1st off let me just say that this is a very embarrassing topic for me. I've been holding this frustration in for too long and if I dont vent I'm going to explode:
Lord knows I love my mother and Id tell her anything under the sun..but lets be honest do you really feel comfortable talking to your mom about your sex life with your husband. Ive tried to bring it up to her but I change my mind at the last minute. Its hard talking to my cousins and my friends about it b/c I dont want to embarrass him nor do I really want them in our business like that.
Chancellor was a planned pregnancy. We bought the ovulation kit waited for it to peak and got pregnant on the 1st try. After the 1st OB apptmnt doc told hubby that sex is ok as long as there are no complications. We got pregnant Sept 24th 2007 (remember it like it was yesterday). Both of our bdays are n Oct. we made love then....after that things STOPPED. Not slowed down, but stopped. He was so worried about the pregnancy that I just gave up and went the rest of the 8mnths cold turkey.
In all that time I thought about the course of our relationship and courtship. We stayed friends a long time before I even looked at him as someone who I could be interested in. When we did began to date we had a wonderful friendship and longing for eachother. You ladies probably wont believe me when I say this, but the 1st time I made love to my husband we were engaged and I had a ring on my finger. I just thought I had one of the last nice guys left in the world, and he could lay in the same bed with me and not lay a hand on me and Id feel safe.
A bit of personal information on myself: when my husband met me I was an exotic dancer (no shame in that by the way) he'd come to my job to see me all the time but I NEVER danced for him. He was always that 1 customer who wanted to talk so I grew to have respect for him.
By the time we were engaged going through our pre-marital counseling the pastor asked us to not make sex part of our immediate lives and thrive off the things that made us decide to get married from the get go. Needless to say the 8mnths we spent planning the wedding were sex FREE. This was harder for me then it was for him...yet I never put the pieces together. I should have saw the signs then.
After Chance was born in June 08 tubes were tied in July...hell a week later I was ready to get the bedroom popping. Sh*t it had been long enough and at this point I NEEDED my husband. Ladies he couldnt perform. Now I'm thinking its me. I feel rejected and hurt and I was blaming me thinking it was the 13lbs that stuck around after the baby came and now he must not be attracted to me anymore. Truth is im still in a size 11 in the JUNIORS section.
Now the baby is 9mnths old and nothing has happened. Ive tried every FREAKY trick in the book and nothing! Ive even pulled out my old dancer bag threw on some customs, lit some candles, got baby-oiled up, put my thigh-hi boots on...hell I looked so good I wanted to touch myself (SMILE)...still he didnt.
So I asked, baby; do you need to visit the doctor. He embarrassingly said yes. OK, girls I didnt make a big deal out of it b/c these things happen. He's 40 its time for his prostate to be checked, maybe his blood pressure is high. I'm making several excuses for him so I dont feel so terrible.
Long story short. Ive made 3 apptmnts for him and he's neglected to go to all of them. Now its no longer an option, he has to go or he has to move out. Theres a 10yr age difference in us Im 29 he's 39. I dont know whats happening to us.
Ive started communicating with my ex (dont jump my sh*t ladies, I know I'm wrong) and this is a man who I have deep feelings for and an even deeper attraction to. The thought has crossed my mind to spend 1NIGHT with this man just so I can have AMY taken care of. I cant do it tho! I love my husband I just think right now he's being a selfish a**hole and he's pushing me into a corner thats going to hurt our marriage, and we may not be able to recover.
Ladies Ive screamed at him, cried WITH him, begged him, talked to him...how do I get my man to see that his pride is about to push me right out the door?? Even been to the "grown-up" store to get some special needs items but its not the same as having your man show you what you mean to him. To tell you guys the truth it hurts! I'm crying as I'm typing this b/c in my lap lay my cellphone with a text message from the EX saying "he'll never know."
Has any1 been here before?
How do I save my marraige without compromising my womanhood?
Trying hard to be that "Praying Wife", while temptation haunts me!
Sorry its sooo long!
Oh wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine how stressful this must be for you, and the strain it must be putting on your marriage. I know you already know this, but I am going to gently remind you...please don't cheat. One night of pleasure, but guaranteed you will feel horrible afterwords. That kind of guilt could really eat you alive. And if he finds out, well, he will feel the same level of rejection you feel now. It could very well mean the end of the marriage. It doesn't sound to me like that's what you want.
