Aa
My husband is a sex addict
I have discovered my husband of 11 yrs. is obsessed with bondage/S&M and I am NOT ok with it!!! This stuff is not sex!?!? Gagging and hurting women!!?!? WHO IS THIS MAN?? I am devastated!! I just found his "stash" of thousands upon thousands of videos & images he has saved over the course of entire marriage! This disturbs me.. Nothing about that stuff is love!! And call me old fashion but to me, sex is an expression of love not a sadistic ritual of shame and pain thrust upon women..I just don't get it.. I am struggling really back here!! I just need to wrap my head around how that if that is what turns my husband on sexually.. how could I ever have then!?!?!?! Has the last 11 yrs. been a lie to cover up this side of him??? How could these things excite him? I thought we had a good sex life.. silly me!!! I am crushed.. I have no idea how I can ever trust him.. YEARS of sneaking, hiding, lying..
Most likely your husband is not a sex addict. He is probably embarrassed by his attraction to this fetish. He is afraid to let you know so you wouldn't judge him. Actually odds are he most likely wishes to be dominated. Seeing a counselor will give you a voice on this matter as well as other issues you stated he is deficient. It may also open you both up to finding a balance in your sex life. Stress how you want intimate lovemaking, and perhaps try some light bondage (blindfold and handcuffs). It appears you are a strong woman which is why he may want you to dominate him. Be open and honest, but definitely speak to a counselor.
I realize this was years ago, but something struck me as I read the question and responses from the woman who asked the question. It seems as though she had wanted out of the relationship and was using this as an excuse to facilitate the divorce.
As a woman who is very involved in encouraging my husband to share his desires with me I have a different feeling about the subject. If he was having an affair or participating in BDSM with other people behind her back I could completely understand her reaction. Since I don't understand it I am going to simply offer some suggestions to possibly lessen some of the taboo on the subject. While many women see sex as an expression of love it should be understood that many men do not. It is a physical act and can be with someone they love, but it is not nearly as emotional for a man as it is for a woman. There are exceptions though because I do not get emotional about sex although I have it with my husband whom I love very much.
It is easier to dismiss the topic of his fetish entirely rather than to explore the reasons he enjoys it and is aroused by it. If she was willing to explore the topic she could possibly find something with which to enjoy and participate with him. It is not degrading nor mistreating women because the women involved are quite willing. If the videos depicted rape and unwilling participants that would be entirely different. Some people are interested in the subject of restraining or being restrained stems from abuse or from times when there was a power issue. It doesn't have to be ugly or degrading.
In a situation where one spouse learns about the desires or fetishes of another spouse there really are only two options in the reality of the situation. Some might suggest there are more, but I will explain why there are merely two. One is accepting that the spouse has the fetish and decide to explore it together and the second is to end the relationship. Some will suggest a third of staying together and having the spouse ignore their desires and sexual interests. That is not actually an option because no one is able to control the imagination or mind of another. He will still have those desires and still think about it even if his spouse does not wish it to happen. Staying together and pretending those desires are banished or can be is naive.
My husband was terrified to share the things he is aroused by early in our relationship. The most amusing part of us is that the desires were similar to some of my own. That makes it easier in our situation.
When a spouse feels safe and comfortable then they will be willing to discuss the secret parts about them which are kept hidden. He obviously did not tell his wife because he knew her thoughts about the subject. He should not have lied to her, but he did. I imagine the couple ended up divorcing or she learned to ignore that part of his desires. That seems unlikely though.
To the person who posted recently. Have you asked about what part he finds arousing? Is it the trust which is required between two people in that situation? Is it something he wants done to him or is it something he wants to do who someone else? Is there any mild version of his fetish which you would be willing to explore together? Are you willing to allow him to enjoy movies or erotic stories of his fetish as long as he doesn't act on them? Do you have desires you have not shared with him? It isn't likely that the desires will go away even with counselling, but that is always an option.
As a woman who is very involved in encouraging my husband to share his desires with me I have a different feeling about the subject. If he was having an affair or participating in BDSM with other people behind her back I could completely understand her reaction. Since I don't understand it I am going to simply offer some suggestions to possibly lessen some of the taboo on the subject. While many women see sex as an expression of love it should be understood that many men do not. It is a physical act and can be with someone they love, but it is not nearly as emotional for a man as it is for a woman. There are exceptions though because I do not get emotional about sex although I have it with my husband whom I love very much.
It is easier to dismiss the topic of his fetish entirely rather than to explore the reasons he enjoys it and is aroused by it. If she was willing to explore the topic she could possibly find something with which to enjoy and participate with him. It is not degrading nor mistreating women because the women involved are quite willing. If the videos depicted rape and unwilling participants that would be entirely different. Some people are interested in the subject of restraining or being restrained stems from abuse or from times when there was a power issue. It doesn't have to be ugly or degrading.
In a situation where one spouse learns about the desires or fetishes of another spouse there really are only two options in the reality of the situation. Some might suggest there are more, but I will explain why there are merely two. One is accepting that the spouse has the fetish and decide to explore it together and the second is to end the relationship. Some will suggest a third of staying together and having the spouse ignore their desires and sexual interests. That is not actually an option because no one is able to control the imagination or mind of another. He will still have those desires and still think about it even if his spouse does not wish it to happen. Staying together and pretending those desires are banished or can be is naive.
My husband was terrified to share the things he is aroused by early in our relationship. The most amusing part of us is that the desires were similar to some of my own. That makes it easier in our situation.
