I hope you can help. I will try to keep this as short as possible. 7 years ago I met a wonderful man who has two girls from a previous marriage. He is a great dad to them and they loved him dearly. Not only do they still love him today but are very kind, happy and well rounded girls. I also have two girls from a previous marriage.
After being together for a year, my husband (then boyfriend) got a flirty "hope your not married" message from a random women in a different state. He denied giving her his number and acted confused but was very apologetic and later admitted he probably drank to much that night when out with the boys. A year later, as things were much better, we moved in together with our children. I discovered that condoms went missing when he went away to work but appeared when he returned home. I asked him about it and he denied denied denied. He lied so well. He even went to counselling with me and lied to his sister and brother in law.To top it off, he even asked his eldest daughter if she took them. He convinced me and I married him. Weeks before our marriage, I found ads highlighted on his computer for casual sex encounters and apartments for rent. Needless to say, I couldn't verify when he had looked at these as things you click on a page stay highlighted for a long time. But I still married him because he was a wonderful man and I love him so much. We went to counselling together and he really tried hard to change. Since then, on the advice of our counsellor, he has allowed me to use his computer, check his cell phone, and we do not have separate e-mail accounts. I even have his work app and know his schedules, and there is also "find my phone". Over the years I have rarely used these things but during the building of trust again, it was essential. Everything seemed to be going fine. Granted, I still do get insecure at times but these times seem to pass. A year after we were married, he finally convinced to taking the condoms but swore he never had an affair or planned to. It was almost just a risk to take them and fantasize about the thought he told me.
Unfortunatley, I discovered that things aren't really going that well at all. Our life has developed somewhat in that we invested in a new home and my husband got a great job. However, while his children have all but grown up and left, my two children are still living with us. My eldest daughter is 15 and she is extremely challenging. In the past 8 years she has been in and out of hospitals, behaviour centres, involved with the police in our home and in and out of schools. She is violent and has suicidal tendencies and was diagnosed with borderline personality traits, adhd and anxiety. To say the least, at times she is a nightmare on steroids. Our family has a social worker as well as my daughter having a psychiatrist and a therapist. Through out all of this my husband has been the best step-father, kind and patient and supportive.
I'm not saying my husband is perfect, but he tries to be. He always does the right thing, never yells and tries to spend time with all of us as much as he can. Aside from complaining that he has to clean up after everyone he never really get mad. He is emotional and sensitive. I would say that he drinks a bit more then I would like but we are both trying harder to be healthy.
Up until this weekend, everything appeared to be fine. Then I started piecing some things together, making connections...
About 6 months ago I discovered a bra in the arm of one of my husbands coats. It wasn't shoved all the way in but sticking out of the arm as it was hung up. Just before it was hanging up it was on top of some clothes in the laundry basket so I naively assumed it had gotten stuck to it by accident, which i guess is still possible, although I'm doubting it now. I never asked my husband about it. Months later, my older daughter said she was missing underwear even though I just bought her some. Her room was always messy so I never thought anything of it. It wasn't until 2 months ago that when lifting up the couch cushion, my husband pulled out two pairs of my younger daughter's soiled underwear neatly folded in a ziplock bag. My husband looked disappointed in my daughter and of course she was very embarrassed and still to this day doesn't have a clue how they got there. Finally, a few days ago my younger daughter said she was missing underwear. We looked high and low all over the house and found nothing. Needless to say I did not confront my husband although I suspect it is him.He would just deny it.
This is the last straw for me. Things don't add up. Not only do we have a non existent sex life, but he doesn't even get aroused when we lay together naked. He does like to cuddle. When we do have sex it is passionate but he really likes anal sex. He also watches porn and puts private browsing on his computer sometimes. I can tell because he is on his computer daily yet only some days show up.
He does not hang around other children or have such a job like that. He rarely offers or spends time with my kids alone and is very sociable around others. His ex wife always let him have the kids half time and they love him dearly.
