I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 36. We are a lesbian couple. We have been together going on three years. She was in a bad marriage when I met her. Now she's going through the divorce and we have been living together. I have a great relationship with her 14 year old daughter. My girlfriend and i have a great friendship. We fight more then some couples, but the love factor is running strong. We used to have sex almost everyday. She couldn't wait to get her clothes off when she came over after work. I understand that the 2 or 3 times we went through is normal, but lately it's barely been once a month. She has some serious health issues, and she works 60 hour weeks as a restaurant manager. She's a strong willed beautiful woman who will probably work for a long time. When we do have sex it's great, at least up untill lately. Lately it's only special occasions. On good days when she is feeling okay, and neither of us have to get up I would assume she wanted it as much as me. I want to have sex just seeing her in her underwear, but she just seems completely unaroused all the time. I did talk to her. She said I didn't touch her enough. I told her it was because she was saying how tired she was all the time. She said if I touched her in a sensual way it would turn her on. So I do more back rubs and cuddling then our typical sit on the couch watching cabel till bed time. And I got nothing. She may move or breath like it's going to turn her on then she falls asleep as I wait for confirmation that shes in the mood. When I tried talking to her again she says it's because I'm not romantic enough. That I need to whisper sweet nothings in her ear and lay rose petals and candles. That's nice and all but must it be done once or twice a week to get laid? And when she DOES show interest its a drunk quickie. And I want to make love, I want it to last. I don't know what to do. She knew she was the breadwinner when she got into this relationship. I'm a sweet cuddly person but I'm not overly romantic. But the lack of sex is really starting to make my stomach hurt. When I do put myself out there and attempt to turn her on I just make myself queezy once she falls alseep. And beleive me, I watch plenty if porn to keep myself sane, but it's not working anymore. She says she needs more romance, but she didn't even think to give me sex on my own birthday after promising it to me. Then she promised it to me the next morning and still didnt give it to me at all. Claiming that it was my job to initiate bc she always does. Well she totally doesn't anymore, nor does she pick up what I put down. Im assuming all bc she wants someone different then me. HELP!?
It sounds a little like all the stress is really getting to her. 60 hours a week is a lot and even the easiest divorce can make someone stressed out. Is there any way she could cut back her hours? A low sex drive can be infuriating, demoralizing, and make even the most infrequent sex feel like a chore. But that shouldn't mean the pressure is all on you to fix it. Also because it is a frustrating situation to be in, even though you two seem to be getting your feelings a cross, is it possible that sex has become something to fight over and be bitter about? I mean when you guys have these conversations about sex, does that develop into a fight? If so you may want to think about a counselor or mediator. My husband and I have only had two major fights and they were both about sex. Heck, most of our minor spats lately have been about sex too. So I know sex can be a very difficult subject to talk about with your spouse, and having someone else there might help. Your needs are just as important as hers.
Yes our arguments include sex on a regular. But as I stated the convos lead to her needs not getting met no matter what I do. We tried a counselor once, but we just can't afford that. She cannot cut back her hours at all and we more so then can't affor it, is we literally don't have the time. She's off today, I'm in to work at 4. This is the 2nd rarest next to us being off on the same day entirely. Her kids volley ball game is at 6 or so. And she just walked out the door to get her hair done. Apparently it takes 4 hours. I was just waking up. She usually is the one to sleep. I can't do this anymore. I really dont think I have any other options.
You sound pretty mad and like you're pushing for something she can't give. You have no idea where she is emotionally, with her job and the divorce, and if you are her first female partner, her sexuality too. The number of times having sex in a year is probably not so much the issue, her deciding who she is, is more likely the issue, and that will take a while. I think you seriously have to decide if it's worth waiting while she figures out who she is.
I agree with AnnieBrooke, you may have to decide if she's worth the wait. It may take her a while to figure everything out and in the mean time it sounds like the atmosphere is just caustic. Yes she's going through a hard time and yes you should be sensitive to that. But I strongly believe it's unreasonable to completely ignore your needs or have her deem them unimportant.
I'm not her first female partner. She had a gf for a year or so before me. I'm just the reason she finally had the balls to leave. After three years I know how sexually active she and we can be. She used to come get it everyday after work before she finally left him. Then our issues became real and reality worked it's way into our relationship. My frustration is stemmed from sexual tension, but more so, that if it was as simple as stress I would understand. And I know that's part of it. Why does she make it seem like it's all me doing it wrong? This is something we have talked about numerous times and have yet to figure out.
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