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Is this rape and how would i find out if it was?
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Is this rape and how would i find out if it was?

I am 17 years old and I just broke up with my boyfriend so I had a few friends over.
We all had a few drinks. Well one of my friends brought a friend over who was 23 or 24 I don't remember.
I got really drunk and woke up and he was in my bed.
He says we slep together, but i was on my period. I couldnt remember what happened so at first I though maybe we did.
The last thing I remember was going to bed and I didnt understand how we could of slep together with my time of the month.
Then I realized I didnt remember taking a tampon out and I had no idea where it was.
2 days later I felt some disconfort. Then I realized the tampon was inside me and i took it out.
I dont see myself getting so smashed to sleep with a random guy on my peroid.
Also I was 16 at the time almost 17 and he was 23 or 24.
And he didnt drink at all!!
If we slep together would it be rape? I dont know what to do. I am not pregnent and dont have signs of an STD or anything, but I am going for tests. because he said he also didnt use a condom.
If I did decide to sleep with him why would he do that I was clearly 16, drunk, and what he deided on his own terms not to use a condom.
i dont know if I did slep with him or he took advantage.
Should I talk to him or go to the police?
I dont want to ruin his life he I concented to do it because he is so much older and maybe he didnt know my ago.
I dont know what to do.
Please help me and give me advice.
Thanks a lot.
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21 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
talk to him.............
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Avatar_m_tn
In any case what you did was stupid... but you know that.

What you should probably do is talk to a rape crisis center..
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687619_tn?1227183379
Yes, that is good advice - go to a rape crisis center - DO NOT talk to this scum bag - he was a friend of a friend who you hardly knew.  

Don't blame yourself for anything, this MAN and I repeat MAN should not have taken advantage of you...... in my opinion he is a rapist.

The feelings that this episode has left you with are classic of a rape victim - talk to someone who can help you decide how to proceed.  

Good luck - Life is tough for young girls I wish you all the best

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580755_tn?1357673215
Depending on the state it might be rape due to the age, and bacially if you can't say no then it is rape but it would be had to prove in a court since you don't remember it.

But as others have said a rape center is the best place to talk to someone and get information.

ALWAYS REMEMBER...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
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Avatar_m_tn
Not her fault is true but she still shouldn't have been drinking at her age, particularly without a friend.  I know it's no fun being drugged as I have had someone do it to me in a situation a lot more unlikely than where she got drunk and passed out however...

I also have taught my daughters to pur their own drinks, don't drink anything that you didn't open, or that MANY other people are drinking from also..  I have also taught them from when they were younger how to make it look like you have a drink even when you don't.

Like the ad says "drink responsibly"
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Avatar_f_tn
I kinda think you were 'date raped'. If you don't know what that is and need to find out then going to a crises center is good as they will also answer any questions you have. Not knowing can be very emotional! GoodLuck and stay away from drink!
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492898_tn?1222247198
I think you should question, and perhaps even blame, your friend who brought the guy. maybe she did though knowingly and with purpose thinking this may help you get over your boyfriend?
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Avatar_n_tn
I know what I did way very stupid.
I'm usually very aware of what I am doing and I am usually very safe with what I am doing.
See also the thing is it was at my house and I had 2 girlfriends over and him. We were all drinking, but not him because he doesn't drink.
I was dancing with him also, but I dont think I was drugged ebcause I was drinking beer and when I was away from my beer to use the washroom I'm sure my other friends would of seen him do something.
I remember almost the whole night to the point where i was laying down and i dont remember anything else after that. But he's been trying to talk to me after the incident and from what I know about rape if it was rape he probably wouldnt be trying to get a hold of me and all that.
But I dont know. I think I might try and talk to someone about. I still havent told any one except all of you.
I think chances are I did being so drunk and yeah he was a big ******* for doing it, but I think I concented. I wouldnt want it to go to court because I dont know if I did or didnt concent.
I think maybe I should try and forget the whole thing after talking to someone to get some comfort about what happened.
But I'm going to get tested on Monday and if I have anything I will for sure talk to someone about everything.
But the one thing that made me think it was rape besides all of the obvious was I had a tampon in and any 'man' would know it was there, so I dont understand why he would do it.
Anyways...
Thanks for all of your help I really needed some advice I feel horrible about the whole thing.
And any other advice would be very helpful.
Thanks everyone.
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580755_tn?1357673215
Try not to beat yourself up over it. I disagee with Sam because when I was 17 I was drinking and so were most of my friends, so I can say it was wrong but I am not going to be a hypocrit about it.

He maybe trying to talk to you because he either is scared and knows what he did (if he did anything) was wrong or he thinks that everything is cool and wants more sex from you. Either way when i was 23 i was not hitting on a 17 year old. I would ask him, why not find someone who is 23?

If you want any other conversation feel free to send me a message.
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492898_tn?1222247198
Is he a nice guy? he sounds like it.
I would definitely not report him; rapists don't spend the night in your bed with you.
It's one thing to get help for you, another to press criminal charges.
But what I think is that you may get most of the help you need from him, by talking and he has been willing to do so.

We all , or most of us all do stupid things sometimes, so don't worry, or blame, and all that. Try to find something positive about what happened. it's not too late.
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687619_tn?1227183379
NOOOOO Darlin -   He is not a nice guy -  he not be as bad as I came across in my first comment BUT - statutory rape or date rape is rape just the same.  and YES, they do spend the night in your bed with you if you let them.  You were drunk you didn't let him do anything - he took what was not his........

