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Sexual fetishism/obsession
Sorry if this gets a little long, but this is a problem that has been affecting me for years, and I'm really at my wit's end. I'm going to start off with some background info... please, if anyone has either experienced sexual addiction firsthand, or as the partner of a sex addict, please read and respond!
My boyfriend and I were each other's first sexual partners and once shared a very healthy (and frequent) sexual relationship. Sexual activity was initiated by the both of us and regardless of who initiated it, the experiences were never one sided. He would often tell me how turned on he was by my physical features (ie my legs) and ask me to dress to accentuate them when we saw each other again. He was always very emotionally supportive and honestly, my very best friend. He initiated sex often and always kept it emotionally intimate; though we tried some new things and certainly had fun, he never touched me without telling me how much he loved me.
I was always extremely cautious about sex and initially did not want to have sex before marriage, for fear of getting too close to someone and later losing them. I've always been pretty reserved and self-conscious, and I guess you can say I have always suffered from self esteem issues. Being with my boyfriend made me completely forget about these insecurities.
After we had been dating for 2.5 years, he was diagnosed with systemic lupus (SLE), which took us both completely by surprise. Two months after this, we both lost our homes to Hurricane Katrina. Our lives were pretty shaken, but we stuck together; we were in college at the time and he actually followed me to a new school in a new city so that we wouldn't have to be apart.
As time passed, some problems began to come up. One day, about three years after we had started dating, he admitted to me that he had a fetish for really large breasts. I am a very small breasted woman, so I was very taken aback by this. However, we were still best friends, still in everything together. I tried to accept this as natural human sexuality and we did not break up. He often brought it up, asking me if I would get breast augmentation, to which I eventually agreed (after the shellshock wore off). Through this time period, our sexual relationship was pretty normal.
Later, he was diagnosed with avascular necrosis of his hip (the bone in the ball of his hip died due to his lupus medications) and had to have a very painful surgery to repair it. It was 6 months before he could even walk again (he'll never run again, and he's always in some pain), so we actually spent much more time together because he needed help. Since then, he's had multiple lupus flareups in which he loses his hair and gets a facial rash. I know that all of this has him depressed and has lowered his own self esteem. Unfortunately, it has also correlated with a strengthening of his fetish obsession. I have since learned that the implants he initially talked me into would need to be much larger than ever imagined. He began spending all of his free time searching for and collecting breast fetish pornography and our relationship has become strained.
However, he still has always asserted that he loves me and wants so bad for it to be me instead of the pornography. Unfortunately, the only way to resolve the situation in his view is for me to undergo a series of breast augmentations to reach a G-H cup breast size. I am unable to do this for him, though I would love to make him happy again. I just can't explain to him that if I were to do such a thing for him, I wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. Unfortunately for me, he is more turned on by the thought of breasts so big that a woman can only exist as a sex object (unable to buy clothing from the mall, unable to work, etc) and he now expresses an interest in me dropping out of graduate school to be a housewife now that he has a career.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm at my wit's end because I feel like he deserves to be happy again. I keep trying to find ways to incorporate his fetish into a normal relationship. I've tried everything from offering to incorporate his pornography into the bedroom, dressing up for his fantasy, etc. Now, it has been over a year since we've had sex. He has since broken up with me because he says that he was never attracted to me since I don't have the one thing he's attracted to. He goes through cycles of guilt and anger with it all, though. Though he broke up with me, he keeps calling me and insisting that he's never stopped loving me, he just doesn't know how to deal with his fetish and doesn't want to hurt me.
I am not angry with him, because I really feel like he has an obsession and he's agreed to try things to help, though he does not believe that anything can help. He feels as if having a woman with unnaturally large breasts will make all of his stress and problems go away. I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle to get back the guy who used to idolize me.
Does anyone have any experience with this sort of sexual obsession, or anything close to it? What do you do when the guy you love suddenly can't be turned on by anything but pornography and excludes you from his sex life entirely?
One more complication worth mentioning is that he has recently been hired to a government agency position which requires him to have a clean bill of health, including psychological. Any help he gets would have to be non-clinical, as all medicines he takes must be prescribed by his appointed agency doctor.
:( it's all really a mess.
My boyfriend and I were each other's first sexual partners and once shared a very healthy (and frequent) sexual relationship. Sexual activity was initiated by the both of us and regardless of who initiated it, the experiences were never one sided. He would often tell me how turned on he was by my physical features (ie my legs) and ask me to dress to accentuate them when we saw each other again. He was always very emotionally supportive and honestly, my very best friend. He initiated sex often and always kept it emotionally intimate; though we tried some new things and certainly had fun, he never touched me without telling me how much he loved me.
I was always extremely cautious about sex and initially did not want to have sex before marriage, for fear of getting too close to someone and later losing them. I've always been pretty reserved and self-conscious, and I guess you can say I have always suffered from self esteem issues. Being with my boyfriend made me completely forget about these insecurities.
