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Confused about my sexuality... big time!
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Confused about my sexuality... big time!

Okay, so growing up, I always just.. liked boys.  That's what was normal.  My parents never brought up the, "If you're gay." or "Some people are gay." thing.  It wasn't talked about.  I remember saying to one of my girl friends as a child "Why can't we just get married?  Boys are gross, I don't get why they don't allow us." or something silly.  I was about 5 and we had been best friends for a really long time, so I'm sure I didn't even really understand what I was talking about.

I've dated guys, a few times, because that's just what you do.  I've always gone for the skinnier type, the type that doesn't really grow facial hair (or very little).  And as a younger teenager I always thought "yaoi" was so cute.  (Animes where guys are in a relationship, nothing hardcore, it was just what all my friends were freaking out about, and I thought it was cute, too.)  Honestly, I think it was just the cuteness of two people being together that I liked, cuddling, giving each other a coffee on a cold day, etc, because thinking of it any dirtier, just... eh, I'd rather not.  

And that goes for all guys!  When I think about it, I just am not interested in sex with guys at all! I've only had three relationships, and I've really only ever had it when they pushed for it, and I've always had trouble being... able to without some help, if you know what I mean, and I never enjoyed it.  (Or if I did, it was a little bit, and I have never actually had an orgasm.)   I don't really understand, because I have LIKED guys, and had crushes on them.  But I don't really ever think of them in a way of having intercourse.  And if I do, it's just kind of like, "Eh, whatever."  And when I masturbate, I don't think of guys.  I think of girls.

When I was younger, I used to have a friend who I really liked, and I could totally see being with her, but only if I was a guy.  So I got it in my head that I was transgender, and I had to become a guy in order to be with her.  So I kind of screwed up my chance with her (and I miss her every day), but I'm older now, and I know I'm not transgender, it just scared me to think that I could like girls. (I was very tomboyish growing up, and was called a 'dyke' for a very long time, so I tried to kill that thought in my head that it could EVER be true.)   I could see myself being with a guy, but I think it's more because I've been with them.  And I love hanging out with them!  ...As friends!  I don't mind kissing them, and they always smell good, but I don't really care about doing anything further.  It's not that I'm trying to tease, I literally just don't care.  And I've heard that girls don't care much about having sex with their guys... but usually from married women, not 20 year olds!  I just don't care, and I just kind of always just let them do their thing, and be done.  I didn't care about them doing anything to me, either.  For a while, I thought I didn't care about sex at all, but when I started imagining it with a girl, I got turned on just THINKING about it!  But I've always been with guys, and I always automatically liked a guy, but now I'm so confused...

...has anybody straight ever had this problem?  I"m so confused, I don't know what to think anymore.  Thank you for reading, I hope to hear replies...
2 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
hi, i'm 20, but straight... and why don't you try being with a girl? see if you like it, see how it goes... its probably hard to find one.. maybe try dating sites?
theres nothing wrong with how you're feeling :) explore :)
oh and, when i, hm hm..masturbate i watch porn and look at girls :/ but i am straight, i have a fiance and a baby, but i just like how them women look..

:)
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Avatar_f_tn
I felt the same way and I found out that I am bisexual after exploring with them. I am now married, but I didn't care about sex with boys either but I also have issues with that part. I hope you find what you are looking for!
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