He may be immature and want not even aware of the stress this has caused you. He may be trying to contact you because he wants more from you but really would want him for a boyfriend knowing he's the kind of man who can do what he did.

Don't talk to him to get over this.......Communication with him is not the answer. Communication ISSSSS the answer tho - not just with us on here.  Go see someone

Maybe when you go get tested ask for a referral to see a professional to help sort all your feelings out.  I am speaking from my own experience when I say that these feelings don't pass and at some level this will stay with you forever. Sort it out now while it is fresh. I didn't find myself help ......and even tho I am a healthy happy woman.....when I think back it sometimes hurts even more now than it did then.

The most important thing is that you do not blame yourself.  That you learn to drink more responsibly -----  and be aware that when you are depressed or sad about something else-----even a couple beers can be to much.

Good luck
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492898_tn?1222247198
these long names are killing me...to remember. Wanted to say you are probably right, and I do already sometimes get those 'senile', or perhaps 'senior' moments where I  leave a bad comment. Thanks.
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Avatar_n_tn
no it's not your fault and like they said you shouldn't have been drinking at your age.i do believe that it was rape because if you did't concent to it then he shouldn't have took advantage of you at all.for your friend they should have asked you first if he was allowed over there and not have just brought him to your house,what if something else would have went wrong then it would have been your friends fault.well next time be more careful and take care of yourself i hope your ok
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Avatar_n_tn
In a court of law this would probably not be considered rape. Depending where you live of course, the age of consent is 14-15 (and you were 16 at the time). You were a minor consuming alcohol with others. Having blanked out would provide no evidence. It basically becomes your word against his. Unless you kept the tampon that has his fluids in it, there is no way to even prove you two had sex.
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Avatar_n_tn
give him a pass **** happens at parties watch the liquor the weed and the roofies!!
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Avatar_n_tn
um im srry, but it had to be pretty hard for him to have sex with you, you having a tampon on and all...and u would deff!. have felt some pain cuz of it the next morning. so i honestly dnt even think he really had sex with you... but just speak to him. best advice.
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Avatar_f_tn
Umm first off I have had sex with a tampon in I forgot it was there and I didn't notice it until about two hours after and then I remembered so...
And yes i would say RAPE if it happened then there is such a thing as being to intoxicated to consent to sex!
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1052305_tn?1254954576
Honestly, in cases like this I think it's just as much your fault as his. Number one, you shouldn't have been drinking. Number two, especially to the point where something like this could happen. If you are going to drink, especially underage, you should surround yourself with people you can actually TRUST and KNOW they are good people and definately don't drink with people you may not know well.

BUT, it was definately not right of him to take advantage of you.

To me, it's kind of sketchy whether this should be considered "rape" or not - but I'm not the jury here, so, lol.. Talk to someone you can trust and decide if reporting this as rape is really something you want to do or if maybe you should just learn from your mistake.

I do sincerely hope you feel better though and that everything works out.

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Avatar_f_tn
Even though this post is old, I feel the need to comment to provide some information on rape and sexual assault.

Drug facilitated sexual assault: when drugs or alcohol are used to compromise an individual's ability to consent to sexual activity. In addition, drugs and alcohol are often used in order to minimize the resistance and memory of the victim of a sexual assault.

There are three main considerations in judging whether or not a sexual act is consensual (which means that both people are old enough to consent, have the capacity to consent, and agreed to the sexual contact) or is a crime.

   1. Are the participants old enough to consent? Each state sets an “age of consent,” which is the minimum age someone must be to have sex. People below this age are considered children and cannot legally agree to have sex. In other words, even if the child or teenager says yes, the law says no.
          * In most states, the age of consent is 16 or 18. In some states, the age of consent varies according to the age difference between the participants. Generally, “I thought she was 18” is not considered a legal excuse — it’s up to you to make sure your partner is old enough to legally take part.
          * Because laws are different in every state, it is important to find out the law in your state. You can call your local crisis center or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE to find out more about the laws in your state.
   2. Do both people have the capacity to consent? States also define who has the mental and legal capacity to consent. Those with diminished capacity — for example, some people with disabilities, some elderly people and people who have been drugged or are unconscious — may not have the legal ability to agree to have sex.
          * These categories and definitions vary widely by state, so it is important to check the law in your state. You can call your local crisis center or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE to find out more about the laws in your state.
   3. Did both participants agree to take part? Did someone use physical force to make you have sexual contact with him/her? Has someone threatened you to make you have intercourse with them? If so, it is rape.
          * It doesn’t matter if you think your partner means yes, or if you’ve already started having sex — “No” also means “Stop.” If you proceed despite your partner’s expressed instruction to stop, you have not only violated basic codes of morality and decency, you may have also committed a crime under the laws of your state (check your state’s laws for specifics).
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1060231_tn?1338393735
the real way to find out is to ask him if he enjoyed his time with you that night.if he says yes then you know he did you..but first off you being 16 and drunk was asking for it.he seen the opportunity so he took it.he was wrong doing it.sex with a minor is a crime,but you put yourself in that perdicament.does your parents know?i bet not.you need to start thinking with your brain before you act on anything.what if he  had aids? your life would be down the tubes and all for nothing.you have to blame yourself as much as him because you know your a minor and you know you shouldn't be drinking in the first place.i'm sorry if i sound mean but like the old saying goes,you get what you ask for.your young and your only young once,whatever mistakes you make in life you pay for because theres no going back.you only get one crack at life so whatever it is you do,do it right the first time there are no seond chances.good luck and i hope thing work out for you.sincerely pete
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Avatar_f_tn
gagootza this post is from 2008 i seriously doubt the op still checks it.
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