After we had been dating for 2.5 years, he was diagnosed with systemic lupus (SLE), which took us both completely by surprise. Two months after this, we both lost our homes to Hurricane Katrina. Our lives were pretty shaken, but we stuck together; we were in college at the time and he actually followed me to a new school in a new city so that we wouldn't have to be apart.
As time passed, some problems began to come up. One day, about three years after we had started dating, he admitted to me that he had a fetish for really large breasts. I am a very small breasted woman, so I was very taken aback by this. However, we were still best friends, still in everything together. I tried to accept this as natural human sexuality and we did not break up. He often brought it up, asking me if I would get breast augmentation, to which I eventually agreed (after the shellshock wore off). Through this time period, our sexual relationship was pretty normal.
Later, he was diagnosed with avascular necrosis of his hip (the bone in the ball of his hip died due to his lupus medications) and had to have a very painful surgery to repair it. It was 6 months before he could even walk again (he'll never run again, and he's always in some pain), so we actually spent much more time together because he needed help. Since then, he's had multiple lupus flareups in which he loses his hair and gets a facial rash. I know that all of this has him depressed and has lowered his own self esteem. Unfortunately, it has also correlated with a strengthening of his fetish obsession. I have since learned that the implants he initially talked me into would need to be much larger than ever imagined. He began spending all of his free time searching for and collecting breast fetish pornography and our relationship has become strained.
However, he still has always asserted that he loves me and wants so bad for it to be me instead of the pornography. Unfortunately, the only way to resolve the situation in his view is for me to undergo a series of breast augmentations to reach a G-H cup breast size. I am unable to do this for him, though I would love to make him happy again. I just can't explain to him that if I were to do such a thing for him, I wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. Unfortunately for me, he is more turned on by the thought of breasts so big that a woman can only exist as a sex object (unable to buy clothing from the mall, unable to work, etc) and he now expresses an interest in me dropping out of graduate school to be a housewife now that he has a career.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm at my wit's end because I feel like he deserves to be happy again. I keep trying to find ways to incorporate his fetish into a normal relationship. I've tried everything from offering to incorporate his pornography into the bedroom, dressing up for his fantasy, etc. Now, it has been over a year since we've had sex. He has since broken up with me because he says that he was never attracted to me since I don't have the one thing he's attracted to. He goes through cycles of guilt and anger with it all, though. Though he broke up with me, he keeps calling me and insisting that he's never stopped loving me, he just doesn't know how to deal with his fetish and doesn't want to hurt me.
I am not angry with him, because I really feel like he has an obsession and he's agreed to try things to help, though he does not believe that anything can help. He feels as if having a woman with unnaturally large breasts will make all of his stress and problems go away. I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle to get back the guy who used to idolize me.
Does anyone have any experience with this sort of sexual obsession, or anything close to it? What do you do when the guy you love suddenly can't be turned on by anything but pornography and excludes you from his sex life entirely?
One more complication worth mentioning is that he has recently been hired to a government agency position which requires him to have a clean bill of health, including psychological. Any help he gets would have to be non-clinical, as all medicines he takes must be prescribed by his appointed agency doctor.
:( it's all really a mess.
It seems like a very unhealthy obsession that has become compulsive. He needs therapy to get to the root of why he is obsessed with porn. Also, it's my firm belief that no one should ever expect someone to get breast augmentation. It carries great risks and he should be happy with you the way you are. I know it sounds very 'self-help', but if he couldn't deal with your breast size, he should have told you that in the beginning instead of guilting you into surgery. Your breasts don't make him unhappy, he does. He needs help, not bigger boobs.
Sometimes when pain gets too be too much peoples minds take odd bends. Has he gone to a pain clinic yet? And is he receiving counseling? How closely does he watch his diet? He may even want to consider a different doctor if the doctor lets things progress so badly with his skeletal systen before correctig problems.
Notice I did not say to get implants? I am not a big supporter of modification, however you should only change things the way you want to and not more so than you want.
And Seriously I like big breasts but outside of porn stars most women who are as big as you describe get breast reduction surgery! He can have all the fantasies he wants but some things are not meant to be gratified and this is something that maybe he should get outside more away from the porn and grow up.
Notice I did not say to get implants? I am not a big supporter of modification, however you should only change things the way you want to and not more so than you want.
And Seriously I like big breasts but outside of porn stars most women who are as big as you describe get breast reduction surgery! He can have all the fantasies he wants but some things are not meant to be gratified and this is something that maybe he should get outside more away from the porn and grow up.
I think you are worth more than to just be his big breasted love toy. He obviously had some recent stress and trauma and I wouldn't be suprised if this had something to do with the change. talk to him and explain that you cannot do the surgery for him and tell him that perhaps he should be the one to change for you. He should see a councelor who specialises in sexual health.
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