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HOCD? someone help me :[[
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HOCD? someone help me :[[

hello, i am a 17 year old male and i am soo confused. let me start out with this. my whole life, i wanted girls. plain and simple. never had an attraction towards guys in public or anything or even thoughts. since i was 10 or 11 i watched porn. i loved regular porn, mailny hardcore and asian porn. i also LOVED lesbian porn. i loved everything about a girl. vagina, *** and boobs. omg i LOVED it. ever since i was about 13, i watched gay porn on and off not thinking much of it since i was soo girl crazy. i always loved fantasizing about girls and me having sex with them. i always fantasized about this one girl. omg i fantasized soo much about her that i thought my brain was going to fry. i went out with the girl for 6 days and broke up with her haha, it was in 6th grade. lately, these thoughts about girls do not pleasure me as much anymore after my girlfriend broke up with me after a month and a half-almost 2 months. i started thinking about men a lot more and it scares the living hell out of me and i started questioning myself. like i completely hate myself and i have been for the past month since this girl broke up with me. ive been soo depressed and just fel like a complete waiste of space. when i went out with a girl, it usually lasted like 2 months then it would just die out. i never understood why but i didnt care because i was soo girl crazy. whenever i wasnt attracted towards girls, i wouldnt pay much attention to it because i never questioned myself. now that i am questioning myself, i cant even get a little bit hard at the thought of a girl and it feels like the devil is inside me. yes these homosexual thoughts do arouse me, but it kills me inside. my whole life i never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy, like ever. i always said "why would anyone wanna go out with a guy? im soo lucky to be straight and not gay." now that my mind is starting to mess with me, it tells me that i will be happier in a relationship with a guy and thats all i ever wanted. i could probably do that and be happy BUT BUT BUT I DO NOT WANT TO. i feel like it is a disorder controlling my mind and i WILL NOT give into it. whenever i have these thoughts, i cant even look at a girl and be attracted. i wont even talk to a girl unless im gonna be friends with her. i was NEVER like this WHATSOEVER. so about 2 or 3 weeks ago, i lost my virginity to a girl i liked for a while a year ago. the sex was alright. i obviously got very aroused even when we hooked up. after the sex i drove her home because i didnt even wanna be near her. a couple days ago, i had sex with another girl. the sex was a little bit better. i still felt weird after. when i was younger, all i could think of was SEX SEX SEX with girls and how awesome it would be. i used to masturbate and make up scenes of me and certain girls having sex. thats how into it i was. it almost feels like i have a fetish for penises lately. idk i cant even explain my train of thought anymore, i feel soo bipolar. ive been taking st.johns wort or however you spell it and it doesnt do much. last night, i was in a really good mood for some reason and i was talking to this hot girl. i couldnt keep the smile off my face, it was ear to ear. i got aroused when she said "your cute enough to kiss ;]" omg i was aroused sooo bad it was crazy. the next day (which is today) i feel like complete crap again. these thoughts wont leave my mind and its killing me. like i kind of want to have sex with a guy to see what its like but i would hope after it, i would realize that it isnt for me and i would love being with girls again. in my opinion, this feels like a phase or even OCD. the thoughts wont leave my mind and it is driving me completely insane. deep down, i dont want to be gay. thats the real me saying this is wrong, its not you. like how cant i not like a girl and be attracted towards guys? i cant see myself going up to a dude in my school and having sex with him, it wouldnt feel right to me at all. but when i watch porn i get aroused soo easily and it kills me. completely kills me. im hoping this is something like a fetish or a phase that will pass me by because i always wanted to be in a long relationship with a girl for years, get married and have kids and live a normal life like i want. i dont want to grow old with a man. i just want to live the life i used to have loving girls. i really hope this is something that passes in time, i will feel soo comforted if someone has the same story as i do and made it though straight. also, i cant get these thoughts off my mind. if i feel like im sitting in a "gay" way in class, ill change the way im sitting. i get nervous around homosexuals. i get nervous when guys look at me more than once. i cant even hear the word gay without feeling anxious. my mind tells me if i let my guard down and acceot myself, ill be happy. but i dont want to be happy being like this. i know that i wont enjoy it because deep down i think its wrong. its not what my parents pumped into my brain, its what i feel. my mind keeps telling me im gay and it wont stop. it really feels like OCD because it wont leave me alone. like i said, if i was completely attracted to girls ,i would be the happiest guy in the world. someone please help me :[[
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Avatar_m_tn
and im hoping this is the reason why i am not attracted towards girls right now. when im really happy, i want to bang every girl. when i think about this, i dont want to even look at a girl.
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1174003_tn?1308164419
Well first let me say right now you need to relax and take a few deep breathes.  Lets look into a few things.

