Since I was about 12 years old (I am 15 now) I masturbate over the idea of girls giving me a makeover and I have no idea why, but as soon as I finish when I have calmed down I feel sickened by the idea. Once I tried wearing girls clothing and wearing makeup, but it didn't make a difference. I felt about the same as I would wearing my normal clothes. Which is normally a polo with some baggy trousers. But as soon as I get aroused I start thinking its a good idea. I really don't know why I would want to. I have suffered lots of depression when I was younger but it has gotten a bit better and I have some self esteem issues. Meaning I don't really like myself. A lot of the time I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. By the way I am pretty sure I am 100% straight. Plus I have never kissed a girl or have a girlfriend. Please tell me why I am having these problems.
Have you looked up some websites that are about sexuality, written for teenagers? (I.e., not porno sites! but the ones written for educational purposes?) I know that especially in the LGBT community there is a lot of educational outreach because of how distressed some kids are on discovering their sexuality doesn't fit the standard package, there is even teen suicide over it. So there is an effort by adults who also went through the same lonely thing, to put together information for kids who are trying to handle stuff like this without advice.
As far as getting excited about women's clothes is concerned, a lot of guys who are somewhat fetishistic about women's clothing are straight guys, they just happen to find women's clothing erotic, and have transferred their erotic fixation to themselves and the clothing, together. Whether it will stay with you or fade away as you grow into adult relationships with women, kind of remains to be seen. But please give yourself a bye, if thoughts like this go through your mind. Let them, they might take on less importance over time or might not, but try to see the whole mental image as one of those things that sexuality does. In other words, try not to be down on yourself about the fantasy; humans are quite sexual beings and fire up to all kinds of stimulus.
As for self-esteem, there are very few teenagers in the world who could honestly say this is NOT an issue for them. It's such a changing time, the brain is changing and the hormones are acting on the emotions -- best thing to do to lift your spirits is exercise, and taking care of yourself.
Good luck! Try to relax and count this as something that might go by, but if it does not, that is not a big deal either.
Good luck, RandomGuy. Sexuality is astonishing; the amount of stuff human beings have figured out to do to get a sexual charge would fill a whole set of encyclopedias. Consider that anything you do that does not hurt another human being, is acceptable and is human. And keep in mind that this time of your life, the main hallmark is change. Be allowing to yourself, try not to be down on yourself. Surviving being 15 is a super accomplishment altogether! (As a friend of mine once told my husband who was going to run a marathon -- "If you don't get passed at the 20-mile point by someone juggling bowling balls, congratulations! You win!") Try to see sexuality with the same kind of relaxed allowance, and you'll get stuck less and will come out OK. :)
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