Unable to get comfortable sexually or orgasm

Hi there,

I'm 20 years old and in a relationship with my 22 year old boyfriend. He's the second man I've dated and the first I've ever been sexual or just generally affectionate with. We've been dating for about 11 months now and while everything outside of sexual intimacy has been going fantastically, we're having issues in the bedroom. The problem is, is I can't seem to get comfortable being sexual and in turn thats both not allowing me to achieve orgasm or come close to it and its wearing us both down. He wants me to initiate sex more and be dirtier (I don't blame him, I wish I was that way too). He also wishes that I could orgasm. I haven't been able to come close any time he's tried to please me or whenever we've had sex. It does feel good and all and I enjoy it regardless, but its taking a toll on our relationship.

I'm wanting to figure out how I can become more of a sexual person, how I can become bold enough to initiate or say dirty things out of the blue or grab him (hes requested that I try to do all of those things more, but I always just psyche myself out by telling myself he's probably busy or not in the mood or just not knowing what to do after I attempt something). I just want to be able to become comfortable being open sexually like that. I don't come from a background where all things sexual were shunned, but I've never been a sexual person and I've never been like, I've never had a desire to want to be attractive or sexy or anything like that. I feel uncomfortable being called 'beautiful' or 'cute' or 'sexy' or anything that comments on how I look.

I feel like I've really missed the boat in anything relating to sex. Like, I should have figured all of this stuff out years ago. I feel like a failure because I can't just become comfortable enough with my own sexuality to start stuff, like I shouldn't have even begun a relationship with him because all I'm doing is not meeting his needs. Before meeting him, I always thought I would die a virgin, and I was perfectly comfortable with that thought.

The other part of it all is that I can't orgasm. At all. I can't find what turns me on enough or just in general and what feels good enough to make me finish. I wish he didn't care about making me finish because while it does feel great, whenever he's tried to please me, all I can think is that its not going to work and that I just wished he would focus on what feels good to him.

Its not that I don't enjoy the sex or anything, its just, its not as enjoyable once the thought of "I'm letting him down" pops into my mind. And its not that I'm not attracted to him. I am very much so.

Basically, I just want to know how to become comfortable being sexual and to become more, I wouldn't say dominate, but just issue out some sort of desire. And I want to know how to actually be able to orgasm for once. I feel terrible not being able to give either of those things to him, like he would be much happier elsewhere. A part of me feels like it'll never be solved and like sex will always be an issue between us. I'm desperate to figure this stuff out.

And if you need more information just say so.

[Anonymouse88]

Well, first of all, do you masturbate ever?  If you don't, you should start.  Get comfortable with your body and find out what you like.  You can start with a cheap vibrator, or even a vibrating back massager.  Get a mirror and get familiar with your girly bits (it sounds like you're female, if not I apologize).  Read some random erotica stories or watch some porn, and figure out what you do and don't like.  When you masturbate, concentrate on feeling good, not at reaching an orgasm.  Worrying about getting there can ruin the journey and sometimes keep one from happening.  Stay relaxed, breathe, and have fun with it.  Keep in mind that some women never manage to have an orgasm, and that's ok.  It doesn't stop them from enjoying sex, and it doesn't make them failures.  A majority of women also can't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, and that's ok too.  As long as you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, there's really no wrong way to have sex.

As for things you can do as a couple, try a yes, no, maybe list.  What you do is you both spend 5-10 minutes thinking of every single sexual activity you can think of, whether you think you'd like it or not (e.g., oral sex, anal sex, role playing, playing with whipped cream, spanking, etc.).  Just write down everything you can think of.  Next, combine these into one list (doing this on a computer might make this easier).  Then put three columns: yes, no, and maybe.  You both go down the list and check "yes" for the things you would definitely want to try, "no" for things you absolutely don't want to do, and "maybe" if you'd be willing to try it, or think you might like it but you're not sure, or you'd only want to do it under the exact right circumstances.  Then compare your checkmarks.  Things that you both said "yes" to, try them out.  Things that are "maybe" and "yes", or "maybe" and "maybe", negotiate and try them if you want.  The exercise helps you both learn what the other likes, and figure out new things to try.  There are premade lists on the internet if you don't want to come up with things yourself, and you're always free to add to them if you want.

