Aa
She doesnt realize it's the core of her problems
Me and my girl just broke up after almost 2 years. I worked at a strip club for 10 years and she was a dancer. Being there I can tell u 90 percent of the girls are full on prostitutes and the other 10 have either just started and are on they're way to going all out or self controlled because it's like doing opiates starting off small with percs and moving on up to heroin. I saw something in her and decided to get her out of that environment before a decent girl goes completely bad after 8 months of dancing. 6 months into out relationship I noticed changes in our sex life,I asked, she told me what her dad did to her. This is common in dancers because I feel they loose respect for there bodies and look at it as an item or tool, she said when her mom left for work he would lock her brother out of the room and ask her to see her breasts and touch them and say things like " I'm doing this for your own good so u know not to trust me". This went on for the age of 9-14. I find it hard to believe that if this was an everyday thing that he did go further. She didnt want to talk about it or have it brought up and I can respect that. I loved the girl. Knowing this I found myself pinning a lot of her ways to that situation. Things like being selfish, dropping out of sex mid sex, anger at small things, lack of trust, low esteem, day to day different attitudes and a wall blocking true emotions giving me no embrace. I myself have anger issues that I'm currently going to classes for. Every time I suggested her to get help she though I was talking down to her. I would ask her if she was a lesbian or bi because sex eventually stopped as a whole. She would hang on to every fight we had and every word that was said and I think it's because she can't forgive and forget what that piece did to her.she only saw the bad I did and never put the good above it. I have 2 sick parents that took great care of me and I couldn't ask any better.she would always want me to move in with her and it made me so mad she couldn't comprehend why I NEEDED to be home for a father with cancer and a mother with M.S., always questioned when we would marry and have kids by and didn't see being 22 was still so young (IMO). She works as a waitress and lives on her own but thinks she will be stuck there for the rest of hernlife and never go to school or do anything. I asked if the mother knows what the father did. She thinks it's in the back of her head but never surfaced. They kicked her out of the house when she was 18 because she was heavily drinking. Fro. There she got into dancing, Being in very strange living environments with bad people, cutting her self and suicide attempts. About 2 months ago her and her mo. Were talking and the mom goes " yea those were your bad years", now you would think it was about when she danced because both parents knew about it and the dad was actually taking Money and pretending to save it for her, but the mother was talking about her getting drunk as a teen. I believe the father kicked her put because he seen she was being affected by his weirdo actions and got her out of the house cause he was afraid she would tell. She acted as of I treated her so bad and yesni do have a bad temper which can scare her but there's way worse. I never laid a hand on her, I pushed her to better her life, made sure she had anything she needed or just wanted and love her and tried showing her what it's like to be around caring people. She was very distant from my mother when theynwould talk. Almost like she was acting, very yes or no or agreeing answers with a cover up smile on her face. I'm not saying she was fake but I feel she can't trust parent figures. I paid for that mans sins for 2 years and now it's over. She tells me that I'm wrong for pinning things on her parents and it was all me. I know I'm not perfect and I have issues of my own but for her to say that " I don't think u loved me, I was just someone u cling on to because you're scared of growing up and being on you're own" is absurd. I didn't plan on my dad getting sick. So I choose to stay home. If I did want to leave my house I would want a girl that would think less of me as a person for wanting to do so while the people that gave me everything are at the worst time in there
Life.I say she was selfish because the way she acts about say, I had a glass of orange juice, she would say " whatbare you going to drink all my juice" mind you this is the same day I moved all her stuff for the second time into a new apt. Like I'm not worth a cup of juice to you? Or won't buy u 10 more gallons? I got fired from my job for her so she can have a good Xmas and I would have the night off. Xmas eve she wouldn't stop and get me cigs on the way to my house to get 1000 worth of presents because it was too cold and dark out and shes a girl that shouldn't be stopping at 10 at night, yet it's fine to walk out of tgi Fridays at 1am drunk though? Of course I still have feelings for her but hate her so much at the same time but mostly feel bad because it's not totally her fault how she is. I do live at home still and she always tells me I don't know how it is being on my own but I never denied her any possession of mine and would spend my last dollar if she was hungry. Now that it's over, I tried to get her back asking if I should move on with a bunch of nice words in the mix. She didn't answer at first so I texted her another message that it's not her fault and things about getting therapy and I'd be there for her or maybe she would be better off with a girl cause she seemed to hate men and she got very offended like I was the enemy and once again "talking down to her" when I'm always there for her to dumb her everyday walks of life problems on with open ears and arms. But again she broke me down with words. So the immature angry person in me retaliated attacking all her insecurities and though it seemed right at the time I learned I could have handled it better. All the ways she was towards me replayed. My last story is on new years. She knew I was so excited to go to a friends party with my girl cause I never do stuff with her due to her work. Which I'm cool with but this night was to be great. When she got out she didn't call. I called her and she goes " well what time do u expect to get there" in a snotty voice. She tried saying it wasn't a dampening question and that her tone was fine but come one I know your every mood and why would I wanna fight on the night i wanted the most. We ended up fighting at her house and not going out. She said she really didn't want to go but was just going to make me happy. Which is nice but it's like why do u want to be miserable all the time. It was like she was off if there wasn't a problem always at hand. She said I controlled and secluded her because I didn't want her to hang with people I knew were going to bring her down. Yes I know live and let learn but all my exs call back after they see I was a genuine person. Will she every realize she needs help and see I wasn't the enemy?
