I have been trying to figure out this problem and the only thing; besides the abuse thing that would come to mind would be on your part to make a statement like...."I have gone along with your preferring to give me oral sex for some time now. Don't you think it's fair that since I prefer intercourse, that maybe we swap off and on. One time doing what you like; then next time do it the way I like". Unless she is very scarred by abuse of some type or is just selfish, or experiences some kind of pain during intercourse; she should go along with being fair and make it a 50/50 affair. After all....you two are married and marriage is a give and take relationship not just do as I want and to hell with what you want. Let her know how you really feel about it. Let her know that you don't think she is being fair. See how she reacts to that. I would be very interested as to what she says or does after you make it known how you truly feel and that you don't think she is being fair.
Thanks for taking the time to read my lengthy question/problem.
To answer your question; yes, some years ago. She did not respond well to it. Too personal I suppose. She would not go back and seems to feel there is no problem. I'll just keep telling her she is a beautiful lady and that I want 'her'. What else can I do?
How does she react when you suggest couples therapy?
I have asked her some time ago about abuse, and she and I have a fairly honest relationship. Her reply was; "No". I still had cause to suspect abuse, perhaps in her childhood, but decided to just take her answer and let it be easier on her. I didn't think it would necessarily help her if I dug into her personal life, so I dropped the subject. Some years ago, as I got to know her history, I suspected abuse again. I cannot remember the details of exactly why I suspected it, but it did involve this behavioral problem.
I haven't really thought about it much in recent years. Reading your comment this morning I wondered again about abuse in her past. Then, before I could reply to your comment, I went to get a cup of coffee and she stopped me in the kitchen. She went to her knees and started at it. I stopped her. I very gently stopped her. I feel that tenderness is the only way in which I could help her or should treat her, especially if abuse in her younger life may be at the source. I want her to be happy and comfortable so I have let it slide. It is not what all men have it cracked up to be. There is such a thing as "too much'.
I can only hope that showing tenderness will not reinforce whatever abuse that may or may not have taken place. What else can I do? Ask her about abuse again? I'm not so sure about that.
I just wanted to know 'how' abnormal this sort of behavior is actually. I suppose I may never know. I feel guilty about allowing it to go on so long. There is so very much more to a good sexual relationship. I've tried to upload that notion to her. Our sexual relationship is '****-eyed' in my opinion. I have walked on eggshells and broached that very opinion with her, using tenderness, and it did not set well. I just don't think asking her again about abuse is such a good idea.
I think that JohnOarc may have hit the nail on the head or at the very least has asked a very good question. Thanks.
Some men may think I am a nut or wonder about why I would complain. They are entitled to think what they wish as I am and all you people reading this forum. I wish you all the best and thank you for any comments, and for taking the time to read my essay.
Has she ever talked about any type of childhood sexual abuse in her past?