No sex at all

I am 24 I saved myself for marriage despite having a great deal of interest in sex. I was married when I was 21 to a man I am very in love with but im am at a loss because he refuses to have sex with me. He stopped kissing me on the mouth before we were even married but I believed his excuses. Our honeymoon was normal and the sex was good, we were both virgins when we married. But as soon as we returned home it stopped. I would try and seduce him and he just wasn't interested in me. I tried everything, asking him what was wrong it wasn't until a few months later that I guessed he had been abused as a child. He wouldn't open up about it and had I not guessed I still wouldn't know. All I could get out of him was that he was raped by a man when he was in school and that he had never told anyone because the guy said he would kill him if he did.
I myself had been abused as a child so I understand how that feels but I cant understand why having sex with me, or being intimate with me reminds him of what happened. I have suffered three years of a sexless marriage hoping that if I gave him time and space things would change.
After my abuse I had never though of sex as being wrong or dirty but now that Im married thats exactly how im made to feel like my feelings are disgusting and wrong. I actually feel guilty when I want sex. Im feel so broken I cant even watch sex scenes on tv without feeling depressed. I dont know what to do. I have no doubt that he loves me, he tells me everyday. At night he cuddles with me for hours. But that is the limit of our intimacy. I have no one to talk to about this, I am far to ashamed to admit it and if he knew I had told someone i think it would kill him.
Ive been coping as best I can but then this morning I found that the box of condoms I keep just in case had been emptied. I confronted him about it and he eventually confessed to throwing them out. I had to guess that thats what had happened before I said it he just kept saying he had no idea. So the very thought of possibly having sex with me repulses him so much that the thought that it might happen is to much.
What do I do, he refuses to talk about it, refuses to see a doctor or a therapist. Im getting to stage where I wish I hadn't married him, my religion doesn't believe in divorce unless there is fornication, so that's never going to happen. Sometimes I wish i just wouldn't wake up in the morning and not have to feel this way please help me.
Sorry for the long message but I just needed to get it all out.

[Mistakeguy789]

One of the big things when dealing with someone who has been abused sexually is that each person is different.  This is a sensitive issue and honestly I don't think nor do I really care what anyone may have to say that doesn't support this but a professional NEEDS to get involved.  

I know he won't see one and honestly you need to sit down and have a very deep heart to heart converstation with him.  My thought would be to set up an appointment with a specialised thearpist who deals with such problems as a matter of common practice. Not just a LPC or something like that.  I would go to an actual pyschologist.  This needs more help than our little forum can do and it is a major sensetive issue.  You have to remember each brain is different.  Setup the appointment and the day before very calmly explain that you scheduled an appointment for a professional to help so that the marriage can continue on a path of happiness for both people and help him get over the sexual issues.  If he is still resistant be firm but also be understanding.  Remember to ALWAYS be loving when discussing this and caring (which I am sure you are).  Continue to be understanding this is not something that is easy to get over.  The other thing he may want to look at outside of this being a cause is his hormone levels to see if its related to hormones.  Given the state her you stated I really feel that going the professional route is the best.  

I am not sure what relgion you are.  If you are catholic I would be curious to know.  While you don't have to disclose this information the reason I suggest this is to also know if you have Sirius radio.  If you are catholic and have sirius (and really even if you don't you can still call and ask a question I am sure you just won't hear yourself on the radio) you can call in late at night they have a show that is Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcheck (misspell last name I am sure) that is an actual Psychology PH.D and may have some great advice for you to follow and they work with members of the catholic church.  Another GREAT resource for you if you wish.  

I hope this helps and please please remember that you married your husband not for the sex but for the love and those vows are very serious in the eyes of God.  

[natbutterflyblue]

Thank you so much for replying Ive really needed some outside opinions. I agree fully to everything you have said I have tried repeatedly to get him to see someone but he is adamant it wont make any difference and therefore refuses to go. I'm also scared of trying to push him to go again because the few times I have tried he forces himself to have sex with me because he feels bad but that's worse than no sex. I cant say no because he is making an effort but when he forces himself I feel like Ive just raped him.