Life.I say she was selfish because the way she acts about say, I had a glass of orange juice, she would say " whatbare you going to drink all my juice" mind you this is the same day I moved all her stuff for the second time into a new apt. Like I'm not worth a cup of juice to you? Or won't buy u 10 more gallons? I got fired from my job for her so she can have a good Xmas and I would have the night off. Xmas eve she wouldn't stop and get me cigs on the way to my house to get 1000 worth of presents because it was too cold and dark out and shes a girl that shouldn't be stopping at 10 at night, yet it's fine to walk out of tgi Fridays at 1am drunk though? Of course I still have feelings for her but hate her so much at the same time but mostly feel bad because it's not totally her fault how she is. I do live at home still and she always tells me I don't know how it is being on my own but I never denied her any possession of mine and would spend my last dollar if she was hungry. Now that it's over, I tried to get her back asking if I should move on with a bunch of nice words in the mix. She didn't answer at first so I texted her another message that it's not her fault and things about getting therapy and I'd be there for her or maybe she would be better off with a girl cause she seemed to hate men and she got very offended like I was the enemy and once again "talking down to her" when I'm always there for her to dumb her everyday walks of life problems on with open ears and arms. But again she broke me down with words. So the immature angry person in me retaliated attacking all her insecurities and though it seemed right at the time I learned I could have handled it better. All the ways she was towards me replayed. My last story is on new years. She knew I was so excited to go to a friends party with my girl cause I never do stuff with her due to her work. Which I'm cool with but this night was to be great. When she got out she didn't call. I called her and she goes " well what time do u expect to get there" in a snotty voice. She tried saying it wasn't a dampening question and that her tone was fine but come one I know your every mood and why would I wanna fight on the night i wanted the most. We ended up fighting at her house and not going out. She said she really didn't want to go but was just going to make me happy. Which is nice but it's like why do u want to be miserable all the time. It was like she was off if there wasn't a problem always at hand. She said I controlled and secluded her because I didn't want her to hang with people I knew were going to bring her down. Yes I know live and let learn but all my exs call back after they see I was a genuine person. Will she every realize she needs help and see I wasn't the enemy?
Wow u really are awesome, thanks a bunch. It's justbhard now of days to find a food woman and I'm tired of empty surface encounters. So that makes me freak out thinking I'll be alone for ever. But until i do you're right time to put my energy into myself.
Sweetheart, keep on with your anger counseling and some day, you won't have a relationship with painful drama in it, just happy sweetness. Don't try to force something that is not working, and don't torture yourself with "she did this and I did that but it was because she did this" kind of thinking. All it does is spin over and over in your head, and it does YOU no good. Keep in mind, please, that your goal is a serene and happy life for you. Not for justification and head trips against someone else in hopes she will change her behavior. A. She won't change her behavior. B. It does not matter what she does, you are interested in you for the long term, and it won't do your long-term life any good to obsess over someone like her. Do you remember the saying "Never date a woman crazier than you are"? Guys say it for a reason.
Good luck. She is not the prize. Being right is not the prize. Developing a happy and healthy life for yourself, that is the prize.
Good luck. She is not the prize. Being right is not the prize. Developing a happy and healthy life for yourself, that is the prize.
She was out with her girlfriends on vday but come on no txt after I been trying all day cause sat. We were on ok terms? It's almost like I know she will eventually crash and like you said she's lost but mad and "over" the dead horse we were beating. She had me arrested because I pretended to pop the tires I bought her after she threw a phone at me I had on my account for her that I wanted back when we split the first time. She called first ayer two weeks telling me im the only one that understands her but then we got bad again after a month. Man I wish I had no feelings while dealing with all this and my parents. She also told me that I was putting a guilt trip on her when I said I can't believe you're doing this while my dads sick. She couldn't see that I was confused because she told me she still loved me but I would never kick someone I love while there way way down.
