Boyfriends Sexual Fantasies/reality scare me..should i ask him to get help or is this normal?
Ok, im 20 years old, my boyfriend is 23. Im currently 5 1/2 months pregnant, and not havent been feeling very sexual. Some of it has to do with the pregnancy... but most of it has to do with his fantasies he chooses to make a reality which in turn makes me think of another fantasy he might chose to make a reality.
For the past 6 months, i would wake up to my boyfriend ALREADY inside of me... Now.. i was fine with this when it was me PRETENDING to be sleeping, not ACTUALLY sleeping. Because his fantasy was to take complete advantage of me.. it scared me to think of that... because it reminds me of a past experience which has scarred (not scared.. SCARRED) me for the rest of my life. But i went along with it to please him. THIS WAS ONLY TWICE that i pretended to sleep for his sake. But as the months passed... ive found myself waking up to him already in the act of intercourse with me atleast 3 times a week. We discussed it many many many times and he would stop for a few days and id start to get comfortable with the thought of having sex with him again... and just as i would get comfortable and want to have sex... id wake up to him having sex with me AGAIN! Which causes me to think of the past experience and be scared to have sex. Well.... Ive talked and talked and talked and talked till i was blue in the face about how this affects me.. and how i dont want him to do it, and he continues to do so. Now... this is not the only thing that scares me...
His second fantasy was to raise an incestual family (which is part of the past experience in which im scarred) Im pregnant with his child, and i feel like a horrible person for being grateful that were having a boy... but i cant help but be frightened that if i were to stay with him and we were to have another child and it be a girl.. that he would try to have sex with me while im sleeping and i push him away.. Well hes already got it in his head that having sex with me while im asleep is ok and "completely consentual" because im his girlfriend and he should be able to get it whenever he wants.. im scared that if i push him away and say no...
that he'll go into my daughters room and try to fufill his other fantasy of an insectual relationship. Ive already deleted porn off of his computer of a father playing with and trying to stick himself in his 8 year old daughters vagina...
and this is really starting to bother me now.
He has no regard to how him sleeping with me affects me and how it brings up a horrible time in my life that should NEVER be brought back to the surface the way its being brought back!
What im wondering is.. is it normal for him to keep doing it after ive asked him to stop countless times and then get mad at me like i lead him on while i was sleeping...and to CONTINUE to do it...
should i ask him to see someone to talk to about this? I do love him.. but i cant help but be scared to even sleep next to him more often then not... any help would be greatly appreciated!
NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL, AND I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS. IT'S A COMPLETE BOUNDARY VIOLATION, AND YOU MUST SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM HIM. THERAPY MAY BE GOOD BUT IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING IT ANYWAY, KICK HIM OUT. YOU CANNOT ALLOW HIM TO BEHAVE LIKE A MONSTER. IT'S NOT A KIND THING TO DO TO ANYONE. SO SORRY, MY DEAR.
thank you for your response..
Theres a few things wrong with kicking him out or leaving him... as i am pregnant with his child. And life seems to always have a way of kicking me when im already done.. my liscense is suspended untill january of 2010 so i dont have a car or transportation, nor do i have a job where im working more then 2 days in a 2 week period. I got kicked out when i was 15.. and in the 4 years untill i started dating him would house-hop... and seemed to have run out of options on places to go for myself let alone a child as well. Believe me i thought about both options for a while... I do love him very much and i just want him to stop. And as i said.. we've had many discussions about it, and last night we had another about it... ""He says hes done and wont do it anymore"" but hes said that many times as well, so i was talking to a friend about it she told me that if he tried again to tell him i was done.. and that id pack up my things if he were to try again and let him know i was completely serious about it.
I think that would be a good option too... but i dont want it to happen those 2 more times, i just want him to respect the fact that it brings up bad memories and NEVER do it again.
When i discussed it with Me, him, my mom and my step dad, they seemed to think that it was normal and ok for him to continue to do it because i let him do it twice knowingly and consentually..and for me to tell him that he cant do it now is leading him on. So from then on it just got worse and he kept doing it.
you might be pregnant with his child, but as a mother maybe you really should be more concerned about the safety of your child in the future. if incest is a fantasy for him, that really seems like someone who should not be a father. it almost seems like not worth waiting to see if there will be an incident, because you would not want your child scarred for life the way you are.
as for his continuous violation of you, that's wrong on his part. he should make you feel comfortable in every way, and you should feel comfortable with him. as your lover, as the father of your child, you need absolute trust and comfort in every way. if he cannot give that to you, then i really hope that you find the strength to leave him. seriously, there are a lot of male fantasies, but incest is an area you need to draw the line, especially with a child on the way. to have an abusive father, especially a sexually abusive one, will be much more traumatic for any child than no father around at all.
sometimes, too, if you tell him he can't fulfill his fantasy with you, he will still want to do it.
there are many options for single mothers, and you don't have to have a car or a man to support you. seriously, it sounds like the strongest thing to do for yourself and your child is to simply leave. that is a semi-abusive problem that has a really disturbing possibility...
that's just my opinion. good luck...
I don't know how to emphasize this to you enough, but this is just a website and you could adhere to our advice if you want to but these ladies are right and what you are feeling right now is your internal alarm that something is not right. This is only the beginning for you and it will only get worse. I work in the field with children and adults that have been abused and what you described is classic text book case of sexual abuse or potential sexual abuse . The fact that he enters your body is disturbing but that fact that he fantasizes about a incestual relationship in NOT NORMAL. Plus, he has porn of a father trying to enter his daughter!!!b doesn't that say something to you? You need to get out now. RIGHT NOW. I know and truly understand your dillema of not working and not having a car, or money. But, that does not play a role in the safety of your children, regardless of a boy or a girl, he is a potential predator. If you told him to stop entering while you are sleeping and he still does it, that indicates he has no self-control and little disregard for your feelings. Could you live with your self if something happens to your children, will you be one of these mothers that will pretend everything is okay? You need to see a social worker immediately. You need to check his background. he is not safe to be any children period, and as a mother you need to be stronger than that, get up and do what you gotta do, do it now, if not, it will be too late!
Wow..............you should really think about your child, find a new man...one that will respect you, and love you emotionally not just sexually...idk this seems like a really big problem..too big for me. The best thing to do would be to leave him, and find a rich boyfriend..if ur only reason to stay is transportation..=]
Leave this relationship now you and your child will be better off without him,If he is living one of his fantasies what will stop him trying to live the other.I don't know the laws in the US but in Australia child pornography found on your computer is illegal you can be jailed for downloading from these sick sites.By the way I was a victim of incest by my brother who was 10 yrs older than me at ages 7 to 10,I wonder if it started as a fantasy,please leave this jerk.
Get help sooner rather than later.
No man owns a woman body however much you love him. He has no automatic right to your vagina just because you are asleep in his bed! Please get help for yourself and more importantly your new baby. You are not a prisoner or a sex slave. Sex is something precious between two consenting adults. If you are asleep when he penetrated your body you are not a consenting partner. Because you love him or are submissive with him because you have already been penetrated does not give him the right to continue with the act or for that matter give it legitimisy. Its wrong and you need help.
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