My boyfriend has no interest in me

[ConfusedLady619]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We've always both had a high sex drive. For the first five years we had sex daily,  after that it was typically 4-5 times a week. Lately it's been a lot less often, maybe once a week. But suddenly I'm having trouble getting his attention at all. He turns me down whenever I try and he never initiates it. When I tried to talk to him about it he says I'm imagining things and it hasn't been that long. I'm finding that he visits porn sites pretty much daily. I asked if he was sleeping with someone else, or if porn was really that much more interesting than I am, or if he wasn't attracted to me. He says there is no problem and its none of those things.  Yesterday was his birthday, the 11th one he's had since we've been together. Every year he gets excited about birthday sex, but he didnt attempt to touch me at all. I asked him about it and he said he was just tired. I dont know what to do...

[JacquiOlliver]

Sexual fantasies can play a crucial role and may be part of the problem you are experiencing. This is how most people think about fantasies:

1) I must enact on my sexual fantasies to feel sexually fulfilled
2) I could be interested in enacting some of them
3) I'm curious, but I don't know if I want to do them for real
4) I only like thinking about them, or talking about them with my sexual partner
5) I have no interest at all in sexual fantasies

You have already mentioned you have both always had a high sex drive. If your boyfriend has a fantasy about performing anal sex AND he must enact on his sexual fantasies to feel sexually fulfilled - and that's a fantasy you have no interest in, then that in itself could be causing the problem.

The more a person engages their thoughts in acting out a fantasy, the more boring 'normal' sex becomes for them. The thing is, this need to act out a fantasy is a normal state for some people. Just like it's perfectly normal for other people to simply like thinking about their fantasies.

Ask him if he absolutely has to enact on his anal sex fantasy (if he already knows you know about it) to feel sexually fulfilled. Be calm about it. You need to know the truth from his perspective, so you can make an informed decision.

[remar]

We can give many possible reasons for your boyfriends behavior but the answer is going to have to come from him. The two of you need to calmly sit down and talk about what's going on. Maybe even think about couples therapy. Fighting about this will get you no where.

[Chima7]

This is silly, you're feeling less attractive because of some totally lame fake people in a porn movie? Why? You're obviously better than those girls cause you don't have sex with multiple guys for money while being filmed. Come on, those girls are trash, you don't want to be them. Be yourself and don't let stupid porn make you feel like less of a person. Seriously, have you ever seen any? It's completely laughable and so dumb, it's hard for me to believe people are turned on by it and that so many women get all weird about it, saying it makes them feel bad about themselves. You're not the one making a total fool out of yourself for guys to spank it to in the ridiculous fakeness that is porn.

As for your boyfriend, is it possible he may be cheating? It all sounds kind of fishy to me that he's gone off sex with you so severely. I think you need to start looking for other clues about whether or not he is remaining faithful to you. Our if it's just some lane porn issue. I find it hard not laugh at a guy who uses porn so often. I'm like, Seriously? Desperation doesn't look good on anyone, that's for sure.

[ConfusedLady619]

He's always been very confident in the bedroom, and rightfully so. We've always had a good sexual relationship, even when other areas of our lives weren't going well.
One thing that makes me wonder is that the porn in finding is all anal porn. Thats something I wont do, so it makes me feel even less attractive to him since clearly its something he wants or enjoys watching.

[JacquiOlliver]

Do you think performance issues could be a concern for your guy?
Your boyfriend may have had an incidence of losing his erection hardness during sex or while he was masturbating to porn. Also if he is working long hours or eating a lot of processed food (which makes his brain and body tired) then he is even more likely to suffer from bouts of ED - which is loss of erection hardness.

In my clinical experience, men who are suffering from sexual problems including ED and PE (premature ejaculation) refrain from having regular sex with their partner because of the constant fear and anxiety of experiencing these problems during sex and disappointing their partner. They still have a high sex drive - so they use porn in an attempt to remove some of the sexual frustration.

Sex problems are difficult for men to cope with mentally, because much of a man's self esteem is centered around his ability to perform sexually. And when a man is totally focused on his sexual problem, it exacerbates his ability to perform and creates emotional distance between you, inside and outside the bedroom.

[boz5886]

Try dumping him. Move on.

[ConfusedLady619]

He turned 30 yesterday....the fact that he's interested in porn makes me doubt it's a medical thing. It's very upsetting because we're fighting constantly over it.

[AndRynne]

You don't tell me your boyfriends age which is a pity.  He might consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy but I would need to know a lot more about him before I could advice.