DH and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary next month. Earlier this week, we checked into one of the new 5 star properties on the strip in Las Vegas. We're self-employed and had been working non-stop for the past month; this was a long-needed and awaited getaway. We were looking forward to several days of R&R and sex!
Waking for the first time without a wake up call in long time, we enjoyed leisurely love making. While DH got up to take a shower, I booked us both appointments for that afternoon in the spa. I needed a manicure and a facial and figured a massage would help him further relax and unwind. We went to the spa together, met after changing into robes in the coed treatment room and were chatting quietly when his masseuse, "Jose" came to get him. He introduced me, we kissed goodbye and he left. My own technician wasn't far behind.
Later when I returned to our suite, DH was waiting for me - a bit agitated. He asked me WHAT I had ordered for him. I told him that I had asked for a Classical Massage and asked the obvious, what had he gotten? The answer astounded me. My head is spinning.
Apparently, "Jose" went far beyond any boundaries that I normally associate with a mainstream massage. While he was still on his belly, his hips were massaged, the towel slipping upward until he was completely exposed and his legs spread. J poured oil up the inner part of his thighs, then onto his buttocks. DH has had his buttocks massaged before and didn't think anything of it, until J's hands wandered over his anus. DH realized that this was going in a direction that he hadn't counted on, but did nothing to stop it. Apparently, he was enjoying this. When he was flipped over, his eyes were covered with a towel. His genitals were exposed and hot oil was poured all over them. By then, DH confesseses - he had a full on erection and didn't know what to say or do.
HE THOUGHT I HAD ORDERED THIS!
Apparently, J caressed scrotum, inner thighs, back of the penis using the back of his hand and then guided DH's hands to hold his own penis. DH kept letting his hands fall to his side, not masturbating, but not doing anything to stop J from continuing, either. After the third time of J pulling DH's hands to himself, DH asked "Are you not allowed to touch me?" J answered that he was only allowed to create the sensual experience, not complete the sexual one. He then informed DH that the 50 minutes was up, encouraged him to lie on the table as long as he liked, to take his time and remember to drink water when he got up.
DH got up as soon as J left the room and was standing, buck naked, sipping water when J ducked his head back into the room and said, "Oh - you're up!" He then came back into the room. DH made a move for his robe - J grabbed it first and held it for him to put on. After draping him from behind, he turned DH around, standing less than a foot away. Both glanced down at DH's obviously still rigid erection. J closed the robe around DH while telling him - "Come back. Next time ask for the 80 minute. It's much better. And please don't tell mention what happened here. What happens here stays in this room". (NOT)
OK - SO.
I've known for a long time that DH has had fantasies about 'happy endings' given by male masseuses. He gets massages 2-3 times a year, usually when we're traveling and almost always gets erections from them, whether the therapist is male or female - which he shares with me. We've made love many a time while I've talked him through the fantasy massage.
One of the things he wanted me to know is that the reality was NOTHING like the fantasy. For one thing, the fantasy is usually completed. Aside from that, though, he's feeling betrayed, extorted, taken advantage of, almost molested. Clearly he had to be giving signals that he wanted this type of massage, but is confused as to what those signals could have been. He was with his wife, who had actually made the appointment for him, when he met with the masseuse for the first time. He was on his stomach (no genitalia visible), making no noise, when the erotic part of the massage began.
I'm very confused and feeling betrayed myself. I called and asked for a massage. We had just made love, so I didn't think an erection would be possible - thinking he'd come back fully rested and relaxed.
While we were making love again, he confessed to me that he was so upset that J wouldn't finish him - that he really, really wanted to feel his hands on his penis.
Later, during dinner, through tears, DH told me that the one and only thing he needed to know was that we (he and I) would survive this. That our relationship means more to him than anything else. I believe him.
Part of me feels complete betrayal.
Part of me feels wholly responsible.
And then there's the guilt of feeling turned on by the whole thing.
I don't know what to think. Or do.
Go home and forget the whole thing (not likely)
Book another trip to Vegas and book him an 80 minute with Jose? (ha!)
Has anyone else dealt with anything even remotely like this?
Responsibility? Not yours in any way... you didn't order this type of massage did you? No. You weren't the one on the table letting this happen, were you? No. You didn't wink at your husband, give him a "good game" pat on the butt, and tell him to enjoy his massage with Jose, did you? No.
