My husband has no desire for sex

[Marilynny]

He says he does, but he has never been the one to initiate sex. He was horribly abused as a child, and I do mean in every way imaginable. We have been together for 12 years, and I have been understanding thus far, but I am to a point now where the lack of affection, kissing, cuddling and no sex is making me crazy. I have dreams of faceless men making love to me! I've talked and talked til I am blue in the face. He agrees something is wrong with him, and that it has to do with his childhood, but refuses to get help. I feel my only options are to either shut up and stay and be miserable or leave and I don't want to leave him. We get along great otherwise and have a good relationship. He is honest and trustworthy, does not drink or do drugs, has a good sense of humor. I know my marriage could be much, much worse. I am at a loss of what to do?

[deepdiver]

Hi, I can relate to this situation 100% as I was abused as a child I'm married and have grown children I will be married 45 years and don't show affection to
my wife we do have sex every day if he won't initiate the sex then I say you should.
I do tell my wife that I love her, but not very often . Please understand he can't help himself!
Know that he does love you!! I don't know if he told you what happened to him as a child but I know my wife from the age of 16 and i'm 63 now
and could never tell her what happened to me. I'm sorry I can't give you good advise

[Marilynny]

THanks Vance,

I have talked and talked in every way shape and form. I would NEVER cheat on him and the thought of that never enters my mind. I even get upset about the dreams because I don't want another man putting his hands on me, dreaming or otherwise!

He does get upset and walk away when we talk about it, and no amount of being nice or calm makes a difference. He takes offense and so I leave him alone for days, weeks, months. We do have sex occasionally, (maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks sometimes longer) but I always have to initiate it. It is usually pretty good, too and satisfying for both of us. (He is the only man I was ever able to orgasm with)
He says he wants to make love everyday, several times a day, but then again tells me he hardly thinks about sex. I am very confused!! :(

[Vance2335]

This sounds like a difficult situation for you and your husband. First let me say make sure that your fantasy of the faceless men stay that way, do not even let the thought of an affair come into your head because overall it sounds like you have a good one.

if you have not already sit down with him and talk with him. Let him know all of your feelings. let him know what he needs to do not only for himself but for you. Chances are he will get upset and even try to walk away from the conversation and if he does then let him, give him time to cool down, but make sure you bring it up again. Let him know that you love him no matter what but the lack of affection is having a very bad effect on you and you need him to seek help.

Also do not make it just about you because for the health of him he needs to get help. Strongly show him that without getting the help he needs that he will not be able to be the man he is meant to be.

Do you have children? if so then also bring up the fact that your kids need a strong father who they can learn from, and they need him there emotionally.

I am not an expert just giving you my opinion on the matter.