Although I don't have any solid proof that he has done these things, suspicion and his past history of sexual acts give me reason not to trust him. I have asked him to go see a psychologist and that I would like him to move out. I am not giving up on the marriage but that I believe he has some big issues he needs to figure out. I have asked him to be upfront with his counsellor about masturbation and items he likes to use but did not elaborate. If and when I attend counselling with him, I am hoping he has been very up front to admitting his mistakes. If he does, and the counsellor can reassure me that his deviances are built up out of stress and that he is not a potential child molester, I will consider a future. At this point I do not.
I feel terrible although I know I shouldn't. He is devastated that I am kicking him out and confused as to why I won't tell him why. I offered to attend his first counsellor session to explain but he isn't sure that is a good idea.
This is a very good man from a very good family. I was molested as a young girl by a brother. My ex-husband was arrested for making sexual obscene phone calls and I left him because my younger daughter who was 4 at the time said some scary things concerning her daddy exposing himself to her. Am I being paranoid? All I know is that my stomach is in knots and I just can't bring myself to let all this go. I spend to much of my time worrying about if something happened or didn't and if I am making to big of a deal about everything. Please help me. Do you think my husband is a child molester?
In my opinion, I think you did the right thing by putting him out of the house for now. You do have your girls to think about. Their underwear coming up missing is very strange and a big red flag. How is your daughter doing since you put your husband out of the house?
I think you're being very cautious. You have to be when it comes to your children. Your husband has done some some very unusual things. You need to find out what is really going on.
Thank you for your comments. Having an outside perspective is always so helpful. My daughter has always had behavioural issues, even before moving here from the U.S and meeting my husband so I don't anticipate that changing a lot. He hasn't moved out yet, but will be soon.
Hi Lynn,You pose a lot of things that should have beed solved a long time ago, i think you should have walked at that same time, I think also that you have had doubts for a long time over his lying, you should have been out of there about 3 years ago, but I think now your turning the right cornerand please stay going round it.
Youir doing the right thing, sorry about your daughter, I have been throught the same thing, and the trouble is as they get older they dont change.
Do you think that once my husband has moved out and with extensive therapy he has any chance of being part of our lives again?
I'm not defending him, but he does live in a stressful environment with my daughter and we have been through rocky times leading me to believe he has very bad coping skills, a low self esteem and other issues. But he is a wonderful man who is a big part of our lives.
In listening to what his psychologist has to say after many visits, what if he feels that my husband has or is fighting his battles and what if he say he is not a *********? This of course only being that if my husband admits to everything and is upfront. What then?
What if after many counselling sessions his psychologist says he is not a ********* and that with many sessions he could get better? Should I still proceed with divorcing him? This being said that I feel I would safe and him safe for my children?
This is my second marriage. My first husband was arrested for obsence phone calls and although yet to be proven my 4 year old at that time made accusations that he exposed himself to her. Yet today he is happily remarried, has a young son and since my daughters have been visiting him seem happy for the most part. Is it possible that some men make really stupid mistakes yet once they get the proper therapy can get better?
In other words, yes I will have him leave my home indefinatley, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up just yet. If a man is willing to book an appointment with a therapist the very next day, move out without arguing with me, share all of his email accounts and passwords with me, stick with our family even though our daughter is extremely violent, I think I should at least give him a chance to get better? But only if he bares all, moves out, continues counselling until a professional can reassure me?
What is it with men? My brother abused me. My first husband acted out and now this one?
I know I sound a bit naive but I do believe I am taking the right steps by asking him to leave. This is for the safety of my children and myself. However, do you think it's possible that a man as messed up as him can get better? If he is a *********, forget it, no chance. But if he is just acting out because of all his issues do you think there is a chance?
He is a good man in so many ways, and I am far from perfect...I just don't know what to do. If this doesn't work out then I give up on men for good.
Thanks for listening, please give me your advice
What is it with men? Will the next man I choose be just like these?
The bra in his pocket was your daughters? That is not normal behavior by any means.
I think your husband is willing to do anything right to keep you from kicking him out, and that includes going to therapy. I've seen this happen many times and once therapy is over and he has your trust again he will go back to his old ways.I also think you're worried about getting divorced again and that's why you don't want to give up on this marriage. You do have your daughter to think about though. It does'nt sound like she's safe around him.
