Im a 40 year old woman and my boyfriend is 28. My problem is that i cant have an orgasm and he's always saying things like...maybe you need to go find someone that can get you off... which is not helping our relationship at all. I understand that for him he wants to be able to please me and i used to enjoy making love with him and for me not having an orgasm wasnt a big deal...i could use my toy and through clitoral stimulation i would have an orgasm...but now...even using the toy it takes me forever and i think its because im feeling pressured and im feeling like there is something wrong with me and...he makes me feel even worse....he says im the only woman that he's ever been with thats never had an orgasm! I just know that for me our relationship is based on more than me having an orgasm...i enjoy making love and i feel just as fulfilled even without having an orgasm...but now im feeling like less than a woman because of this and our relationship is suffering because of it. He's very insecure about himself and has trust issues as well...but i love him and im willing to help him whatever way i can...i just dont know what to do about this! Now when we make love instead of it being relaxed and playful im just praying please let me have an orgasm which is making the lovemaking for me not as fulfilling! Can someone please help me?
Yes, I know what you are talking about and I think that you have analysed the reasons in the most accurate way. I mean it is all about the pressure - when you are "praying for orgasms", it just distracts you and it minimizes the chances of enjoying the pleasure, arousal and the chances of reaching orgasm are close to zero if you focus on the pressure to have it... Your boyfriend should be aware of it, too. In this case, his and your efforts or wishes for orgasm go against the chances of having one. This seems like a vicious circle and it is really difficult to solve it as it is all in our head and it is not possible to "ban" thinking about it - the more you try not to think about it, the more you direct your feelings or thoughts toward it again and again. Some mental trick would be useful, but how to make it work...
I have similar problem with my girlfriend and oral sex - I love giving oral sex to her and I love when she has orgasms in this way, but it not always works, so then she feels under pressure and the chances of orgasm are gone. Fortunately, she can reach it during penetrative sex, but I think that our issues with "oral orgasms" are similar to your problem in some sense. The bad news is that I cannot solve it in my case very effectively. The only way seems to be when I do not try to bring her to orgasm and when she feels that now the orgasm is not "necessary", then it sometimes happens, but somewhere deep down we both know that we want it and so it stands in the way of full enjoyment... It is hard to fool ourselves - it is hard to play mental games against our minds - it is the same problem as playing chess against yourself (one player plays two "roles") - and our mind is a similar player - it is hard for our mind to play against itself...
Maybe it would help if you and your boyfriend made a conscious decision that for some time you will just enjoy sex and you will not WANT to have any orgasms. Or you can have some "role-playing" scenarios, when you are not allowed to have an orgasm, he will just stimulate you sexually but he will not want to give you an orgasm. Maybe it could help to relax and gradually orgasms could appear when you do not crave for them.
But as I said, I haven´t been able to solve this issue in my own life yet, so I am probably not the right person to give advice...
I hope it helps a little bit and I wish you the best of luck.
I may be a day late and a dollar short with my comment but i hope it helps whoever may be going thru the same issue. Severin76 hit everything on the head...that was awesome advice took what i was going to say right out.A couple other pointers is that(for me & i may be wrong) if my husband or my dildo aint hitting the "G" spot then an orgasm just not going to happen. Maybe trying DP(double penetration) in a freaky position may intensify your pleasure. THE BEST ROLE PLAY EVER: CUSTOMER LADY IS OUT DINING WITH HER SOON TO BE EX BOYFRIEND. BEFORE SHE LET HIM HAVE IT, THE SEXY CHEF DRAPED WITH AN AaPRON AND BLINDFOLD HER, TOOK HER OUT TO THE BALCONY TOP WHERE THERE HE HAS SOFT MUSIC PLAYING, BOTTLE OF WINE AND A BOWL OF ASSORTED FRUITS. AS HE FEEDS HER A PIECE OF FRUIT SHE MUST GUESS CORRECTLY WHAT KIND OF FRUIT IT IS. IF INCORRECT THEN CONSEQUENCES ARE GIVEN( SPANKED OR ORAL SEX IS GIVEN) AND THE GAME IS PLAYED UNTIL ALL FRUIT IS GONE. USUALLY THERE IS NO PENETRATION THRUOUT THE GAME JUST TEASING AND TALKING DIRTY AND STRIPPING THE BLINDFOLDED PERSON( THATS THE OBJECT OF THIS ROLE PLAY IS TO AROUSE AND ANXIOUSLY AWAIT TO BE SEDUCED) I THINK THOSE TWO MAIN INGREDIENTS IS WHAT IS TAKES TO MAKE ORGASM PIE!!!!! ENJOY OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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