Guilt? Don't feel guilty about sexual pleasure! Forget about it and enjoy learning about this aspect of sexuality that's new and exciting to you! You're not doing anything wrong by feeling turned on by the thought of two men together, even if one of those men happens to be your husband.
Betrayal? The real deal... discuss this with your husband. Why do you feel betrayed? When you think "betrayal", what exact images and thoughts are coming to mind? Do you feel betrayed because your husband was with someone else in a sexual manner? Do you feel this way because he didn't consider that you may not approve?
One thing I want to point out is the inconsistency of two things you said. I don't mean you're lying or anything, please don't think that's what I'm saying. The points that stick out are when you say your husband is confused as to what signals he may have given to this man, yet when he realized the massage was turning into a sexual experience did nothing to stop it. A simple "please don't do that" would suffice as a signal that he didn't want it. When someone is touching someone else, letting touching continue tends to signal consent (aside from abuse/molestation of course). His erection actually doesn't have much to do with it at all... massage is sensual, and it's perfectly natural for a person to feel turned on when someone is caressing their body. Also, consider the day and age we live in... the fact that you were there when your husband and Jose first met means nothing at all. Jose doesn't know you or the parameters of your relationship. Maybe he even thought you knew your husband had these sort of feelings and encouraged it!
I think it would beneficial for the two of you to talk about this more, and also to discuss what is and is not acceptable to you in terms of his sexual activities outside of your relationship. If you like the idea of him being with another man, the two of you may want to explore this... should you decide to, start out with simple situations and lay out the ground rules. IMO, #1, above all else, is that there will be mutual agreement on activities BEFORE he does anything - 100% honesty and discussion of feelings and possible outcomes. It doesn't matter how difficult or embarrassing they may be to talk about, the two of you need to understand each others position and respect them before any action is taken. "We talk about it afterwards" isn't good enough. It only allows you to react to a situation you've been blindsided with, instead of considering the options and going into it with your eyes open. He gets all the fun and you get to deal with the fallout, to yourself and to your marriage. That's not fair at all.
If you don't want to explore this with anyone else, I recommend Butterfly's suggestion of giving these massages to your husband yourself. Explore this aspect of his sexuality with him, and make it clear that only YOU and HE are to enjoy this together, no exceptions.
Thank you so much for your response. I very much appreciate your frank observations.
Um, actually, I did tell pretty much slap him on the butt and tell him to enjoy his massage with Jose. I didn't for a minute think that my 'joke' would become a reality. (nor did Jose hear me - I said it before Jose came into the room). I knew DH would enjoy it, and under normal circumstances (not having just had sex) would come back to me with an erection.
I think my feelings of betrayal really surround a power issue I'm dealing with. In all honesty - had I known that erotic massage would have been on the menu, I might have asked for it. But I didn't. It's a matter of feeling like I had some say in my husband's sexual experience. Jose took that choice away from me - and from DH who thought I had asked for it.
He didn't feel betrayed until he learned that I hadn't asked for it. (Sound odd?) At that point he started to wonder what he did to give the signal to 'Jose' that it was something he wanted. His erection wasn't evident until he was flipped over, but the oil was poured on his buttocks and his anus was caressed long before that happened. Does Jose do this with everyone? Or just men he feels are open to it?
Until this experience, we'd talked about the fantasy of another man pleasuring him at my behest. We'd looked at erotic massage websites and playfully talked about ordering up an in-room massage. It might have been something we would have been willing to explore. It just wasn't something I was expecting for this particular experience. DH thought I had made good on our playful talk.
After 3 days, DH NOW says that he's very grateful that things came to a halt when they did. (This is the rational, not in-the-throes-of-passion DH talking. When we're having sex, he says otherwise. I think I know which head is talking when...) He says that had he been taken to the point of orgasm, his emotions would have been even harder to deal with than they already are. This was the first really, truly intimate experience he's had with another person since we were married, (Yes, I do believe that. Partly because we're self employed and with each other 24/7/365!) and he says that the reality was nothing at all like the fantasy.
I should say we've been talking about little else since this happened four days ago - it's decidedly something we're dealing with - and today - can even joke about.
I think if we both had been part of the planning process, if I had asked for this experience with DH's knowledge and consent going in - I would have enjoyed this a lot more than what did happen. Unfortunately, being blindsided left me feeling betrayed and left out.
Thank you, thank you again for your response.
This is not something I could have ever discussed with anyone aside from DH and when you're both spinning it's hard to find a way out of talking the same circles.
Just being able to sort through this with another person with complete objectivity has been very helpful.
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