First of all, let me state that I am a 39 year old male in a committed relationship. This is the fact that makes me feel even guiltier about my thoughts but I feel I would solicit some advice on how to handle the problem before it becomes a major one.
Let me try to give you a short, brief history. At a young age, I married my high-school sweetheart, (the only woman I ever had sex with or even dated) had kids, lived the life for 11 years of marriage before issues caused a divorce. Then, I was very, very fortunate to date A LOT and have sex A LOT more than I even imagined. Sometimes I was fairly reckless to put it mildly. I thought it would chalk it all up to experience. Years after the divorce, I even became engaged again but it was a psychological roller coaster (her cheating and getting knocked up) that after we split, it was time to work on me. I didn't date. I didn't have sex. All this for close to a year. Then, I decided to go on Eharmony because I wanted a real relationship. No bar scenes. No meeting girls on Craigslist. I wanted to look forward to a real future.
My girlfriend is perfect in nearly every way except one - in the bedroom. Now, granted she's become great at oral sex but she likes it missionary style - and quiet - all the time. I have to restrain myself because I'm like -- ummmm, the opposite! I like it loud, pulling hair, spanking, different positions, anal (depending on the situation), lots of foreplay, and to have an "experience". So, no need to go on and on. I think you get the picture. My issue is that we are in a long-distance relationship (an hour and a half from each other). I find myself masturbating at times to online porn (which I can control by the way - maybe once or twice a month - no big deal) but the problem is that I find myself fantasizing about "old behavior". I'm not going to type out all my fantasies here because it's not the place but I met a girl on Craigslist one time that it was pretty much sex right off the bat. (She was a cute BBW!) After a couple of times, we got to where it was texting, "Can I come over?" then she would literally let me do ANYTHING to her - (just read between the lines folks). BUT IT"S WRONG and I feel very sad and very conflicted about that. If I talked to my girlfriend, even saying, "Hey, let's try THIS" - it would freak her out because she is very sweet and very reserved even though I LOVE her figure. She has normal-size boobs, a slim figure, and a nice BIG rear end - practically the body I always wanted in a woman. However, I literally fantasize all the time about her dressing up in a nurse's outfit and having anal sex with her .... she's actually that attractive that I've masturbated in the shower thinking about her - so how do I make those dirty fantasies in the shower come true before I do something stupid like answer a Craigslist ad?
Thank you for reading and for any input you may have.