Social norms are for a guy to like and want girls.  This is our culture and while it is slowly changing it is our current culture.  Some people accept the homosexuals and some do not.  For various reasons and mainly its relgious reasons.  Your/Our generation of people will see the changing in that norm.  

Next this is normal.  What you are going through is questioning your sexuality.  One of the things I think you are trying to understand is who you are and one of the things I saw in your post was the common response of "I love girls" as if you are trying to tell yourself you love girls.  However, your relationships don't last long.  Could this be the childish attitude of some of your girlfriends?  Sure it could be.  Thus let me say that you have to evaluate that setting with those people.  It is common for high schoolers and even college students to struggle with relationships.  One thing is we ourselves aren't sure at such a young age what love is really suppose to be.  While each person defines love in their own way and society can dictate what love is or isn't each person sees different things.  For example I love my girlfriend.  I would take a bullet for her.  She will be leaving soon and she needs a dependable car for 3 months while she is in a different city.  She will be taking my car for those 3 months.  This is my only car and method of transportation.  When she is sick I take care of her.  When I was in the hospitial and had my galbladder removed she was there everyday.  It was difficult for her to be there because she is attempting to complete her masters degree and the work is tough but she put me before her schoolwork.  

I think one of your challenges is the sexuality.  When looking at porn you will get turned on by the thoughts of what is going on and different things.  Gay porn or Lesbian porn can turn some people on and some people off.  My ex-wife was bisexual.  She liked both guys and girls.  Was she wrong?  No it is her sexual preference.  Can she be defined by that as a person who is wrong?  Depends on the standards used.  You are using sex right now to determine what your sexuality are getting fustrated because you aren't feeling something.  I feel you aren't feeling it is because of the person you are having sex with.  Sex is not in my opinion to be used for just pleasure.  I feel you have to have a loving relationship with someone to make sex be what it needs to be and that is special.  Can I have sex with anyone?  No. I can't.  Why?  Because I personally want to have sex with someone whom I know it will mean something.  Sure I can pick up some girl and have sex with her but where is the meaning in it?  

Can you be gay?  Well that all depends on your view on men.  You are afarid I think if you are in fact gay of what society will say.  Which is that being gay is wrong.and thus you can't be gay because you are only supposed to be with a girl.  Is this true?  Again who knows it depends on the person.  I can't and won't say that you are or are not gay. That is something YOU have to address and YOU have to feel out on your own.  No one here can tell you that.  

What to do?  My advice is that you stop trying to have sex with someone just to see if you like it with them.  Build up a relationship FIRST with a person.  Then find out your own thoughts towards the subject of having sex with her.  
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Avatar_m_tn
thank you soo much, and i would like to add something. the past couple days ive been in a really good mood. in school, i would talk to girls and squeez their butts and stuff (girls i know) and LOVE it and i was sooo happy omg like it was insane. when i look at my guy friends and stuff in school, i dont think anything of them sexually whatsoever. i cant see me and one of my friends getting it on in real life, to me it feels nasty. but when i watch gay porn, it arouses me and thoughts arouse me. i cant see me being sexual with a dude in real life, like when im around my friends. i never looked at a guy like that at all. i dont think its the fact that society hates gays, its just i can see myself better with a girl. when i went out with a girl in my freshman year, i honestly believe i loved her. we had such a connection and it was amazing. i would WANT to go out of my way to see her in the hallway. i would do anything for her when i was going out with her. i got sick of her in like 3 months and i didnt want anything with her relationship wise. about 5 months later i couldnt stop talking to her again and we hung out and made out and stuff. we almost had sex that day. hooking up with her felt like being in heaven. it just felt soo right. this year we had sex and it wasnt right. idk why. but it was during this whole depressing state so i dont know what to think. when i stop thinking about this stuff, i am sooo happy. if i was this happy all the time, id be able to have the connection with a girl and i know it. thats why thi is uppsetting me soo much. do you think it could be a fetish or a phase? because im only 17 and ive never felt this weird in my life. ive never questioned my sexuality in my life before. its insane.when these thoughts are in my head, i cant even be attracted towards girls. this is really killing me. im talking to this girl and its up and down because im in a good mood sometimes and VERY talkative, and other times i dont even feel like answering back. questoning my sexuality is really killing me, not only is it giving me panic attacks, but i question my WHOLE LIFE. every bad experience ive had makes me think im gay. every little thing. the way i act around my friends, the way i look at dudes, and all of that stuff. i get nervous when im around guys that are potentially gay and i walk away. we all think this one kid that we are friends with is gay and today he wouldnt get away from me, like i had to walk away cause i felt SO weird. and just little things i would look past like stuff on tv, they make me more nervous. i heard the word "gay" on tv and i felt like complete crap. it was horrible. so idk, i hope this passes over time. do you have anything to say about this? if you do please let me know :/
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