Husband hiding bondage fetish for 4 years

[smokin10]

I have been married 10 years.  We have had our ups and downs (normal marriage issues), but never lies or infidelity.  I was on my home computer and some how got to the google accounts page and saw web history.  I never knew google tracked all your searches from whatever computer you are using....work, home, etc.  I decided to have a look and found some pretty graphic material.
Sexual Sadism (bondage) that was all I found.  I kept searching, hoping to find good old plain pornography and nothing.  In every video he downloaded , search or site he visited it was always of women(s) being tied up and the man in control.  These women were tied up EVERYWHERE and usually gagged.  Some of the videos were extreme and did not look like the girl was really enjoying it, but in pain.
Our sex life has always been good, but he has never shared this fetish or desire with me.  I am hurt and in shock.  I feel like he probably hasn't been sexually fullfilled for the last 4 years while he has been looking at this stuff.  I wish it was just pornograpy, but I this is different.  He did it at home when he was "working late" and on his business trips.  He told me he would watch this stuff maybe once a month, when he first started,  but over the last year it has grown to a weekly event.  He is trying everything to make me feel better, but I am shocked that I did not know this detail about my husband.  I am not putting sexual sadism down, I have the attitude of whatever floats your boat then all power to you.  My issue is that he could not share it with me.  I would have probably been open to certain things.  
Oh well, my issue now is since this finding, he has lost an erection MANY times during sex.  This has never happened in our 12 year marriage until now.  I even went out and bought some handcuff paraphernalia.......sad I know!  We tried it out and he could not get hard.  He told me he feels bad about his lies and just didn't feel right about it.  I agreed and put it away and every few times he again has a hard time without the gadgets.   He told me he started looking at this stuff because he felt ovewhelmed and it was a release.    Insight on this would be much appreciated.  

[snackinha]

My husband hid his BDSM until the night he killed himself in front of me. I found the leather hand cuffs by the bedsde the follwing day. All of the other porn, toys, have been humiliating to find. So has the belief that his original plan was to murder me as well ( i snuck out of the house before he could blow it up) tPeople who are into this can be very very violent and are capable of killing. Do not get mixed up with someone who is into this if they hide it from you.

[specialmom]

Wow.  Well, I'm sorry about your husband killing himself and right in front of you.  That's devastating.  That is due to depression more than anything else.  Many are into kinky things and it doesn't cause that kind of outcome.  I'm sorry you found out he was into some sexual activity you didn't know about.  That had to sting.  Killing oneself is different than violence and killing others.  Bondage, although I don't know as I'm mainstream all the way, may have a pain element but it's not usually such that people really get hurt in a serious way.  I think your advice to not get mixed up with someone who is into this and hides it from you is good though as frankly, we should trust our partner enough to not have a double life.  I hope your husband wasn't going to murder you but he didn't murder himself, remember that.  He died by suicide.  That's a desperate act because of a mental health problem.  I would consider maybe talking to a therapist about all of this.  It would be great to work through it.  I'm sure it has to be something very difficult to recover from.  hugs

[Rasaec]

I think the most devastating issue is the trust factor, why did they keep their fantasy from you? However, please also understand that much of this has to do with some of the responses that can also be seen in this chat string. They are embarrassed and uncomfortable with their fetish and know they could be judged harshly. While the trust issue is completely valid, also realize the shame issue is just as valid. There is pressure not to be honest, just as there is an obligation to be honest and open with your partner.

They don't want to hurt women! Really, they don't want to hurt them anymore than you want to murder people because you watch crime dramas, or want to go to strip clubs because you watched Magic Mike. It is a fantasy. They want to simulate these experiences, they do not want to actually harm anyone. Furthermore, there are many men who have vanilla sexuality, yet are very violent towards women in reality, Just as there are men who have violent fantasies, but would not hurt a fly. People are complex, so please keep that in mind before one judges them. Behavior is what matters.

Lastly, they have to respect your boundaries, and you should try to respect their sexuality. If you wish to be a part of this fantasy, and I think for most of these men they would really really really like that (safe - sane - consensual), don't make them feel ashamed. As the original post expressed, shame will put more distance between you and make their ability to be attracted to you much more difficult. If you wish to save the relationship you need to talk about things in a manner that is not judgmental. Try to understand how the other person feels. You can still have a healthy relationship, but don't sweep things under the rug or ignore each other's concerns.

[DinoRino]

Hi there,
Seems like I'm the only guy around who speaks for the bondage/S&M secretive husbands :-)
Me and my wife went through all this.
Please see my comment to KMB914.

