is with me... First times are really hard with every woman.. Either it is hard to achieve an erection or There is no way I can ejaculate and after that everything starts to improve as you have described.

No Idea how to fight that.... If you will find any do let me know)

Regards, John.
Helpful - 0
684030 tn?1415612323
So, are you saying that you want to be able to perform sexually in a more detached and mechanical way?... devoid of a sense of bonding and sentiment?

Not that there's anything wrong with that but, some people can only "connect" if there's an emotional connection... which may be a motivating factor based on your personality. Or, there may be a "trust" component associated with your ability to perform. You may also have an innate need for affection... along with sex which, would be in keeping with a need for acceptance and/or approval.

Anyway for many, exposing the body and its natural urges is like exposing the soul. Some people are just wired that way.
Helpful - 0
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