My husband and I have been together for almost a year now. We have been married for almost 7 months now and right before we tied the knot and moved in together, sex slowed down majorly. Mind you, I'm 18 and he is only 20.
I'm getting very tired of begging and I always feel like there is something wrong with me . I know that men can lose sexual drive when under stress, but JESUS, it doesn't seem to matter whether we have a good day or not. There has been countless times where I try to be coy about asking/hinting/attempting and it never seems to work. We used to have sex atleast once a day, sometimes even twice. Now, we get into huge arguements and I cry. I feel like such a child when I get so upset, but it's the one thing that him and I share and it isn't JUST sex! Without sounding naive I know that he isn't cheating on me. I don't know what to do, should I just wait it out? Should I just wait for him to come on to me, because when I do...it never seems like he wants to, more like he just wants to shut me up! Gosh, I'm so sick of this...please help.
I wish I could help but I don't know what is wrong with men when they lose interest in sex. The husband could be cheating, he could have lost interest in the person he is with, he could have become un attracted to her.
I am in the opposit position. I seem to want sex much more than my wife. for me it is all about the intimacy. when we have more intimacy and are closer then things seem to be better. try and improve you level of intimacy and emotional connection with your husband and that might help.
Like I said before this has been going on for 8 months. I have such low self esteem now due to this and a lot more, but mainly our relationship. I know a relationship is based on a lot more than just sex, but I'm lucky if we do "it" once a week. I know things are really stressful right now, but there is no need for this. We have a lot of bills and are behind on some which I understand is stressful for him, but he never wants to do anything.
Before I met him, I was not a home body at all. I just slept at my house...sometimes and showered there. Other than that, I was on the go, going to parties, hanging out...anything to get out of the house. Then, we met and he wasn't all to much of a party go-er, so I cut back. So, we stayed in a lot. Plus, it was nice just relaxing and spending time with someone who I really cared about and him feeling the same about me.
Then, marriage came in, and that's when the distance grew. We rushed into our marriage due to my losing my apartment. I was kicked out of my father's house at 17 and my mother had an apartment that she wasn't staying at (she was on section 8), so with me only being 17 and not having very much credit, she allowed me to stay and I only had to pay 300 a month for everything, minus food, ect...
Anyways, my mother and I got into an arguement and she then decided that I was "evicted". Well, my husband (boyfriend at the time) came up with the idea that he wanted to help me out and didn't want to see me out on the streets, so he suggested that we should get married. He is in the service, so once you are married you recieve BAH (for housing) and him and I could get a place. So, I accepted and then we were engaged. My mother got pissed about that and then decided that I only had 2 weeks until I had to have all of my stuff packed and out (she also told me that her trying to commit suicide my fault as well, but that's another long story). Well, for a month I stayed with a cousin of mine and my husband (still bf at that time) visited me every night, but arguements occured a lot over the marriage. I started to feel like he didn't want to get married anymore and also told me that he was warned before he came to this command that women in Maryland are money grubbing wh*res and they will take you for everything. That really ticked me off because...this wasn't my idead to get married in the first place, but I really wanted to...and not just for a place to live or to be taken care of.
So, we finally got married and we moved in with a (navy) buddy of his who was also an alcoholic and his gf. visited all the time. Our room mate and his gf fought a lot which I felt gave the atmosphere a bad vibe and started to take it's toll on us. I wanted the room mate out, but my husband needed help with the bills.
Finally, we kicked out room mate out. Over this process of him living with us, my husband and I started to drift apart. Now that our room mate has moved out, things have improved, but not by much.
It isn't just sex! My husband doesn't want to do anything it seems. I am stuck in the house all day, I can't even get a job. My car is broken down, we don't have enough money for a new car or even used and we aren't near any bus routes. He leaves for work at 6:30 in the morning and comes home by 3 or 4 in the afternoon. So, he wants to relax, and I'm bouncng off the walls.
I truly do not ask for much (keeping in mind we don't have much money), I like to take walks (we live on the water), he won't do that. When we do have extra cash, I'd like to see a movie...I have to beg for him to go anywhere. A friend of ours will invite us over there house, he doesn't want to go. Never does he try to keep me in the house, but I'd like for him to come with me!