[DinoRino]

Come on, it is not as bad as you make it.
Tying up and gagging your partner is a very sexy act and can really improve the sexual aspect of a relationship.
Please notice that "tying up and gagging" does not necessarily mean "hurting".
I mean, most people who like bondage - just like to "play" freely with their partner without hurting them,
or maybe hurt them just a little (consider it as teasing).
It certainly doesn't contradict love (you wrote: "Nothing about that stuff is love!!"), on the contrary!!  
If you let your partner tie you up and gag you - then HE IS RESPONSIBLE for your safety and pleasure,
you're in his hands! and if he loves you  then he makes sure that you're safe and enjoying the act.

The last thing you want to do it to criticize or try to "fix" your husband... It'll just maintain the distance/gap between you two.
The fact that you're not attracted (at least now.. :-) to bondage/BDSM does not mean that it's wrong or evil. it's not.

My advice to you is this:
Do a search of your own. look for bondage acts that seem sensual and mysterious, stuff in which the person in charge seem lovable and protecting, and where the bounded person enjoys their situation.
fantasize about it and find your place in the world that attracts your husband. then do some shopping (cuffs, gag, blindfold etc..) , hide everything in a drawer and make your husband find it "by accident".
Don't talk to him directly about it (yet..), instead, let him digest it and connect you (in his mind) with bondage,
it might take him some time  but after he does that -  you're in for a new and exciting sexual period with him.
Just tell him before the first act what are your borders and "red lines" and let him do his thing.
I promise you that the amount of attention and imagination that he'll invest in this will surprise you.

Trust me on this, my wife and I were in the exact same situation

Good luck

[Nikki_cute]

I have the same situation. My husband is 45 and I am 27. I recently discovered that he watches extreme bondage and young girl sex slaves party presentation where a whole group misuses this girl in extreme ways. I confronted him with it. He felt so ashamed and could not have sex with me anymore. I was in a serious crises. I watched some of these movies and discovered that the girl really was ok in the interview after the extreme bondage and even seemed happy. I also found that I actually found this somewhat interesting. I next invited Harry to watch these with me together. This helped ease some shame. I told him that I am ok with him liking this and asked him if I may pleasure him orally while he watches this started to work.
Next was that I asked him to be courageous enough to tell me which things he would like to do with me. He opened up and become better and our sex life started to work. Not as it used to be but he got hard again. I next asked him to do the things he told me with me. I actually bought the hand cuffs, the gag the blind fold and the whip...this totally did it. I must say I discovered that I like this. We now added a new dimension to our sex life which got completely sparked. I too showed him some things I like that I never told him...

[Bustytina]

You could not be more wrong in everything you said. You need to open your mind and realize that just because you are not into it does not mean that others are not! Who are you to define what sex is suppose to be? Many women enjoy being tied up and used. Some harder then others. If BDSM is not your thing and it is your husbands then for the sake of your marriage let him privately enjoy it. What is it going to hurt you as long as you do not participate? There are more and more couples getting into BDSM soft or hardcore. I think in today's world where everyone has to be so politically correct there is a need to bring back (at least in the bedroom) a place where a man or woman can be like the animal kingdom where one is Dominant and the other submissive.

[z199999]

just happened to me, looking for something else my husband took his laptop away from me and started erasing things, he said he did not want me to watch that stuff and confessed it was pretty hard bdsm stuff, he confessed there was rape porn, I am devastated, he says that it is just a fantasy and that he would never hurt anybody but I fill like I don't know him anymore... please your comments, should I leave him? I really love him but I cannot understand that behavior, I am afraid it could escalate and he may want to hurt somebody one day... but he has never hurted anyone... he is a good man to me... i am devastated

[folkroot]

I agree..I am female and into extreme bondage BUT only online and as an online viewing participant. This is my private thing ; a fantasy ONLY that satisfies something inside of me....and I don't like to share it with my significant other at all. It is not his thing and when he tries to get into it, its just so phony and corny it turns me off. I just enjoy our everyday sex life, and it suits me just wonderfully. However, when the mood strikes, esp when I am alone or my hubby is away..I go online and privately enjoy. Your husband sounds similar to me-  so don't read "we are missing something" into it. It is his private thing, and nothing to do with the love and desire he has for you.

