Threesomes

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been thinking about having a threesome for the longest time.  As a fantasy, It really turns me on, but when I think about it, I feel worthless a lot, like he is tired of me, or he just wants to be single.  Its really confusing for me, and I find it has caused a lot of problems.  Does anyone know how I can get passed this?  I think it is sexy to think of him having sex with another women, but sometimes when he tells me how hot he thinks other girls are, it makes me feel bad about myself.  I just don't know what to do.  And now he is saying that we have wasted a whole bunch of time one this and he wants to quit searching for someone to have one with.  We have yet to find someone and we have tried Craigslist, but no one has responded to us.  So does anyone else know of a site or place to hook up with people for such occasions? I just want to make our fantasy come true before we get married.  I think he'd be happier that way, besides, I made a promise to him that we would have one.

[iam1butterfly]

"I think he'd be happier..." And, what about your happiness? Unless, you really want to pursue this as much as he does, I'd go with what he's telling you... give up the search... forget about the promise... and, leave this as a fantasy unfulfilled. But, since you asked about other sites to make connections, I can't think of a different or better one than the very popular one that you mentioned. Take care!

[sodapop915]

wow are u kidding me u are"nt happy abou this y do it he sounds like he wants a another woman anyway so let him go y look 4 some one people out here hav all kinds of grems n ***** STDS AIDS DO WAT MAKES U HAPPY IN THE LONG RUN

[boogiefly]

I agree about the STD part but he had mentioned having a "girlfriend" basically for this very occasion, but what it sounds like he wants is an F-friend. I keep asking him if he wants two girlfriends and he says no, so I am not sure what he wants.  I told him also that it seems like he wants to be single and have sex with all kinds of other women, but he says he doesn't want to be single, he wants to marry me, but have some action for the both of us on the side.  And like I said, its a cool fantasy, so I am happy about it, but I have mixed feelings because when he looks at a girl in porn and says, "oh, she's gorgeous", it just makes me feel like I am not good enough.  I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[katarina777]

Whatever you do, don't marry this guy. not because of his feelings, but because of how he makes you feel. you may not have a lot of experience with men, but you can do a lot better. it doesn't even matter if it's his fault or not, the plain simple fact is that you do not feel values, and/or attractive, or to be on his mind, and that you must trust, sodapop. no matter how much you try to please him, it never works and he will dump you anyway, and the longer this goes on, the worse you  will feel about yourself. kat

[katarina777]

It's actually worse than dumping, it's agreeing you be his wife and caretaker while he thinks of the women he parties with. his wife he wants to marry, not play with?

[boogiefly]

I wonder about that also.  I ask him if he thinks I am fun to play with and he says yes, and that is why he wants us as a couple to play with other girls, but he often talks about doing girls by himself, which turns me on, but at the same time, I don't want him to because I would feel left out.  I don't have that much experience with men, he is the only one I have ever had sex with and I was his first as well.  We have been together for about 15 years now, and I had told him 8 years ago that I would agree to have a threesome.  Now it seems because I get upset when he says how hot other girls are that he wants to give up and I think he is blaming it on me.  I asked him if it was my fault, he says no, but then complains that it's more of a hassle than it should be.  I don't think I could do better because he is the man of my dreams, and I think he is the only person who could ever love me for who I am and what I look like.  See, I am overweight, and he likes that, and I don't think anyone else would be as understanding as him.  I have been trying to lose weight all my life, and it goes up and down all the time, so I believe no other man would put up with that.  Also, he is really funny and really helpful. I think HE could do better.

[katarina777]

Have you actually ever seen the porn he watches? Boogiefly, I think I understand you quite well as I have been in much that situation for many years of my life. I loved the guy but he was really bad FOR me; he loved me and I was good for him. (not so black and white of course) I was sort of his wife, and his 'girls' were men; he was gay. men for sex and I for friend and loyalty. Kat

[katarina777]

What worries me the most about you getting hurt? your soul!

[katarina777]

It's really hard to lose and maintain wait if you do not feel like a woman and are treated like a woman not only for love but for physical attraction. The only option this way is through an eating disorder.  You don't turn him on and you are not even married yet and that is not about your weight; your weight is because of him. (I mean it's not his fault, but it is) I never had the experience either so I never did know better and just thought no man would look at me. And if you feel unattractive you give out that signal? kat

[boogiefly]

Well yes I have seen the porn, and I even watch it with him, and its girls who are a little smaller than me and 3 time bigger than me as well. He loves big women. I was chubby when we first started dating, but I have gained more than 50 pounds, over 15 years and he says even if I was bigger he would love my body still. But when he makes comments about how nice another girl looks it makes me feel bad, and he doesn't understand. He thinks I should never be upset.

[katarina777]

After this last comment from you I feel a lot better. I think it is really important that he is attracted to you so that is great, and I guess I missed/forgot that part. And also that he is not gay.

Now here is one to think about for you, boogiefly. You say you feel bad when he mentions that another woman is attractive or pretty, right? Of course only you know how he says it, and how he looks when he says it, and how often, etc.  (And I am really glad you are correcting me when I am wrong, and still talking, because  it's the only way, right?)

Why is it so hurtful for him to speak of other women? don't you see men around that you also think are attractive? why does him mentioning the beauty of others, and as we all do about many things in like, including the ugly, threaten you? Does it mean to you that he thinks you are less pretty when he tells you he thinks another woman is? because in a way it's natural and maybe he just trusts you enough that he feels he should be able to share those things with you?

I had forgotten that your boyfriend likes heavy women, and he probably likes all kind of women. (At least with me when I felt bad about a guy saying stuff it was because I knew he thought fat, or overweight women were disgusting, and I knew he was never attracted to me, and yes, I felt bad and couldn't even think about marriage) But this does not even seem to be an issue, the weight thing? Maybe he is just more open about what's in-front of him. maybe he thinks many women are pretty but he loves you like he says?

You know, you should suggest to him that you decided you want an extra man for the threesome. I also do think it's totally OK to change your mind about the whole thing and that he really is OK with that. (doesn't have to be now or never but you can see how you feel in the future) i would not pressure this, and especially since you are not entirely secure feeling with him .

Tired, kat

[boogiefly]

Hello, thanks for the understanding and making me understand more.  I know its natural to find other attractive, but he desires other sexually and it makes me feel like he doesn't desire me.  Last night we were watching porn and he said he LOVED someones butt and it made me feel bad.  Like, what makes me so special if he "loves" parts of other girls bodies.  He says he likes me best, but how can I believe this?

[katarina777]

You can't really go by what he tells you. You have to know it in your heart, be totally honest with yourself and get rid of all your defenses. There is a little voice inside of you that knows! Kat