I feel like there is something wrong with me, but he tells me there isn't. We can't talk because "It's too serious, just relax and stop worrying." Tonight, he was teaching me how to play poker, and I hinted at sex...he tells me "If you win this round, I will sex you up."...I won, but by him saying that...I said nevermind.
So now we wager sex or poker? WTF?!
We can be lying in bed and be talking (he's awake), then...once I mention sex, he gets his sleepy voice kicking and starts to mumble like he isn't awake anymore.
I know this seems stupid, but it is starting a lot arguements and for some reason I'm always in the wrong. I hate this feeling! I even ask him if he wants to be with someone else, or if he is no longer attracted to me. Even if he is cheating. He tells me that I am crazy and that I should have more confidence in myself, he isn't cheating (which like I said before I don't have very much of a reason to believe he is), and there are times he just doesn't feel like it.
I don't know anymore, I give up. I have tried just about everything. I'm just going to be as distant as him. This may sound unhealthy, but screw it. I'm not getting what I feel I need or want, so lets see how he does without. I'm so sick of pulling my self apart and wondering what is so wrong with me. I'm not ugly, but I feel it all the time. I'm not the same person I used to be, even when I'm dolled up I feel like ****.
I'm so sick of feeling this way, because until I got with him, I never questioned myself. I love him so much, but apparently I'm not want he wants right now and he says I'm always over reacting, maybe I am, but I'm sick of this.
Maybe when I'm not home hardly anymore or spending time with him and not even mentioning sex or trying to be emotionally available for him any longer he will get the picture. This is probably the road for a failed marriage, but I am sick of it and I can't take it anymore.
Couple of quick suggestions: Do you wear lingure? If not wear some. How about giving him oral without saying anything or starting to do it while he is sleeping? Do you have any sexual toys? I know a lot of guys love seeing a woman masterbate.
I agree w a few of the post. Try with out saying a word, giving him oral. If that works then you can slide on up and get what you need. Also stop and think about if he likes to be dominate in bed and maybe you over ride him, killing his "manlyness". Or maybe visa versa. Maybe he feels he does all the work and you don't contribute. Who knows, men think women are hard to read. HA Men are worse. Most importantly, tell him that the 2 of you have to discuss this. Let him know you have to be open or this marriage will not work. But just as a warning to you. If he does open up, it could be bad and hurt you. Try not to be nasty if he does open up and tells you something you do not like. When you ask for honesty, even if it stings like hell, if you ridicule him for it, he will never open up to you again. If you are seriously considering blowing him off to try to show him how it feels, Be very careful. It might push him further away and it might push either or of you into the bed of another. Good luck! Blondie2334
It sounds to me like he wasn't ready to get married. He cares about you and wanted to help you out - especially with your dysfunctional family situation - but it doesn't sound like he realized what he was getting into. Before you were just dating. He could spend time with you, then go home have time to himself. Now he sees you in all of his spare time. He knows you're at home alone so he *should* come home to be with you and not spend time with buddies anymore. All the pressure is on him to take care of you both and provide. At 20, that's a *heavy* change for anybody.
The fact that you are now relying on him for EVERYTHING doesn't help. Healthy well balanced relationships involve more partnership (both people contributing) rather than dependency.
Stop focussing on the sex - it's only a symptom of an overlying problem. Once the real problem is addressed, sex will recover naturally. Talk to your husband and identify what are the big issues, e.g. feeling overwhelmed, losing identity, your employment prospects, bills, etc. Whatever the problem is, try to work through it, and if you two can't figure out how to talk about it with each other, consider couples counselling. Good luck.
One other thing, since you posted you're fairly young (18). Sex does not equal love. The absence of sex does not equal the absence of love. The amount to which you and your partner have sex does not indicate *absolutely* how much he loves you. Your husband knows you're unhappy and is choosing to avoid the issue because (1) he doesn't know how to fix it, and (2) is afraid that you will be very upset by what he has to say. Pushing him even harder for something he doesn't want to do *will* make things worse (just as it would with a woman, or any human being for that matter).