It really seems like an impossible situation, I love him more than i ever could have imagined loving another person and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I don't think its the physical side of sex that I want but that deep emotional connection and intimacy.
I am a christian not catholic but i might look into that program anyway, I know I would never look outside of the marriage or anything like that but i defiantly need to find a way of coping better. Honestly I thought I was coping well before this morning but I know Ive been pushing my feeling down rather than truly being at peace with them. Thank you again for replying i feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by sharing my secret with someone else.
Thankyou

[Des_a_rae]

Hi,
   I'm so sorry you're having to go through something so painful. To want to help but not really sure of what to do.  
  
  I was molested from the ages of 12 until I was 16.  It made me feel nasty, worthless, ugly, fat and it made me feel like no man would ever like me much less love me. I went through a huge depression. Lost alot of weight and I became a "cutter".  I never wanted any help. I thought I was stronger than that. Strong enough to deal with it and get over it on my own. I thought I was strong enough until the day I tried to kill myself. I thought I was better off by not being here or everyone else was better off if I wasn't here. I never told anyone up until that point. All I could think about was my little brother, my little sister and my family. I was 19 at this time. So it took me about 3 years after the molestation ended to tell someone. I told a guy..who at the time was my friend. Long story short he wound up being the man I married. I've never loved someone so much and he changed me.  He showed me that I was beautiful and worth loving. Sure he gave me my time and I would talk. Not all of it at once but in time I got everything out and felt so much better.  I never saw a psychologists but I did seek help elsewhere and it was in this man, my husband. I think you can help your husband but somehow..someway he has to open up. Sure he might need the help of a psychologists and Mistakeguy is right, we are all different and we all heal in different ways. It made me bitter for a long time. I was angry all the time. Angry at myself because I blamed myself. This man who molested me he broke my spirit. I never thought I'd get it back but I did. I know you love him and you want to help. Maybe before mentioning a psychologists you might want to see one to help you. Help you understand and help you in helping him. I sure hope all this works out for you.  Definitely wishing you well.  Take Care!

[Mistakeguy789]

Des_a_rae what a very deep and touching story.  Sadly I don't understand why people do this.  I understand they are mentally sick but ugh.  I am glad you have found true love.  It is rare we see love like yours out there.

natbutterflyblue

Look into the program anyway.  Catholic channel is great and I am a christian myself.  I like listening to it when I can since SIrius doesn't have a real religious channel and it sometimes beats the Funny channels.  I can only take blue collar comedy jokes over so many times (2 years listening and they haven't changed much in that time).  


LIke des_a_rae said some people feel they can deal with it on their own.  He maybe feeling this way.  In all honesty him being male it is very hard for us to ask for help.  Think of this when a marriage is getting close to ending who is the person that at the end wants to go to counseling?  Typically its the guy.  But before the end typically its the woman trying to get the husband to go to counseling.  Males are brought up to be "strong" and to be a rock not showing any sign of weakness in our armor.  But the reality is we are human.  I can tell you a personal story of myself.

When I was a young kid I moved form my parents house.  My parents moved me in with my family in a different city.  My Dad and Mom told me they didn't want me to tell anyone why I was moved out here.  In the course of my living here with my family I went though a full year of different testing (Testing my eplisey and for learning disabilities).  I went to a psychologist.  The first day I went in there I remember what my Dad said.  I put that wall up and nothing came from my lips.  The second day I went in there I broke down and told that man everything.  We didn't leave his office for 2 hours.  I was 12.  

If he doesn't want to go then my advice is not to force him.  Seek a professional yourself and have them help guide you in this.  Sure you don't know why he is like this and why he won't go but talk to them.  See what advice they can help to give you to A) Cope and B) Help him.  Right now you are his helper and on his side and I am sure you want to help him.  

Your marriage foundation is extremely strong and I appluad you for taking the time to be concerned for his sexual health as well.  Sexual contact is one of those things that does show a deeper love for someone (hence why we should wait for marriage).  In this instance his challenge (I don't like the word problem) is that he is battling something that like des_a_rae said makes you feel like crap.  Which you both have in common. Getting him the best help you can is exactly what I feel you are doing here.  If he won't get the help himself you can help him get the help he needs.  Keep your head up.  Feel free to keep posting here and we will help you the best we can.  Take one day at a time.  