[KMB914]

I have discovered my husband of 11 yrs. is obsessed with bondage/S&M and I am NOT ok with it!!! This stuff is not sex!?!? Gagging and hurting women!!?!? WHO IS THIS MAN?? I am devastated!! I just found his "stash" of thousands upon thousands of videos & images he has saved over the course of entire marriage! This disturbs me.. Nothing about that stuff is love!! And call me old fashion but to me, sex is an expression of love not a sadistic ritual of shame and pain thrust upon women..I just don't get it.. I am struggling really back here!! I just need to wrap my head around how that if that is what turns my husband on sexually.. how could I ever have then!?!?!?! Has the last 11 yrs. been a lie to cover up this side of him???

[kikka563]

Hi, I have the same problem - the only difference is that my husband does actually act on it and he wants the woman to hurt him.  I found out that he has been doing it for about seven years behind my back.  We once spoke about this after we got marraid, he wanted me once to do it, and I did but it was not a game to me.  I was thinking of the damage it can do etc.  We have sex sometimes, I am the one that loves sex and would want to have it everyday ...being more adventurous and he is not.  So would someone explain to me how to deal with this.  I recently found out that he actually went to different woman and even tried to ask one of our close friends to do it to him.  I am not even sure if it stops there...one of the woman came out and said to me that he would touch her breasts and ask her to give him a ******* after getting the erection from the kicking between his legs.  He also ask for foto's of their private parts and sends them video clips and pictures of himself.  So please give comment on this.....

[nutkins]

Hi, same type of thing with my husband, very into bondage but held it back from me because he thought I would find him stange. Once he new I was fine with it to an extent, then he started to relax. Try not to worry to much all men have their funny ways, just some more than others.

[Ashelen]

I agree with the other two posters....Look at it this way, he's expressing his fetish in a way that's safe for you. While it may seem like he's being secretive, when it comes to a fetish like bondage or sadism, he's actually protecting your intimacy in a way (whether that's his intention, or incidental is up for debate). He probably feels very dominate and in control when he's watching that porn, and when it came into your bedroom he was unable to keep up the facade of violent dominance because he cares about you and does not want to hurt you...and because the setting was not right (i.e. he could not be dominating) he was not aroused.

This may get me yelled at, but I've got to say it....in today's society, we tend to encourage men to be gentler than their nature needs. I'm not saying it's your fault, quite the opposite in fact, you are being very supportive. Men can be gentle, but they also have a harder side that if it's completely denied can be frustrating and cause serious emotional imbalances (I believe). You're doing the right thing by acknowledging his desire to feel dominant and strong, but just let him choose his own path. If he simply cannot do it out of awkwardness, that's his decision, but you are absolutely right to offer him the option. I understand why you feel hurt by his hiding it, but it's understandable why he hid it...I think we all have private fantasies that we like to keep to ourselves because of the possibility of ridicule (of course you obviously didn't ridicule, but he probably had the words "You look at WHAT?! You freak!" running through his head).

[severin76]

One possibility is that he really wanted to keep it as his private fetish (for many possible reasons, but it does not mean that he disrespects you in any way). Now, as you found out, he can really feel ashamed or embarrassed and it is just natural that if something sexually-related happened to him (now it was your discovery of his secret activities and  following discussions and his feelings of embarrassment), then it was so soon reflected in his problems with erections.
If I were you, I would try not to overanalyze it with him, if he feels uncomfortable with it. Try not to speak about it, try to let him know that everything is ok and everything can be ok between you and him and that your sex life can go on in the way how it used to work before this discovery. You know him better than me, so maybe you can think of some other ways how to help him feel more relaxed in this or how to let him see (without unnecessary analyzing) that sex with you can go on in the old good tracks again.
I understand your feelings and fears / disappointment/shock etc...I don´t want to sound as if I underestimated it, I just tried to think of some possible way how to stop these problems from ruining his sex life with you (erection problems probably caused by sex-related stress etc...).
If possible, try to persuade yourself that real life sex is one thing and fantasy sex is another thing (his bondage pictures belong here, not to the first category of real sex), and these two things are not always combined together (the same case is rape fantasies which many women have, but would not prefer it in reality).
Easier said than done, I know, and I really do not know how I would react if I discovered something similar with my partner.
Best of luck in everything,
severin76

[aid821]

A couple i thought of while reading your post.

1) You were shocked when you discovered what he was into, but in reality, your ok with it. "I would have probably been open to certain things". Does he know this??

2) He probably never had an issue being intimate with you, and maybe wanted to keep the bondage fetish to himself for his own pleasure. I think the loss of erections is probably due to him not wanting to participate in what he knows as his private fetish. He may have felt ashamed with you finding out?