None of us can tell you what you should do. But, if it were me, he would be gone in a heartbeat.
Maybe going to therapy alone and without him would be a good idea for you.
No matter what his issues are he is displaying very scary behavior.
No, not all men are like this. There are many very good men out there.
You are right, I am scared to get a divorce again. I'm also scared as to how the divorce will impact my oldest daughter as all she talks about is how I left her father. But yes, it is the right thing to do for her.
You make a so-so investigator and a poor prosecutor my dear.
Your own insecurity does not allow clarity in your judgement.
Perhaps you need to take a closer look at your foundation and address things from the past that were never addressed.
You have been attracting and inviting dysfunctional relationships, finding excuses, and being dishonest with yourself. This is deeply rooted.
Therapy for you and your daughter(s) should be considered.
As far as your husband is concerned, the writing is all over the wall, but it is ultimately your personal call!
And remar is right! There are always some good men around, not just bad ones.
Hi Lynn, Its a toiugh world out there, and as for men and being one, first men have two heads and a lot of are lead unfortunately by the little head, if he as you say will leave without a fight to stay, I think that speaks mounds for his guilt, and being in counsiling, he can fool them as he has you.
Can he get better, can a leapard chang its spots, perhaps the jolt of being shown the door may help, he needs time to go away and think.
Can he change, the only way you could find that out, you would need to get inside his brain, and the problem there is we all have to many dark corners in there, but I do think a man can change as you have seen with your ex, that they can, but you gave him the jolt and look what that did.
Perhaps your best by keeping your men at arms length, as involvment seems to just break your heart again and again.
You will get lots of answers on this and a way out of it.
But at the end of the day its all down to you, and what you will be happy with.
Thank you for your comments. I am confused as to what you mean that I make a so-so investigator and a poor prosecutor. And that my past doesn't allow me clarity in my judgement. I am interested in what that really means.
Are you speaking of that when I found these suspicious items, that being my daughters bra and the underwear etc. that I automatically blamed my husband? Or that I should be blaming him?
After speaking to friends that know me, but not my husband, and I have told them the same story, is that just because I found these items doesn't automatically mean that they were his. And that perhaps my past in dealing with my ex and the fact that I was abused enhances my worries and I begin automatically thinking the worst. In there opinion, the underwear that is missing doesn't mean anything, especially if my daughter is already messy. Secondly, the underwear in the couch could have been from a camping trip or an overnight trip. Our house is not very organised, and my kids are slobs. The bra in the coat is strange, and unusual but it doesn't mean there aren't other explanations. At least that's what I keep telling myself.....
The one thing I do know that keeps coming back to haunt me is that the very first time he lied to me, he manipulated me by letting me to believe that I was the one who must have been confused. He also lied to the counsellor and to his family. He knows this and admits it freely. This is what scares me. No matter what happens, whether it's a big issue or a small one, I will NEVER be able to believe him. And each time an issue comes up, I automatically think he is guilty, because he lies-not because he has messed up before and because he has lied.
Now here is the difficult part, and I now that the fire and fear is settling, I have to face the fact that in the last 4 years he has not lied to me. I didn't put that in my intial comment because I was to hurt and upset. And as mentioned, I know this because, I know where he is 80% of the time. How? As creepy as it sounds, but it was on the advice of our counsellor, he had to earn back the trust. Find my Iphone, he sends me picture texts of the people he is with, we share email etc... I know that doesn't mean that he can't still hide things, i won't be naive.
The other thing is that there is no evidence what so ever that he likes children or is a molester. I know this because out of fear I went on line to every single website imaginable, even government ones to seek out not just the actions, put the profile (of little of what I read) of a child molester. He doesn't even come close. In addition, he has raised two healthy girls with a ex wife who he gets along well with, has a niece and nephew and my children have never complained about him. They are 13 and 15 and I trust that if there was an issue they would complain as they are well educated in that area.