I have tried lingerie, he couldn't careless. I walk around the house nude sometimes, doesn't work. And don't even think about giving him "oral" asleep or awake just out of no where, because it won't happen. And it isn't just sex! He doesn't seem to want to be around me. And if he wanted to spend time with buddies, he would. I don't hold him back. But when I offer for him to hang out with friends of mine, he won't. We also have a lot of mutual friends (friends that were his prior to me) and when they ask to hang out, I'm down, but then he says he doesn't want to.
I don't believe sex is everything or that it equals love. I was very "active" prior to him and that was just sex. But when someone that you DO love doesn't like to leave the house (with me or anyone at that), won't even take a 5 minute walk to the lake, and will only sit on the couch as soon as he walks in the door, then...turns you down majority of the time when you try to engage in something more than sex. It's not like I scream "JUST F**K ME!" I feel like it's one of the many things we can do together that him and I can only do that provides a feeling of more than just physical plesaure.
Just like watching movies all the time bothers me, it's repetitive, and I know sex everyday can be the same, and then looses it's value. I'm not asking for that, I'm just tired of 8 months of rejection and then once we do, it feels like he doesn't want to. Talking to him seems impossible. He always says I am over reacting. I've asked him if he feels like he regrets marriage (in a nice way) and he says only when we argue, but it's worth it and he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
He used to be majorly into drugs before (addictive drugs) and he has been clean for 2 years (he is in the service), he doesn't drink and he also told me, he starts to get "itchy" when he goes out because a lot of people who are at parties are doing coke. I never knew that. I don't have a problem going out because I've never done anything addictive...actually nothing besides marijuana. He doesn't drink (which all of his buddies do) because of his views from his family and how some have ruined their lives due to it.
He isn't your average 20 year old Sailor. He doesn't party, doesn't drink, and doesn't do drugs.
Wow, my problem is sort of similar. boyfrind works and Im home all the time. We have tons of sex but if there ever isa time we dont its because he doesnt want to. its frustrating and does hurt alot and NO its NOT ABOUT just the sex its a lot more about love than anyone so far has stated. The giving him oral thing has worked for me, and also offering to do all the work sometimes and f**k him instead. they like that. I would like to know more in detail about how it goes when YOU DO have sex. it might not be spectacular and then he might not be looking forward to a next time. and honestly some people just aren't sexually compatible. even if they love each other dearly. If this is the case after all else fails then either move on or both of you have agree to try and change this, sex is very important in a deeply loving relationship especially if you're young. sex should be amazing all the time. like being in your own porno everytime. Nothing is wrong with you at all sweetie, although you need to be more affirmative and get in his face if he won't talk. dont be a doormatt hon. it might be just what he needs. good luck.
Haha, thanks. I don't think you can be more affirmative than I am. At times I get so frustrated that I will literally just jump on him and say "THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND SINCE YOU'RE NOT, I'M GOING TO F*** YOU!". The thing about not being sexually compatible, maybe...but he used to beg for it. I think he is mainly stressed and we have sex in the same places. I don't mind the outdoors, or even PDA, but he freaks out. And I totally agree, people who say that I need to chill out and sex isn't everything, well...how's that saying go "SEX IS LIKE AIR, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT UNTIL YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY."
It could be the stress of being married, working, supporting a family and other things could be wearing him out, so he is not in the mood for sex. Also, sex does not happen everyday after you get married, sometimes it doesn't happen every other day when you are married. That does not mean you don't love each other, it just means that you now have to start dealing with real life.
I'll give you one suggestion -- any time he is willing, do it, whether you feel like it or not. My wife just told me she thinks our sex life *****, but if I don't do it when or how she likes it, she's not into it -- then wonders why I sometimes lack interest.
She also is MUCH more likely to tell me things she doesn't like outside of bed (why didn't you do this? Why did you do that?) And now you want me to screw you? Well no thanks.