Is there anyone besides you that he is close enough to confide in? Could you talk to them, and maybe have them talk to him? It must be horrible for him, and chances are he is feeling less then "manly", know what I mean? It might be a tough subject to talk to you about for him. I mean, whether it's a medical issue, or a physcological one, he is probably seriously embarrassed.
Have you tried writing him a letter? Sometimes when DH and I are having trouble communicating, that has worked for us. It's easier to not get caught up in emotion and for me anyway, sometimes easier to express myself. It might be a good way to tell him that you are pushing him on this because you love him, and that he is not any less a man, know what I mean? That you will support him through this, but that he needs to take that first step. Offer to go to the Dr. with him. He must be incredible embarrassed. It's just easier sometimes to write it down.
Other than that, perhaps you could see a counsellor or a Dr. on your own. Let him/her know what is happening, and perhaps they could give you some professional advice on how to help him through this.
I hope this turns out ok for you. Take good care, and vent anytime!!!
Hi! I'm also sorry to hear you're going through this. I need to echo what adgal said..."please don't cheat" it's never a win-win situation. You may think you need the immediate gratification, but man, is there a price to pay! Men are mysterious creatures. Once you thnk they are so simple and unobstructed, they come out of nowhere with another puzzle. I could imagine how frustrated you feel...to want your man, to feel passionate, to be touched, and absolutely no response being reciprocated. I would feel rejected, and terribly insulted. But, don't do anything to jeopardize your relationship. Communication and time is key. I have heard of similar situations like yours before...some men feel differently towards their partners once the woman has had a baby. The whole baby experience to them is to put it mildly "gross". They have an image of you before pregnancy, of sexy, uninhibited, "all theirs"...then you become pregnant, and your body changes, your priorities change, they may even see the birth itself, and to alot of men it's a major turnoff, images stick in their minds and remain far after....they may even start to look at you as their Mother and not their wife or lover. Causing them a great deal of confusion between sex and love..maybe I'm digging too deep, but it does happen. I do think counseling at this point may be an excellent option (if he will go). This is something that he needs to see and figure out for himself, from someone on the outside, like a counselor, doctor, etc. Do not give up hope with him. You are only reacting humanly, wanting to be close and intimate with your husband, and in turn not receiving the same. Please openly communicate with him, express how he is hurting you, and making you feel unappreciated. See if he is open to counseling, or seeing a doctor, if not...STILL do not cheat. This may or may not get fixed, but don't let it be YOU that breaks up the marriage. Please keep us posted, and good luck to you!
While I agree with what Pam is saying...since you said there were some "mismatched libido" issues prior to the baby, I'm thinking that maybe the "Madonna complex" isn't his issue. He obviously has some hang-ups, and needs to see a doctor and a counselor. However, you can't force him, as you know. The only person you can change is you. So, if I were you, I'd go ahead and see a counselor on my own. A good counselor can make a huge difference.
I agree with the other ladies...cheating is never a solution. Although I do completely understand your need for sexual release and physical connection with a man. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, too...luckily, he understands that and we've managed to meet somewhere in the middle. I admire your ability to go THIS long without making love! But, no one should have to feel like they're being deprived!
It sounds like you've done all the right things as far as communicating your needs and concerns to your husband...at this point, the ball is in his court. Does he understand you're on the verge of leaving him over this? Anyway...again...I would go ahead and see a counselor about it just so you might get some new ideas. Good luck - I wish you the best!
You ladies are right...I need to get the ex out of my life. We've always had a great relationship but I ended it with him b/c I had my two boys already which he loved dearly but he didnt have any kids and was so into his frat I felt like that was more important to him than being saddled with a "ready-made" family so I moved out of the house we shared and left him...honestly Ive always regretted it, but even to this day hes still a Kappa to his heart so I know me letting him do his own thing was the best.
My husband has always been that friend hanging in the back ground waiting for his shot at love with me. He saw me through two, two yr relationships but he never dogged either guy he just played his position and as soon as I ended my last relationship he was at my house and he never left. He started proposing 3mnths in but I didnt except until the 7th mnth. In all that time we werent having sex he didnt even ask. Should that have been a sign? His 1st wife cheated and thats why he divorced her, but now from conversations Ive had with her the bits and pieces fit together. His performance issues started WAY before me.