When a spouse feels safe and comfortable then they will be willing to discuss the secret parts about them which are kept hidden. He obviously did not tell his wife because he knew her thoughts about the subject. He should not have lied to her, but he did. I imagine the couple ended up divorcing or she learned to ignore that part of his desires. That seems unlikely though.
To the person who posted recently. Have you asked about what part he finds arousing? Is it the trust which is required between two people in that situation? Is it something he wants done to him or is it something he wants to do who someone else? Is there any mild version of his fetish which you would be willing to explore together? Are you willing to allow him to enjoy movies or erotic stories of his fetish as long as he doesn't act on them? Do you have desires you have not shared with him? It isn't likely that the desires will go away even with counselling, but that is always an option.
some people have fantasy life and real life. that s all there is to it. guys are visual and women are emotional. guys can visualize something he saw earlier and it helps get them off. girls need the emotional feeling. by making a big deal of it, it can hurt your situation.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I really recommend you see the counselor with your husband. You can have sessions together and also have sessions separately. Like I said, your husband may not even know why he has this fetish and counseling can help him figure all of this out.
I feel just awful for you. I'm married myself and if I found out my husband had a secret life I would be devastated too.
I do wish I knew much more about these kinds of fetishes. I think some people like the idea of having a secret, or maybe it's an escape from stress.
I do hope you will see the counselor because this may help you save your marriage.
I feel just awful for you. I'm married myself and if I found out my husband had a secret life I would be devastated too.
I do wish I knew much more about these kinds of fetishes. I think some people like the idea of having a secret, or maybe it's an escape from stress.
I do hope you will see the counselor because this may help you save your marriage.
He called a counselor today to make an appointment but wants the both of us to go together. I know he desperately wants to "fix" us but I am so hurt and in shock.. I don't know if I want us fixed? I am struggling so bad!! I have friends who tell me to pray.. What do I pray for? Strength to forgive or strength to walk away? This is my 2nd marriage.. the first, I was young & dumb and was treated horribly.. this was supposed to be it for me.. this is SO out of character for my husband! I think that is what frightens me the most.. how could THIS man be obsessed with this stuff???
Whether with him or alone, I definitely need someone to help me through this.. I just want to stop crying! I am a very strong person but this has cut me off at the knees :'(
Whether with him or alone, I definitely need someone to help me through this.. I just want to stop crying! I am a very strong person but this has cut me off at the knees :'(
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm really glad the two of you talked. I think your husband is right about never acting on any of this. Like I said, many people have fetishes and never act on them. People can have these fetishes for so many different reasons and they themselves may not understand why.
I'm so glad you found this site too. No one is going to judge and we will be here to help and support you through this.
Can you think about giving the counselor a try? Even if your marriage can't be saved it will be a good thing for you to do for yourself.
I'm so glad you found this site too. No one is going to judge and we will be here to help and support you through this.
Can you think about giving the counselor a try? Even if your marriage can't be saved it will be a good thing for you to do for yourself.
Yes, we talked, rational for the first time last night. He says he never has acted on them and never wants to but I find that very hard to believe.. his obsession with this goes beyond anything I imagined!! Downloading and hoard 100's of thousands of videos, images, etc. and keeping them? I don't usually consider myself a prude but this stuff just is so far out of my realm of thinking.. He wants to see a counselor but honestly.. and I am sure this addiction has something to do with it.. he's been lacking in so many areas of being a husband over the last few years that this on top of it all.. I don't know if I have another chance in me :( I am so very broken right now. Betrayed, embarrassed, shocked, heart broken.. the list could go on. I am so very thankful that I stumbled upon this site and can't talk about it out load.. not something I have done with family and friends. I just can't yet.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Have you and your husband been able to sit down and talk about all of this in a rational way yet? I know you must be devastated because you've had no idea all of these years.
I highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor. It can help you understand why your husband is in to all of this. Maybe he doesn't even know why yet.
This must be shocking and you must have so many questions but some people have these secrets and never act on them. What I'm saying is your husband enjoys looking at these but he may never have acted them out with anyone and never intends to.I understand that doesn't make you feel any better. I just wanted to tell you this because I've dealt with many people who have fetishes and never act them out with anyone.
I highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor. It can help you understand why your husband is in to all of this. Maybe he doesn't even know why yet.
This must be shocking and you must have so many questions but some people have these secrets and never act on them. What I'm saying is your husband enjoys looking at these but he may never have acted them out with anyone and never intends to.I understand that doesn't make you feel any better. I just wanted to tell you this because I've dealt with many people who have fetishes and never act them out with anyone.
We had a great sex life, so I thought.. BDSM is nothing that I have any intention to participate in. This type of porn addiction is ruining our marriage.. perhaps I need to realize I do not know my husband as I thought I had. I do understand many people participate in BDSM and that's fine.. whatever floats your boat but it is NOTHING I want as part of my life.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Before replying you I saw the above videos. I think they are good and informative .I understand the sex is a sacred subject between husband and wife. If they can utilize in a proper manner, they can have a better life and better health.Sexually well adjusted couple lives longer.To change your husband's sexual attitude, you will have to work hard. there are good website for almost all types of abbe rations.Taking help of sex therapist is the ideal way out.Taking such help would mean a modern approach to the problem.
I am sure once he knows real sex , he will forget all fetish ways.Researching, exercises, breathing,meditaion are the means to correct sexual problems.
I am sure once he knows real sex , he will forget all fetish ways.Researching, exercises, breathing,meditaion are the means to correct sexual problems.
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