Childhood masterbation and peer abuse

[mb123147]

When I was a child I used to masturbate frequently. I did not know what I was doing but used it as a stress relief. I was a very lonely and stressed child with low self esteem. I greatly disliked school and would masturbate at school from ages 7-9. The other children would notice me do it and comment on it.

I also had a few female friends that used to make me play "make out" with them. We never did anything too sexual but would pretend to make out like in movies. My sister and mother had caught us doing this and my sister told other people at school. I hated doing this but was lonely and would be pressured by my friends. I have just recently realized that this was a form of sexual abuse by my peers. I do not think that the playing "make out" and masturbating were related but I feel the same embarrassment and shame about both.

I am now a grown and still feel extremely ashamed when I think of these years of my life. I feel like the combination of these experiences has caused a life long history of self deprecating thoughts and low self esteem. I fear running into someone that I went to elementary school with that would know these things about me and avoid intimate relationships partly due to my shame at my childhood behavior. I have never told anyone these things and would like to put it behind me.

I guess I am looking to get these things off of my chest and am seeking reassurance that these experiences do not make me dirty and shameful.

[mb123147]

Thank you!

[adr333]

I was sexually abused as a child and I had these very same problems. Their was a time when I felt dirty and worthless. I take anti-depressants now and I used to see a counseler for quite some time. I am not saying that its that answer I am just saying you should talk to somebody. I am here if you need somebody to relate to. Please don't feel ashamed it is not your fault you were only a child if theirs anything I learned through my sexual abuse experiences that it was not my fault then and it isnt my fault now. Please feel free to message me.

[narla]

No these experiences do not make you dirty or shameful,Most people masterbate at sometime in their lives,With my children I made sure if they felt like touching their private parts,they weren't to do it in public it was only something they did when on their own,You were obviously never given this advice.As for playing make out with your peers if you were lonely and it made you feel part of the group that's probably why you did even though you didn't like it,this still should  not make you feel dirty or shameful. Good Luck and don't feel so bad about yourself