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HOCD CAN'T SLEEP.. HELP
Look.. being on this proved that i'm desperate. Yeh Know? I'm an 18 year old male. College student. All my life i've been into girls, as little as 3 my moms says she remembers me sneaking into the girls changing room to watch them change lol. But my problem starts probably around 7th or 8th grade. I was on the bus sitting next to a friend and just randomly thought "what if i kissed him?" it freaked me out. But I let it go. Then every so often the what ifs would kick in. Rarely. I always noticed girls. Then around 15 i lost my virginity but had the biggest problem getting it up. **** was horrible. Felt Great.. But horrible lol. That made me question my sexuality for like a year. I always could watch porn and only notice the girl. Never the guy. But it still came to me "WHAT IF" and killed me. It went away for a while. Long time. then recently I've been with a girl who i'm CRAZY in love with. A few months back something triggered the fear and it sky rocketed.. then it led to "what if i'm gay and i lose her" "what if i'm gay and i stop loving her", "If i'm gay, i won't love **** and big booty females anymore" and i discovered it was HOCD. Problem was no matter what i do the fear came back. So i researched and researched. It's killing me. And what's scaring me the most now is after reading everything some say maybe i'm gay and don't know it. Or maybe i'm gay and denying it or won't come out to later.. thing is.. i don't see a closet. don't feel like i'm hiding anything. deep down i know i love girls and always have. I hear other forums say "Experiment with a guy" or stuff about gay porn.. if i was gay, even that would be too much even for me.

All i have left to say is, if i am gay or something, i wish i would just come out or something so the thoughts would stop. I Aint the type to care what people think, so being afraid of social stigma or all that don't affect me. But my girlfriend means life to me. Girl i cry for, write music for.  I'm tired of "did i think that guy looks hot or good" or "would you F*** that guy" thoughts in my head. I can't ever see myself falling in love with a man or even wanting to be held by one. I never had a pops around so male approval and wanting acceptance is there, but not feelings. Never had a crush on a guy, or even in football i never felt the urge to stare at guys or in gym class.. those would have been perfect opportunities.

i need advice or help or something. **** always has me feeling like i'm going crazy. I wanna be normal. I don't wanna be on pills or anything, i just don't want this...
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Avatar universal
Hi Sleepless, First your as straight as me, you love your g/f to peices and that is what true love is all about.
Second You would never have gone out with a girl if you was truly gay, not even for a bet.
Look just ejoy yourself, put all your am I thouhts behind you and consentrate on your g/f and the good life you have, and if you have been in the shower and with a friend doing a bit if mutual masturbating, that is not being gay thats just guys having a bit of harmful fun.
Good Luck
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