[Des_a_rae]

I Agree!  He really needs to be able to deal with this and move on. For himself, for you and for your marriage. I never thought I'd get over it. I caught myself dwelling on it even after I got married. Dwelling on it was almost like reliving it. It's not healthy. Learning how to open up and being able to deal with it is the best thing for anyone. I love my life now. Sure my past is a part of me and always will be but it doesnt' have to be a part of my today, tomorrow or 3 weeks from now. It's not something you'll ever forget. It's always going to be there..but that's okay. As Mistakeguy said I'm so glad you're sticking by him and trying to get the help you need and the help he needs. I've never been in that position, I was on the opposite end and I can say that I'm so grateful to my husband for sticking by me. He never once left me and never once acted like he didn't care. For awhile I would remember things that I must have blocked out. He was there to listen and to hold me when I cried. After that it was okay.  Thank goodness after almost 11 years now I'm terrific. I love where I'm at in my life.  I wish you THAT happyness!  If you need someone to just listen we are here for you. Take Care!

[natbutterflyblue]

Thank you both for sharing your stories with me I know it cant mean much but im very sorry you had to go through that.
I will continue to try and get him to open up to me.
Last night I tried talking to him about it, he broke down in tears and said he has tried so many times to tell me how he feels but its like the words get stuck. He also kept saying that I wouldn't understand and he thinks ill take it the wrong way.
Mistakeguy is so right he has a well fortified wall up so strong that I believe he physically cant talk about what happened. Hes been a sensitive person for as long as Ive known him (we have been friends since we were 13) so I know how terrified he would have been by the threats this man made to him.
I would like your opinions on something he said, he claims that he is quite happy with his life when he doesn't have to think about it. He said that not thinking about sex helps him not think about what happened and if I just left it alone so he can deal with it on his own that would be the best thing rather than trying to talk about it.
Should I just appreciate that I have a loving husband and basically happy marriage and just stop thinking of sex as part of my life. Is leaving his wall up the best thing for him?
I'm confused about this I want to help him no matter what I have to do or not do as it were, I get scared when I do try to talk about it because he just breaks down and cries I'm worried if I push him to deal with his past that it will lead him to self harm. If that ever happened i could never forgive myself.
Your comment are appreciated and its very therapeutic for me to be able to be brutally honest about everything. Thanks again

[Des_a_rae]

Thank you. And I might be wrong about this but you asked our opinion. I think yeah, it's good for him, BUT it's not all about him anymore. He has a loving wife now and a marriage. Do you know how long ago this happened to him? I'm just wondering how long he's been trying to deal with this. I had that wall. That's when I became angry, bitter and people even told me I was mean. Of course they didn't know what was going on but I didn't want to be that angry person.
Those words are going to get stuck. I absolutely HATE to cry. It's hard to talk and explain when you're crying but that's okay. Everyone needs to cry. When I told my husband what had happened I wasn't able to verbally tell him. I couldn't.  I wrote it all down. I had about a 5 page letter but it let me get it all out and not have to verbally say it. Maybe he can do that.  
All that hurt, all that pain on top of all of it being hidden for so long. If I were in your situation I'd go see a psychologists. Talk to them.  It'll not only help you but it'll also help you in helping him.  It's obvious he loves you as you love him. A marriage is 50/50. You can't push him to talk but at least a psychologists can help you better understand and give you ways in helping him. Even though he's holding it all in..it's not healthy for you either. Take Care. :)

[Mistakeguy789]

Again I want to strongly again state that I really feel you need to get with professional.  But aside from this though I will give my opinion.

I agree completely with Des_a_rae.  A marriage no longer is about a single person.  Think of it this way.  Again I use relgious meanings because I know you are relgious so I hope you don't get offended.  A man is to leave his parents and cleeve unto his wife.  In your situation your honeymoon where that sex took place.  You stopped being individuals and became one.  You are now one flesh and one body.

In essence if this happened several years ago he has been trying to deal with it.  One of the things that causes for concern in my mind is he wants to "deal with this on his own".  But then you add statement "the mans threats."  This tells that this person is active in his life.  This then brings the power of fear and intimidation.  The fact he can't "tell you" because he is afraid of what you will think or take it as.  Tells me this is far more greater than he thinks you can handle.  