Yes, I seriously need counselling and I appreciate your honesty in noticing that. As does he. For myself the post trauma of my life continues to haunt me and because of it I am easily triggered. I will always be quick to judge.
Our family life is also unhealthy which puts added stress on my husband, although as he admits, it doesn't give him any excuse.
You say the writing is all over the wall. What does that mean? Do you think he took my daughters bra and underwear? Wow...I can't believe I have to ask others that question. I am so confused but seriously, is it my past that is accusing my husband or do I really have anything to go on. Not believing him because I don't believe him or because I really think he did it?
I love my husband so much. My daughters do to, and I am so confused because is it possible that a good man, who started off bad all of a sudden start to do such horrid things?
Nohard, thank you for your comments. I don't see that he my husband is leaving because he feels that he is guilty. If a woman is angry at a man and wants him to leave and he does it's because he respects my wishes. We have been having problems and he recognised how upset I was. Yes, that is very hypocritical considering he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me. It is worse when a man refuses to leave making the woman and children go. I could be wrong, but that's just my opinion. Not to mention, he himself has had enough of the stress in our family and the ups and downs of my emotions (which he admits are partly his fault)
Thank you for reading comments, I know it is long winded. I am so appreciative of all your honest advice. I understand that you are doing it the best you can based on what I write on an internet website and without knowing me or my family.
I still don't know what to do, but I am not convinced that I want him out for good yet. We are going to counselling next week. At the counsellor I will tell him how I feel about not believing my husband and how scared I am. I will do this with my husband in marriage counselling and in private counselling. Only when I feel 100% safe for my kids will I allow him to stay. And I will allow him to stay because if he moves out, how can we work on our relationship? The last time he went to counselling he only went for 3 sessions. This time we are both going and I am insisting that he go once a week for at least a year. And I will do the same. We will go for marriage counselling once every two weeks. We are able to afford it.
Finally, I'm not sure how I attract the wrong people. Yes, I do need counselling, but how is it possible to attract the wrong people. Is it because I didn't kick him to the curb in the beginning? In the first year of our relationship, prior to his crap, it was me that was having all the challenges and kept calling things off. He treated me like gold at that time.
Long story short, it boils down to this. Is this person who has never done such a thing in his life really doing such awful acts with my daughters things or is my past haunting my judgments and allowing me to jump to conclusions. Please let me know what you think. Outside perspectives are just as valuable as those from my close circle of friends.
Hi Lynn, Can a woman attrack the wrong man, answer yes, some woman are like magnets to the wrong men, I dont konw why, do you think your gullable to the soft talk, if yes then you find that the wrong guys are good at the soft talk, so the question is do you think thats you?
If you look at the little picture, face less man and women, thats us, we dont know one another, so I and others can only go on what you write, and being as you say longwinded, no problem.
So why did he have you daughters underwear, fetish, there are some men who get a great kick out sniffing soiled panties, the bra bit again just sniffed it, and could mastur bate with them on his head, so I think he does have problems there, so perhape more in need of theropy than counsilling.
And yes this man can do these acts.
You like a lot of us and can only see the facts and work on them, But for me you have come up with the right answers, bet you have had some sleepless nights with him and both of your problems.
You have two daughters to give you enough problems without his on top, so what do your close friends say then.
I still think you should have walked when you found the panties in in the bag and the bra in his coat, and him giving the big nothing to do with me act, you should have seen the signs then.
Lyn if you can, for your own piece if mind and save your money, walk.
I think for you less tears, you have a troubled daughter, who I think needs you guidence far more than him.
Look I could go on, but I will leave it there.
Where do I start?
I guess from the beginning.
A random woman, flirty messages, missing condoms, denial denial,
accusing his own daughter, lies to you,lies to others, admits to it the following year, suspicious surfing habits re casual sex and apt hunting BUT
"wonderful man and I love him", "never yells, emotional and sensitive and cleans up after all of us", bra up in his coat sleeve, BOTH daughters missing underwear!, non-existent sex life, he doesn't get aroused in bed, but watches porn, mastrubates, his kids love him, needs to see therapist,
you suspect him b/c of prior sexual acts.......