Could it have been the fact that him seeing me on stage wearing my "entertainer's hat" was the real thing that turned him on about me?
He's a over the road truck driver so I'm sure he does maturbate on his own but he will never admit that to me. I'll be honest it's been times I've asked him late a night for intimacy and he would say "Oh baby I dont feel well" so I'd roll over go to my drawer with my goodies and do my own thing. At 1st he used to watch and I could tell he was getting turned on and as soon as it would get up it would go back down again. Now I'm so tired of that b/c it's not the same as having him kiss me and whisper to me that I dont even do it anymore.
I've sat on the side of the bed and cried in the middle of the night and he would wake up know why I'm crying and just hold me and cry with me. He'd promise to go look into getting viagra or whatever drug the dr recommends but every apptmnt he's missed.
We'll be hanging out and he's had guys walk up to him and say hey man I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful lady (black men and booties; go figure) but all & all it made me feel good. He'll say thank you hold my hand real tight; we'll have a great day and that night I think I'm about to get some and boom NOTHING.
Hmmm, well after hearing that, I'm convinced it is more of a performance (or lack thereof) issue with your man. Which only he will have to make the effort to see probably a sex therapist willingly. You sound like a very passionate, beautiful and sexy "Black" : ) lady....any man would love to be with. There's no doubt your husband loves you, and wants to be with you. I guess as impossible as it seems, there are men out there that just aren't very sexual. But this can be fixed with a good therapist, and maybe a boost or two from viagra. Hang in there...let us know when you get lucky!! : O
I had to pick the boys up from school, fix dinner, get the boys ready for bed....and meditate before I lose my damn mind!
Now where was I oh...the honesty.
Before the baby, when the decline in our sex life began he used to feel so horrible about it that he would give me permission to go to the ex as long as I didnt do it behind his back. So one day I took him up on his offer. He was in TN (we live in GA) and I let him know that I invited the ex over and would that be cool with him since Im not sneaking around. At 1st he was real hesitant but finally he said cool, just make sure we use protection. Ladies I'll admit I was scared to DEATH and left a note in my wallet if I die under any circumstances the hubby did it :)~
But I needed to be with the ex so bad that it turned into an all nighter. Hubby made it home while we were in the bedroom doing our thing (kids were out of town before anyone calls social services!) actually walked in but closed the door and went to the other room. I pretended as though I didnt know he was home because I didnt want to face him because at that moment I was feeling like a **** (a very satisfied ****) but a nasty hooker all the same. The ex fell asleep and I got up to get a drink and heard water running in the bathroom. I walked in and hubby was sitting on the floor with an empty Patron bottle crying his heart out. Oh my God girls this broke my heart. All he could say was "I said you could". I had to clean my man up and put him in one of the kids beds but I couldnt throw the ex out b/c he was drunk too. So I just climbed in the bed with hubby and held him and promised him I would never let it happen again. He just told me that he knows that I'm a young woman and has needs and hes secure about his manhood but he's disappointed that he's not able to give me what I need.
Yes we've had the gay talk b/c after all this is the A.T.L. and there are so many undercover brothers here that its dangerous. Ive even tried to sneak my finger "there" and almost got the sh*t knocked out of me. He's a true man to his heart but he's prideful, and that pride is hurting us.
Back to the story:
Later that night I was just sitting on the side of the bed with hubby sleeping half drunk b/c I opened the other bottle of Patron. The ex tip-toed in and gave me a head nod to come on back; so not being of sound mind and guilty conscience I went back in the room with him and while he was doing his "downtown" thing in walks hubby. I look up and he's just standing there. At this point my eyes are glued on him, the ex acknowledges him but keeps going. We have a love seat in the master bedroom so hubby just sits down and eyes still havent moved. I was so uncomfortable that the ex stopped and said "you see your man, I see your man....he sees that you're over here being taken care of so why are you so scared. I want you to put your eyes on me and done take them off." DAMN!
I asked hubby did he want to join in at 1st he was going to then he was like "no this is your night so I'll let you have your night". He just sat there and watched. The next morning I fixed breakfast we all ate I walked the ex to his car and told him it could NEVER happen again. He just said I'll never stop loving you or wishing that you were mine and drove away.
Till this day...hubby and I have NEVER talked about this night again.