The words getting stuck can be I believe one of the key elements to his himself not understanding it either.  There likely could be a question of WHY did this happen to me.  He can't explain it to himself so he can't explain it to you.  It also supports if he can't explain it he can't correct this on his own. Regardless I think and it is in your best interest to sit him down with a Ph.D in clinical psychology to have them talk to him.  If he ever brings it up or trys to talk about it tell him you are stronger than he thinks.  

One of the things that helped my ex-wife to open up about a few bad things in her past and life whenever she thought I couldn't handle it or I would think differently of her I would do what I considered the best way to visulaize my strength and that of the marriage.  I would reach over and hold her hand.  I would hold it tighly and firmly.  I would then tell her "This is our Bond.  Our bond can't be broken by anyone or anything.  It is strong.  The bond is not made of any material but made of strength in love, friendship, and a commitment we made to each other. For whatever comes to our bond to try and break it will be met by all the material that makes the bond but also the power of God. "  While it may sound cheesey it shows visually that there is a special connection just as the connection you both wear on your ring finger.  It is a never ending circle of love but this bond is made up of love, friendship, and commitement backed by God.  Saying things I find is powerful but giving someone the words and a visual to them... Is a lot more powerful.  It is I find true what they say that actions speak louder then words.  

I would strongly advise you to seek out the professional yourself and get their guideance on how to help him.  Overall this marriage needs to be happy from both sides.  But you have a duty and an obligation to help your Husband.  You can't and won't be able to do this alone.  You need the expertise of someone who deals with this and you need the strength as a loving wife to support your husband even when he himself can't.  

I hope this helps and I hope he is going to get in for help.  You are doing wonderful keep going down the path to help you both.  The road will be hard sometimes but you are not alone and even when you think you are you truly aren't.

[natbutterflyblue]

I think the letter thing is a great idea, I have mentioned it to him and while he said no at first when I said that if he is willing to get it all out he doesn't have to show me he didnt say yes but he didn't say no ill let him think about it for a few days then get him a journal he can write in. I tried to reassure him that i only want him to be honest with himself about it so that he can be happy.
I believe he is so traumatized by what happened when he was 8 that he has never even aloud himself to think about it but from my personal experience I found that once I was able to think about it I eventually came to accept what had happened as being an awful thing but something that was beyond my control. Once I believed this I was able to start healing. I realize its different for everyone but I agree with you both that he needs to get it out somehow.

Mistake guy, what you said really resonated with me, I need to reassure him I am strong enough and now that I think of it his feelings are probably my fault. Before I knew why he didn't want sex I didn't react well I was emotional all the time and would ask him if he were gay. I wasn't trying to be mean but I did think that perhaps he was and had just tried not to be because he was embarrassed by it. I also thought that he didn't want me because I was ugly and unlovable.
When I did find out the reason I was very upset by the fact that I thought being with me made him think of this other person. I was hurt and not in control of my emotions. So I can understand why he is worried I think it hurt him that I was hurt. But if I reassure him that Im not like that anymore I can cope and not take it personally like I did because I have had more than enough time to process everything .
I also agree that a marriage is 50 50 I had forgotten that, Im so concerned about him that I forget that my happiness is important too if we want a successful relationship. Ill try the letter thing and see what happens. If he is able to write it down maybe it will start him being able to accept it more and start to talk about it. Thanks again for all your advice.

[Des_a_rae]

I just want to say you're such a strong woman. You're definitely in this marriage 100% no matter what. I wish you the best on getting him to write it all down. I think that's a wonderful start. Once he was able to get it all out it's still going to take some time but that's the first step. It's a HUGE step actually. Don't be so hard on yourself. In the beginning you had no idea what was going on. Anyone would have a million questions and begin to question themselves. I would be feeling the same way if my husband didn't seem that attracted to me. It's your right to ask questions. You ARE his wife. You Care, you're going to be concerned.  You both deserve to be happy and have a wonderful marriage. Being able to enjoy your marriage.  Take Care! :)