Lynn, I don't know you, at all, you don't know me either
I have no intention or reason to cause you
and your family any trouble, but you need to be honest with yourself.
The reasons you give, such as he's from a good family is rubbish.
Just read the above history, according to your own account of what has taken place.
Devaluing yourself and feeling vulnerable, because of your stress in dealing with your daughter's condition, can only serve perpetuating a dysfunctional relationship. I pray that your daughter(s) have not been affected by his
A good investigator gets to the bottom of things. When there are solid clues, they must be pursued. And if the investigator is emotionally invested in the case, she gets pulled out, as she may not use objectivity.
You found the clues, but you let your own insecurity and vulnerability cloud your judgement. Just read the comments from everyone so far.
And a poor prosecutor, as you did not really confront him from the beginning! Asking him to face the consequences of his own actions and giving him no options other than shape up (therapy, counseling and strict adherence to YOUR rules!) or ship out! No tolerance should be given for this type of behavior-PERIOD!
If the writing is not all over the wall, I must be living in lalaland where
all things are imagined and not real.
Consider taking NOHARD's advice and walk.
Do it for your daughters, if you're not going to do it for yourself.
And you need therapy, for you and for your older daughter.
She needs you to be clear and strong, not confused and weak.
Only then you can truly help her.
May you have the wisdom to make the right choices for all concerned.
My friends don't feel that he would hurt my kids and that I have a lot to go on considering my life and kids and the one friend even works for the police department. She has suggested however that to reassure myself I can always have his computer hard drive searched which we are doing. My husband has even agreed to pay for it. My friends while they never really hang out with him, know about his past. All but one of them have kids as well.
I took into consideration how I am viewing all of this. I am trying my best not to look at this from his perspective because that doesn't matter. Because however I myself do have a delicate past, i am trying not to shoot from the hip.
Even if his hard drive does come back clean, it still doesn't mean that he didn't do these things. But at least it will provide me with more evidence to make a decision on.
Even if he didn't do these things, the fact remains that he still lied to me about watching porn, that we don't have much of an intimate relationship which is very concerning to me. I get that porn sites aren't altogether bad and that a lot of people watch it, but it is when he has been lying about it and when I asked him not to unless we do it together, as well as I would like to know and hope that it is just adult porn he has been viewing.
I cannot ignore the fact that there are other possibilities as to why the underwear and bra were found where they were. That is fair judgment especially when he has no past history of such, and that my children are messy and my life is scattered and stressful when it comes to remembering where I put things or did.
What my concerns are now is trusting what he says. If I can't do that then we do not have a marriage. But the fact that he has been honest (that I know of), and upfront with me for the past four years is also something I need to take in to consideration.
Aside from checking his hard drive by a professional,I have asked him to leave even if it is only temporary, I have also chose to go to therapy for myself, with him. When n therapy I will be completely honest and upfront with the therapists and sugar coat nothing.
When he has moved out, I think it will give me a better sense of how I feel when he is not around. I will not allow him to move back in until I am completely sure of my decision.
As you have said, ultimately my decision is something that I will have to live with. Which is why I am weighing everything with caution.
I so appreciate and respect your and everyones else's thoughts and perspectives but it is an outside view that would say "the writing is on the wall" because no one knows myself or my partner. I get that that comment would come up when seeking help from random people.
You're concerned about several things or you would'nt be posting here. I will give you my advice. I think you should keep him out of the house for now. Get yourself in to counseling and he should go too, both of you on your own with different counselors. You have a lot of trust issues with him and with good reason. How in the world could your daughters bra get in to his coat if he did'nt put it there? He has admitted to lying. I just think you need to take care of you and your girls right now. Is your youngest daughter in counseling? Children can't understand why their parents get divorced. Mine did when I was 7. I know it was the best thing my mom ever did. I did'nt realize this until I was grown though. I really am glad you found this site. We do care about what happens to you and your children. We're here to listen and help if we can.
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