Will I ever be able to enjoy sex?

[idkmydude]

I had never planned on actually using the question ASKING part of this site, but here goes nothing. I am now 18, and go by male pronouns if that comes up, please be respectful.

When I was pretty young, from the ages of 4 to about 7, my brother would frequently molest me. I can't recall any penetration, but I know there was a lot of his hands in my pants and his penis near my vagina. There was a big incident with this on Christmas underneath the tree and I resent Christmas because of it.

From about 6-10 there were various situations with my sister and cousin as well, where they made it into a "game" and had me touch them, and then they'd touch me. (Keep in mind they're both 4 and 5 years older than me) I didn't know any better so went along with it.

When I was 8 my parents split and I moved into my aunts house. While I was there, my cousins boyfriend, at the time he was 19, would hide me under the blanket, have me touch his penis while he rubbed my vagina. I wasn't sexually mature yet and it hurt bad as it wasn't lubricating?? But this went on almost daily for a month.

Fast forward until I was 16, I had a girlfriend at the time who knew about all this and was very upset and hated that this happened to me. We were pretty sexual, but after a while, I would tell her "not now" or "later" or just flat out "no", because I was having super bad flashbacks to when I was abused. She wouldn't stop and continued on multiple occasions after me saying no. (First question, is that rape?? Am I just overreacting??)

With the flashbacks it's very hard to get in the mood, as I have the flashbacks almost everytime I'm "intimate" with anyone. Even when I was doing fine for a while without flashbacks, it just didn't feel good. I was never wet, blah blah I'll spare you the details.

It just hurt and I always have these flashbacks and I want to know if they'll ever go away or if I just have to deal with them?
Thank you - Lumen

[Sahwan]

Are you on any hormone therapies? If so this could cause some lack of libido. However, as a survivor of very similar childhood abuses I will make the following statement. I was 6 till 11 abused. What sucks is that during the time of the abuses it "felt good" but I was so young I didn't know what was happening so in my mind I shut off the allowing myself to "feel good" physical. (I guess this would have been the arousal) This thrushed me into unhealthy sexual encounters into my twenties. Sex with no arousal. When I had my first child I forgave the person who abused me because I knew I would never let this happen to one of my kids and the fact that the person them self may or may not have been abused. Now I'm in my 30's I feel more A sexual than anything. I'm married happily and enjoy the act of sexual relations with my spouse. However, I needed to love myself first. Having an orgasm for myself on my terms alone in my privacy and not feel dirty or wrong about it helped me very much. This did not come over night and took time. Begin with yourself first is the best option. You're only 18 break up with that aggressive sexual partner and go explore the world. Sex isn't everything. As we both know making new better memories is the best way for healing and don't look in the rear view mirror. No means no and never forget we teach people how to treat us.

[Slothlord]

If you said no and your girlfriend didn't stop, that is definitely rape. You're not being sensitive.

[Dalubaba]

Your question is unique in this forum. I hope you to get answer from a member who is conversant with the issues you are facing.To get rid of flash back you can take help from psychologist. Have you ever thought of consulting hypnotist.To control on mind you can think of meditation. Even doing breathing exercises can help you. I am sure you will be okay as you are trying to resolve your problem by visiting this forum. It shows your determination to self -improve.Thanks.