I get home about 8:00 at night, and after fixing myself dinner, it is about 9:00 and I want to watch TV or check my email, or look for jobs. At 10:00 I'd like to go to bed -- together -- but she's texting her mom or her friends, so I just keep doing what I'm doing. Then she gets in bed and falls asleep. Hey, I've been waiting!
Now she has a job and when we do go to bed, either:
It is too late, and one or both of us are tired.
We do something else first -- we're religious and try to read a chapter of scripture and have a prayer each night -- so that by the time all that is done I'm tired, or she is, or one of us has to get up in the morning.
Now, she's "not attracted to me." You know what makes you attracted to someone? ROMANCE THEM. Take some initiative.
Anyway, JT, if he wants it, give it to him -- every time. It'll create a "craving cycle" in him, and he'll start to crave it more and more.
Financial troubles take an enormous toll on a man. If you want to help, get a job. Take the bus, take a train, get a ride with a neighbor, but pitch in. It is hard to want to be romantic when you can't afford something.
Start putting some money in the bank, and it'll make a difference in your sex life. Even if it isn't much.
Wow, Odlywed, that hasn't happened to me yet. I hope it doesn't (no offense), not like my situation is the best, but goodluck!
As far as the kid thing goes...when we first got together I was not on bc and he didn't want to use condoms (yes, we both were tested before making the choice of not using condoms). I tried bc, but I had horrible side effects. I've actually been diagnosed with Endometriosis, so the chances are slim, and...I'm not taking bc because I feel it has "unhealthy" effects on me. I don't think the kid deal is the problem.
Although, I do believe it is stress. We had a talk and I guess he is starting to see from my point of view. I haven't pushed since the talk and we had the MOST AMAZING SEX tonight lol. He started it...lol. Loved it. AMAZING! lol
Haha, not that anyone cares lol.
Anyways, as far as me getting a job, it is almost impossible. Not trying to sound lazy or as if I don't want to, because honestly I feel like **** that I am not helping. It makes me feel like a parasite, but he doesn't push for me to find a job because of our situation. There are not bus lines for miles away, trains...about 10 miles away. The only place we have near us is a 7 eleven...which I have applied at. We're currently working on the car deal, I may be getting my dream redneck truck soon. =]
I agree with Katarina777, he is mostly on drugs as that takes a toll on one's sexuality in where he might not be able to perform. (talking from personal experience). Sex does not equal love but it does play a role if you are not getting any. My husband and I are also our financial difficulty but our love and sex life is very active... we are both older as well 40 and 37 and we have sex a couple times a week and at at times a day, you guys should be in the honeymoon phase, so I believe the problem lies deeper, talk to him and see if needs help...
My husband is not using drugs, I know this for a fact. Niether prescribed or abuse. He is military, I believe it would pop up on a **** test and he would no longer be in. I use narcotics for pain and even when I'm on them, I want to have sex. Thanks for your input and advice, but it doesn't apply.
when you two were single it was exciting and now that your married the excitement is gone because he knows he can have it anytime he wants.i don'twant to discourage you but don't rule out the cheating too soon.your young and probably a very attractive women so how could he not want you.if your relationship was good before the marriage then it should get better as time goes on.when i was married i loved my wife more and more every day and i always desired her.men aren't interested one day and not interested the next.there could be a thousand reasons so don't blame it on yourelf.maybe the both of you should talk to a priest or a marriage counsler.be patient and i know its hard but things will get betterdon't ask him for it anymore let him come to youand when he's not around ,masturbate,that will relieve you of some of the pressure.good luckt o you and i hope i was of some help to you
The below link - was the cover story in National Geographic 8 years ago. It explains it all. The level of the excitement/passion neurotransmitters in the brain always go back to normal WITHIN 4 years. Always. That's the outer limit. It could happen anytime within 4 years. You can't have the same amount of cocaine everyday - and have the same effect.
I have been with my fiance for 8 years and our sex life is just as good, we have 2 kids and still find the time to have sex. Usually twice a day, sometimes more, and there are nights where i wake him or he wakes me to have sex.
I wonder if yall are still together, this is 2008 post.
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