I recently asked him, does he need a night that's all about him? I'm not like him tho, Im not about to let another woman have my man and not join in the mix, but hey to each its own. He just looked me in the eye and said I dont want nobody but you and baby I promise as soon as I have a day off I will go get the meds I need and I will make it up to you.
My gripe is, he took off for Superbowl, he'll take off for a good Falcons game, his Sigma brothers come into town he'll schedule time off for them...but he hasnt penciled in a Dr's appt to save his marriage.
Now look Heffas...Ive told you some very private and freaky information. Hopefully this has answered any questions as to the lengths I've gone to please him and please me. But since he claims to want me and this family so bad what do I do? Do I call the ex back over so he sees that I'm not joking?
I hope no one is offended by this Grown up talk and no I'm not offended by any of your questions. These are questions Ive asked him and asked myself. I came to you guys out of a need and a longing for answers. Sh*t after all we're grown folks, and grown folks do grown things! Watch out now! Plus Ive been around here since 07 and any of you that know me know humor is like 2nd nature 2 me so tho I'm joking through-out this thread my situation is real so are my feelings....thanks ladies!
I don't get it!! I seems odd behavior from a man. You can be guaranteed for sure it's not your size and 13 pounds really isn't that noticeable. I feel terrible for you that you are going through this.
Something must have happened in his head...God knows what. I assume that your sex life was fine before all of this. Sometimes there is a chemical balance which causes decreased libido or even medications....I know some anti-depressants cause decreased libido.
The experts say, "Psychologic factors, such as depression, anxiety, and relationship problems, are often the cause."
But there are other factors as well...such as decreased testosterone.
What does he say when you discuss this issue with him???
Maybe you could try couples counseling if it isn't medical related.
Wow. First off, no judgement here, but I know you already know that about me. I believe that as long as every on is of age and willing, it's all ok, even if it's not my thing. But in all honesty, I truly think you and he need to get some counselling. I have heard of fetish's where some men preferred to watch then participate, and like I said, I don't judge. However, if this is what he needs, or if there is something else going on, you guys need to get it out in the open so that you can decide if you are prepared to live that way. Honesty is the only way through this. I have always told DH that he can tell me anything. I would rather know the truth up front, then I can decide if it's a workable situation for me. But holding in all these feelings of resentment, hurt and rejection are going to come out...either through communication or you will just blow up. I know I would. And for DH's happiness as well, he needs to communicate his needs. I just don't see you two being able to work forward unless he gets very honest with you. Would he be willing to see a counsellor?
Another thought for you...if someone does get offended by this it could get deleted by the moderators, being that it's a pregnancy forum...could we move the discussion to your journal?
Take good care ok, and I admire your honesty. If you do move this to your journal, I will be following and offering support where I can.
I've asked him about counseling, but like I said above he's prideful and embarrassed and that man aint going to talk to anyone about why his man man aint rising to the occasion! I actually packed a bag one night for me and the kids and told him I would be at my sister's until I could find us our own place. He took the car keys and hid them got on his knees and begged me not to go. We fought so long and so hard that night that fighting turned into fourplay and just when it was getting good it started going down. He almost punched a whole in the wall. We cried together this night til we were cried out. This was about 2wks ago. He has an appt for this Fri. I told him point blank I'm going, even if I dont come in the room I'm driving him to see MY doc. Ive tried watching movies with him to get him in the mood and the same thing happens it goes up and comes down. Now I dont want to make anybody ill, but the man is packing, so i'm thinking what is the problem...is it not getting enough blood flow down there I mean what is the deal. I'm a very sexual person and am willing to try anything (within means) as long as we're doing it together out of love to better the marriage. He's asked me to be with a girl for him, but i dont know if I can handle that. He said he just wants to watch and maybe that will get him going. Like I said I think me working in the club when we 1st met has placed this idea in his head that his wife is suppose to be Ms. Dyme Piece when she comes to bed everynight, instead of the sweat pants head-rag pimple cream wearing mother of three that I am. I thought he wanted the young lady with the glass bottom heels on to retire, but I will bring her back out if I have to!
Since this is a very grown up convo I think I will move this to my journal. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone. We know how sensitive "we" get on Medhelp sometimes (smile)! We can continue to talk here, but if this does get deleted I will add it to my journal to get continued help and support.
Your story is my life story lol.