If you are interested in being dominant, a place with a lot of resources is Fetlife.  There are groups for newbies if you want to explore being dirtier, and they can give you creative ideas for being dirty as well.  If you want to do anything involving hitting (like spanking) or throwing someone around roughly, or even talking dirty, you should have a clear conversation beforehand to work out what's ok and what's not ok.  For instance, with the dirty talk example, you might say it's ok for him to ask you if you like his big **** inside you, but it's not ok for him to call you a little *****.  Having the conversation when you're not all hot and bothered helps things go well and prevents awkward situations in the heat of the moment.  

I hope this helped.  Feel free to private message me if you want to talk more, or reply here.

[Sharpiepewpew]

Thank you for the quick reply!

I guess I should have mentioned that I have been able to orgasm through masturbation, even though its always been a 'hit or miss'. I have masturbated in the past, I'd say I was a bit late in 'discovering' masturbation, started around 15/16. I've been able to finish using a shower head, my hand and a toy, but, I'd say about half of the time I'd just stop being horny while masturbating, or I'd get frustrated like I was lasting too long and give up. None of the orgasms I've had that way were ever 'fantastic', like I sometimes felt it was a waste of time since the finish wasn't that all satisfying. However, I haven't masturbated at all while I've been in a relationship with him unless he requested that I did so (I'd say its a part of our relationship dynamic, a personal choice that I only do so when he requests I do).

I also should mention that it personally doesn't bother me that I haven't been able to finish, but it bothers my partner. I definitely prefer when the focus is on his pleasure and not my own.

We've tried multiple things to attempt to even get me close, things that I do like but I just can't seem to orgasm. We've tried oral, fingering, focusing on my clit, being rough, Master and Slave, biting, spanking, etc. but nothing has managed to bring me to climax. Those all feel good but nothing ever feel super duper amazing.

I'll bring up the list idea with him or talking with him beforehand about what I would personally prefer during sex. I don't think we've ever talked about what would be preferable for me outside of the bedroom.

I'll also look into fetlife. I don't want to become the dominant one in the bed, but I would love to be able to just act and be sexy for him without feeling like its awkward.

Thank you for the advice.

[cmc8]

You don't have to really be super kinky to achieve the art of being dirty. You can always start off small with something that wont take you too far out of your comfort zone like a text to your Bf while he's at work saying something along the lines of "I can't wait to pleasure you tonight " or even during sex you could tell him things that are encouraging like "I love the way you make love to me" or "baby you're just sooooooo good" every guy likes a compliment on their sex.

As for the orgasm thing,  I used to have an issue climaxing and I read in a magazine that in order to achieve it you must be mentally there as well as physically which means you have to stop thinking and worrying about whether or not you will climax! Let the sex take you over completely , focus on the feelings let go of everything else. Also try different positions try some where you know your clit will be rubbed against during, me personally I always get an orgasm when my Bf is sitting up on the edge of the bed and I'm sitting on his lap facing him with me doing the work so I can do what I know what pleasures me. You can also go to cosmopolitan.com the magazine website where you can find sexual positions that can almost guarantee an orgasm. Hope this helps you out, goodluck!

[cmc8]

That response was for you ^ I forgot to tag you in it

[NOHARD]

Hi Pew Pew, I will give just this, dobson and ross, you will find all your answers there in one place, so just google dobson and ross, Dr Betty Dobson, is one half, she takes life one orgasm at a time, she runs life class's for women on masturbating and how to orgasm, you can dowmload vids for a small price, just think of the one place as all you ever wanted to know about sex but was affraid to ask, and you will find some great art work on there.
Good Luck