I was sexually abused starting at around the age of 5 and it lasted till I was 12. It was brought on by an older step brother and was not a bad experience. It was actually very pleasurable. However I am now in my early 30's and have never really found my sexual identity through the years. For the most part I always went for older guys. I realized a couple of years ago that I was stuck in a cycle of reliving my sexual abuse. Since then doors have opened up for dating women and I now have a desire to be with women at times but there are still times that I think about men. Almost like jekyl and hyde. I almost feel like since the door was opened for me then there is no going back. Could I be bi-sexual, or maybe still havent dealt with certain sexual abuse issues. I get turn on by both sexes. Confused
There's no question that the kind of abuse you went through can really mess with your sexual identity and your life in a number of ways.
Whether you're straight, bi, or gay I think it's important that you get some therapy to help deal with the abuse. As you work through your emotional struggles I think you'll start to find out more about yourself and who you are.
First off I'd suggest just regular therapy but specifically with a therapist that specializes in this sort of problem. Your local hospital or university medical center can probably refer you to a few psychologists as could your general practitioner.
There are also a number of support groups around the country for survivors of childhood abuses. Again you can probably be referred to them by the same places.
Also, open up the yellow pages. In the front or back there are usually a number of emergency hotlines for any number of things, i.e. depression, suicide, gambling, etc... Calling just the basic depression hotline might be a good place to start if you want to keep things fairly anonymous. From my experience I can tell you that the operators on these phone lines are very well-trained and it's worth a try for some free help and advice. They can usually also refer you to mental health servies and support groups in your area for this type of problem. In a pinch you can also go to your local church, synagogue, or place of worship and talk with one of the priests/nuns, etc... religious facilities often have (or can refer you to) support groups, counseling services, etc.
I feel very strongly that if you seek therapy to treat the absue you'll figure the rest out along the way. It won't be quick or easy but it's the best way.
Conflicted... is the word that came into my mind after reading your post... not because you may or may not be bi-sexual. But, because you were abused as a child while at the same time you found it to be a "pleasurable" experience. As has been mentioned in the posts above... counseling would be the best means to help you delve into your childhood experiences and guide you through the process of discovering who you are.
Yeah I need to go to therapy. I think I have been bucking it for a while. In addition to the sexual abuse I was also physically abused at the same time (between ages 5 and 12) by my step mother. Neither one of them knowing what the other was doing. So I knew this felt bad and the sexual abuse felt good. Probably alot that needs to be worked out. I guess for the longest time I just assumed that I could make it through but I keep looking for something that I just can't find. And sometimes love feels foreign.
That "foreign" feeling could be the emotional disconnect (or the mental block) that many abused people develop, over time, as a psychological means of insulating and protecting themselves.
My ex-boyfriend called it, "self-preservation." As a child, he was neglected... ignored... and was subjected to sexual and physical abuse. And, over years, he developed what he described as a sense of "numbness" and "emptiness." With such feelings, it was extremely difficult for him to establish any form of emotional bonding which, in turn, affected intimacy. Sad to say... the concept of nurture and love was something that he could neither trust nor comprehend. I don't know if this is what you mean by that "foreign" feeling that you mentioned... but, when you stated it, it reminded me of my ex.
The feeling of being loved and nurtured makes me uncomfortable. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 (messy divorce) and my dad got custody so I only saw my mom every other weekend The first time I did see her I didnt know who she was. There was never really enough time for her to properly nurture and to it was kinda going against the damage that was already being done. I can totally relate to your ex. The feelings of numbeness and emptiness and the inability to connect with others because you fear trusting them and you also don't trust yourself and the things you feel. Self-preservation means something to me I just can't quite put my finger on it. I think that thing Im looking for is my youth or innocence. Maybe I'm trying to preserve what I feel is innocence. Thank you for listening and sharing. Atleast I know I'm not alone and there is another guy that has experienced some of what I have. You always hear about girls sexual abuse issues but never really about it happening to guys.
Interesting that you should mention a search for "youth" and "innocence." My ex seemed to be emotionally stuck at age 5, which was the age that his abuse began and any sense of normalcy began to crumble.
If we're stuck physically, mentally or emotionally... we feel that we're frozen and unable to move on!
If you go to the Abuse Support forum you will see there are a few males that have written about their own child sexual abuse issues,I think it's hard when all focus seems to be geared towards females that have suffered sexual abuse.I was also sexually abused as a child and I used alcohol and prescription drugs to numb my feelings,just so I could have a sexual relationship with my husband,It affected my whole life,I'm 48 and have only just been able to deal with what happened.
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