To make a long story short...
My EX husband was the same way.
We waited forever to make love for the first time. He rarely touched me. After we were married it stopped. I managed to get him to go with me to see a psychologist because in the 15 years that we were together, we made love......17 times!!!!!
The psychologist came right out and asked him if he was gay, etc.
I thought that maybe it was because he had watched the kids being born,etc.
Turned out that there were 3 reasons...
1) He was a workoholic
2) He felt guilty for various reasons...gambling,not spending time with us, etc.
3) Because he liked dark-skinned women....I was too "light" for him. I'm olive.
I have no idea how I ever became pregnant from that man. lol
My new hubby was a sex fiend...until the 5th month of this pregnancy that is...then he started to get the "new daddy fears". It took a few weeks to help him through that, and just when I thought it was going to start getting better...boom!...the ob/gyn said "no more sex" UGH!!!! lol
So I totally feel for ya, and I can understand your frustration.
He made it in off the road and got home around 2am. After he took his shower and came to bed I got up and went in the guestroom and got in the bed. He immediately followed me into the room and grabbed my hand and said "oh no we're not doing this thing where we sleep apart; we already speed too many nights like that with me being on the road." So he made me come back to bed and he was like dont you even want to know why I'm home a day early, and I said truthfully NO. I'll admit girls I was being a real b*tch but when frustrations build up how do you turn them off.
He told me to get my sis-n-law to watch the baby Fri b/c he's keeping the doc appt for that morning and he needs me to go with him and bring the convo up to the doc. He said he's rehearsed several times in his mind how to say it but he just cant.
He begged me not to let this be the 1 thing to destroy us b/c we've fought through so many factors to be able to have the OPEN & HONEST relationship that we do. He said he doesnt know any female who would tell her hubby she's on the verge of cheating b/c she's not being satisfied at home, nor does he know any man that would think about letting her do it, just to make her happy.
I love that boy so much and I know he loves me. He allows me to stay home w/ the kids while he stays gone for days and weeks at a time to keep a roof over our heads and give us the basics that we need. Everything else is xtra and just proves that he wants me to have the best. We truly cant afford this home, the big screens, the nice furniture all the frivalous things that at the end of the day dont mean nothing if our home is not running b/c we're at war.
I told him I feel betrayed b/c it's taken this long for him to see the pain in my face or understand the rejection when he climbs in the bed and turns his back to me. What I never knew was while i was crying my own tears he was busy crying his.
We talk, we laugh, we fuss then five mins later I have my head on his lap talking about something else. I want this man and this marriage. I dont want SEX to be the thing that blocks us from lasting, but at the same time Im 29yrs old and I dont want the best years of my life to be regretful ones b/c that 1 thing was lacking. I'll even sneak in the shower while he's in there and climb in just to be close to him. He loves it, but again nothing ever happens.
I pray that Fri brings a change. I tried to apologize for even thinking about going outside of our vows but we wouldnt let me. He told me Baby it's been over a yr and if the situation was reversed I dont know if I would have lasted that long, so if there are any owed apologies its from me to you. We agreed that once the problem is corrected I would releave the EX of his pending duties, but I told him I'll do one better than that I'll releave him now....here goes wish me luck ladies!
Oh, that's so great...I mean, at least it sounds like he's making progress. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow (not in a kinky way...ha ha)...sending positive thoughts your way, girl. I really, truly hope you two can get help. You seem like such a great gal, and I admire your honesty here *and with your husband.
Anyway...keeping my fingers crossed for a GREAT Friday for you!
OMG, girl...you crack me up. I would LOVE to meet you in person...lol.
Anyway...I'll be checking back in a few to get your update. I'm very interested! And, trust me...no judgment here. I've done some things in my past that I'm not real proud of, too...things that would make Dr. Ruth blush...lol. But, you know what? Those things and experiences made us who we are today - and I think my past experiences have made me so much more appreciative of what I have now.
Prayerful Wife: I'm all about listening and offering my 2 cents in regards to your situation...but, as adgal suggested earlier...can we please move this to your journal? I'm not offended at all, nor do I judge you, but as you mentioned someone else is or was, therefore I just need to politely remind you to just continue and keep on discussing whatever you desire...but just do so on your personal journal. Ok?? Tricia is anxciously awaiting to hear more and so am I... : ) Please do not respond or comment to this thread any further...let's just move it to the journal...ok??