Thanks for letting me know there's still some decent people in the world. My final words to her were mean, I figured blood for blood and though I know god would have down different I let my anger take control and sadness set it of 2 years gone. But she played with my head by txting me the sat. Before valentines day to say goodnight and didn't talk to me at all on vday so I went to tgi Fridays to give myself piece of mind to see what she was really doing . I.e with another guy or whatever. I yelled cause i was heartbroken that I could be so focused on a girl and on the biggest girl day of the year she acted as if I was nobody. Yes she was doing the whole "need space" gimmick but why play games like that. I do feel bad but she went at my neck. My mom and my close girl cousin said I should leave it how it is and not to send another letter telling her I went at her feature insecurities because she tore me apart with false words that made me feel used and betrayed. I always told her if she fell out of love or found another I would accept it with respect. Things happen. But the whole game playing and throat cutting killed me inside when yes I did have a scary temper but I gave her my all and would have never let her fall or be harmed by anything that was outside our us and our wishes. I almost want her to see this but it will take time for her to pin point the reality of her issues. I should just let it be right now and see which direction the universe pulls me right? Even if I txt her she would just think I'm trying to lure her back or take it as I'm talking down to her. Even think I'm desperate which I don't care to play the who's gonna call first game because it's my life too and I needed to know what to do. Now I sit and deal with the uncontrollable which is thinking of her and another guy bonding and other sickening things but that's normal when no matter what the persons flaws or what happened you stil care and I dont see that as desperate or somewhat a fool, it's just what's instilled inside of me.
I love AnnieBrooke, lol, so awesome!
But Ricky, you do sound like a good person. Not to say that your ex isn't a good one either but at this point it's almost like the blind leading the blind. People can't see what they aren't ready to and some are more comfortable in the 'victim' role. At one point, as sad it is what happened to her from a person she trusted utmost, one has to let those past things go. I speak from experience. We can't control what happened to us as children but when we become adults, it is ultimately our decision on how we let it affect the future. It isn't easy but very doable. She has to want this and she isn't where you are right now. Maybe one day, as she matures or gets tired of being tired, she will reach out to a professional for the help she needs. She is hurting and lost. She doesn't know how to express herself or to accept love because apart of her doesn't love herself...doesn't feel worthy of it. She has a lot of walls that she built up and she isn't doing it on purpose. Those walls are a defense mechanism--it's all about self preserverance. I'm sure she loves you, but she is hurting very much and needs to seek help on her own terms before accepting help from you. She probably feels resentful that you have 'seen' her--if you can understand what I mean. You telling her often that she needs help or may be better suited with another woman will always come off as an attack to her...Sounds off, and it is, that she can't accept that help from you. You're too close.
It will be hard, but until you fully get over her you just have to love her from afar and keep working on yourself. At the end of the day, it's all any of us can do.
All the best.
But Ricky, you do sound like a good person. Not to say that your ex isn't a good one either but at this point it's almost like the blind leading the blind. People can't see what they aren't ready to and some are more comfortable in the 'victim' role. At one point, as sad it is what happened to her from a person she trusted utmost, one has to let those past things go. I speak from experience. We can't control what happened to us as children but when we become adults, it is ultimately our decision on how we let it affect the future. It isn't easy but very doable. She has to want this and she isn't where you are right now. Maybe one day, as she matures or gets tired of being tired, she will reach out to a professional for the help she needs. She is hurting and lost. She doesn't know how to express herself or to accept love because apart of her doesn't love herself...doesn't feel worthy of it. She has a lot of walls that she built up and she isn't doing it on purpose. Those walls are a defense mechanism--it's all about self preserverance. I'm sure she loves you, but she is hurting very much and needs to seek help on her own terms before accepting help from you. She probably feels resentful that you have 'seen' her--if you can understand what I mean. You telling her often that she needs help or may be better suited with another woman will always come off as an attack to her...Sounds off, and it is, that she can't accept that help from you. You're too close.
It will be hard, but until you fully get over her you just have to love her from afar and keep working on yourself. At the end of the day, it's all any of us can do.
All the best.
I'm sorry it's over and not really over, for you. You sound like a decent person, trying hard to get past your anger issues. I'd keep going with the therapy and help for the anger, and I'd let go of your dreams of either helping or telling this girl anything. She has her OWN demons to fight, and you are not going to get anywhere trying to tell her what they are. You have Your own demons to fight (the things that are behind the explosive anger), just keep focusing on figuring that out.
One thing I know for sure is that the healthier we get, the healthier people we draw into our sphere. Baying at the moon for someone with a lot of problems is trying to progress backward. She has to go her own way, you will never hear her say "You are right, thank you for your words of wisdom." The sooner you drop the need to hear it, the better off you will be.
One thing I know for sure is that the healthier we get, the healthier people we draw into our sphere. Baying at the moon for someone with a lot of problems is trying to progress backward. She has to go her own way, you will never hear her say "You are right, thank you for your words of wisdom." The sooner you drop the need to hear it, the better off you will be.
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