I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 18 months. In that time I've had maybe 4 orgasms with him. I've tried to tell him and show him before what I need but I feel quite uncomfortable talking to him about things as he gets uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about things such as periods, I've never heard him use the word clitoris! One of my labia is a lot longer than the other and I asked him recently if he's ever minded this and he didnt know what I was talking about which kind of says it all. He hasn't gone down on me in about 10 years, I never got the impression he liked it. I've been avoiding sex for a while, we only do it about twice a month at best, and I'm often left in tears of frustration. When he comes he'll make to stop, I'll say what about me, and he might start to touch me but I don't feel he really wants to and if I say dont worry about it he's like, ok. I know I'm giving mixed messages but I want him to WANT me to ***, it takes nothing at all from his pleasure if I dont and I want it to matter to him. I've said so much about it over the years, and I've tried to touch myself during sex but he doesn't like it, and he said he wishes I could come the "normal" way which hurt a lot. The other night though he was really trying, and I realised I just do no think of him like that anymore, I really hate sex now with him though I constantly fantasise about others. Can I become attracted again? It was never red hot, just nice, but I feel he'll never be able to be as open and as earthy (if you know what I mean) as I want. He's a great guy in most other ways, but I'm mid-30s now and I can't imagine another 20-30 years of being sexually unfulfilled. As is he I'm sure, because he doesn't get it as often as he'd like because I make excuses. Sorry that's so long!
Hi billie and welcome. Sorry what your going through. He sounds like he has the "typical guy" syndrome where he is not sensitive to the mates needs. This started a long time ago and has become habit style activity especially for him. From a male perspective this is normal to me, as you did mention that sex was never red hot anyway.
To bring this passion into a relationship which never really had it anyway, would seem to be an impossibility, or a lot of tricky work to say the least. I dont think talking to him will help much as he blocks these conversations, you might want to change the way you dress or your physical appearance to make you more attractive but i think what might work is if you give him more sex, as he is requesting, an make that sex so great for him that he will want you to have the same experience as him.
Hi thanks for the comment.
Like most women I think I could do with losing 10lb :) But apart from that we're both attractive so that's not it. He's good looking and looks after himself, as do I, but I suppose its down to chemistry which isn't really about looks.
I know what you're saying about making sex great for him so he'll want to return the favour. But to be honest I feel too resentful. I was always very into sex and actually I like it quite "dirty". But he has cringed in the past when I talk dirty which really made me feel self-conscious. The other night, when he was really trying to be fair to him, I made sure I was very attentive and did what he likes, and I always have to be the "active" one, but even then when he had a very strong orgasm it was finished when he was. So I think, what's the point? I want someone to be active and dynamic, throw me round the bed and all that! Truth is he's a nice guy outside the bedroom but it means he's also a nice guy inside it, and that doesn't really do it for me.
Some people are raised shy when it comes to things like talking dirty and really uninhibited sex. I will say that there are men out there that are like this and would give this to you but then you have to ask the question, what will they be lacking that your husband does not have.
Relationships are a compromise. Some compromise this and other that. You knew he was this way when you met him 14 years ago. In some ways this is now your burden. I think this is very common in relationships.
I would not make sex all that important. I know it means alot to you, but there might come a day when sex would be really limited due to an illness, what then/
Maybe get some counciling but i will say that the longer couples are married the less sex becomes and issue. Some couples eventually end up this their own bedrooms.
I think the end product of relationships is that they become best friends to be with eachother come what may and will be there side by side till the good Lord calls us home.
Hi Billie, Reading through yuor two posts says something, and its his lack of sexual knowlege, two things that may help are first dobson and ross, and you can google that, dobson is Dr Betty Dobson, she takes life one orgasm at a time, she runs life class's for women or how to orgasms and masturbating, its a site full of infomation, every thing from postions to oral sex, its like every thing you wanted to know about sex but was afraid to ask.
And second, there used to be a magazine, called Forum it covered sexual relationshps, and they put out two books called The Sex Life Letters and More Sex Life Letters, and a third called The Sex Life File, these may go back to the 70s/80s, but sex is sex, and not much has changed when it comes to straight sex, good reading for both of you, andf you can get these from Amazon, I do have a very good bed side book but cant think of its name and cant put my hand on it, its an english book on foreplay both his and hers, covers most things, I will search it out.
I agree its my problem, I knew this was the case when I married him, and to be honest I really dont know why I didnt find it as big an issue as it feels now. Maybe its to do with getting older and my sex drive getting stronger, or maybe its because I always just thought we'd fix it, without really ever doing anything about it. Now I just think of the years of unfulfilling sex behind me and I'm afraid of feeling the same in another 13 years.
Many thanks for the book recommendations, I'll look them up.
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