LOL LOL LOL....I just re-read my post and it is very funny. I dont get it, I'm always uplifting and respectful to others, and if I read something that doesnt apply to me, I dont agree with, or I cant give correct info about I dont respond to the thread point blank...
Ask any of the ladies who's been a member of this forum as long as I have; I'm the most fun loving comical person here (when the situation warrents it) but hey to each HER own!
******The Doctor's Visit*******
I could tell when he got up he was extra nervous b/c he was quiet and pacing the house but I just let me have his moment. When he walked in as soon as we got comfortable in the chair they called him back (yall know that doesnt happen very often) so he looked at me like are you coming.
The doc came in and was friendly from the start and asked so whats going on today. Hubby just hung his head and looked at me like this is your chance to speak on my behalf. I said well doc we're, I mean he's experiencing some performance issues and its been going on for a long time. So the doc asked him his age and said well you know the 1st thing we're going to do right??? I just started laughing b/c I already knew he was about to be violated in ways he couldnt imagine. So I stepped out the room and needless to say when I am back he was looking very annoyed. He said see what I have to go thru for love? The doc explained that his prostate did feel a little enlarged but that could be b/c of uneven hormone levels. He said that he would try him on viagra just yet b/c its such an invasive drug and once most men start it they have to continue to use it for erectile function. He believes his testosterone levels are WAY down and have been for some time. Hopefully by Tues we'll have the results back to know if he'll need hormone theropy or if he does actually need the viagra. The doc was so funny he said I'll step out the room and let you get him aroused and we'll see how long it takes and how long he can hold the erection.
I thought the man was joking....he wasnt. Once hubby's friend woke up the doc came back in and was examining it, so it started to immediately. The doc asked what happened....hubby said it's another grown a** man touching me what do you think is wrong. We just all bust out laughing. Then doc turned to me and said what method did you use...I looked at him out the corner of my eye and he said just kidding. But what ever you did just do that tonight b/c it didnt take him anytime.
When he walked out that office and got in the car we laughed like we havent laughed in a long time abt this issue. I know the 1st 5mins of the car ride was none stop giggling. Hubby said I think something was a lil strange with that doc; I think he enjoyed that visit a little too much.
But at least we now have a starting place to get some answers, and I'm grateful to all of you ladies for your help advice and support!
The ex isnt too happy about the talk I had with him lastnight about removing the thought of us being intimate ever again, but he understands I did it for my marriage and agreed to back off so hubby and I can have time to heal!
I didn't think I was a prude; but apparently I am.
I personally agree that this is private journal material, unsuitable on an open forum where minors can easily access what amounts to pornographic descriptions of a couples intimate acts.
While this community says 35+, we all know that nothing prevents children from searching and finding material such as this. It is inappropriate material for this community on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.
Prayerful wife, you are also violating your husbands medical information and privacy. Do you think it is inappropriate to expose these personal and sensitive issues for the world to read about?
Sure it's okay to disagree. *I disagree with *you. If you believe this is pornographic, then apparently you've never actually *read* a pornographic story. The woman was baring her soul because she was wit's end. I can only imagine her frustration - I hope I never have to experience it. What happened with the ex was wrong, and she admits that. She knows she made a mistake. Have you ever made a mistake?
And yes, minors can read this forum. But, honestly, I'd be more concerned about my pre-teen going onto the drug addiction forum on MedHelp and reading THOSE posts. They are much more dangerous, IMO, than an honest and open discussion about some of the bad turns a relationship can take.
Ditto, well put. My stomach turned reading this...I wish I had not, for sure.
OP-I can offer no advice. It would only come out as judgement, which is something I am sure you are not looking for. But, Yes, this should be something kept private and not exposed to the world, IMO. Best of luck in your marriage. I can honestly see WHY your husband is having issues after reading enough of this...
Sorry, I read the Dr's visit part, and I looked at your profile. You seem to have a lovely family and you are a beautiful lady. I really don't agree with the fact that you cheated, but that is beside the point. I hope you are able to work out your marriage, really. I would think the whole cheating thing would be hard to get past, but it is your marriage you are working on, so good luck.
I have to agree (and no one throw stuff at me please!), I know this is an adult forum, but I do feel too many details were provided. Something to think about for the future. Best wishes.
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