Aa
am i being unfair?
i have many difficulties with sex as a whole, but my husband things im being unfair when i have said that once it gets to 10 pm or say before work (he leaves the house at 7 am) that any sex after those times it out of the picture.
now to back up this remark ok, its purely down to a few simple things, the bedtime one being that because i dont get aroused and no wetness at all, he insists of trying to use the vib on me, well our room sides next to the neighbours bedroom, and that magic wand we have is so noisy im sure they can hear something, so unless he just slaps so lube on me and then gets down to business and finnishes him self off, then there is little chance of either of us learning how to get me to experience anything during sex, the before 7 am thing, well thats just a thing of out with the lube shove it in and done, up washed dressed out the door sort of sex, its exactly the opposite of what my head needs, its that sort of sex that has done me more harm over the years,
so am i being unfair by putting this time limit on when we do it? because at the moment hes not interested one bit unless its after that time!!!!! he shows no signs at all of wanting to have sex til we are either in bed and about to go to sleep or im still asleep
now to back up this remark ok, its purely down to a few simple things, the bedtime one being that because i dont get aroused and no wetness at all, he insists of trying to use the vib on me, well our room sides next to the neighbours bedroom, and that magic wand we have is so noisy im sure they can hear something, so unless he just slaps so lube on me and then gets down to business and finnishes him self off, then there is little chance of either of us learning how to get me to experience anything during sex, the before 7 am thing, well thats just a thing of out with the lube shove it in and done, up washed dressed out the door sort of sex, its exactly the opposite of what my head needs, its that sort of sex that has done me more harm over the years,
so am i being unfair by putting this time limit on when we do it? because at the moment hes not interested one bit unless its after that time!!!!! he shows no signs at all of wanting to have sex til we are either in bed and about to go to sleep or im still asleep
Really, goodluck with your family because there seems to be no angles to making things better for you guys.
Kitkat1306
For the sake of your own sanity I would suggest that you discontinue this dialogue as it seems that most others have already.
All:
ON THE THEORY OF PAIN
There is a pain/pleasure theory that goes along with alot of things. Somethings are just painful enough to feel good. It is a fact that it can be true and yes others have had or do have pain during sex but the level of pain that makes it pleasurable also matters. Your mind state definitely can affect the level of pain your are in especially if it is an act that you see no purpose or pleasure in doing. When i engage in sex it can be painful, but it is so for different reasons. Dryness, i am angry and really not in the mood, it has been longer than my body is use to and therefore it is tighter.
Clueless
I can imagine that each time you have had sex if you don't often at all that it is like being with a virgin every time. Doesn't get better if you don't try.
For the sake of your own sanity I would suggest that you discontinue this dialogue as it seems that most others have already.
All:
ON THE THEORY OF PAIN
There is a pain/pleasure theory that goes along with alot of things. Somethings are just painful enough to feel good. It is a fact that it can be true and yes others have had or do have pain during sex but the level of pain that makes it pleasurable also matters. Your mind state definitely can affect the level of pain your are in especially if it is an act that you see no purpose or pleasure in doing. When i engage in sex it can be painful, but it is so for different reasons. Dryness, i am angry and really not in the mood, it has been longer than my body is use to and therefore it is tighter.
Clueless
I can imagine that each time you have had sex if you don't often at all that it is like being with a virgin every time. Doesn't get better if you don't try.
I don't know why I'm posting this but here goes. If you really want help, I think you should start by reading this article. There are many females who suffer from what you seem to be suffering from. It saddens me that you are a woman, like myself, and going through this pain. This is why I am trying to help you; I assume you are here because you want help. I hope that you will read it before shooting it down and do some research on your own and also go to talk to your gyno about what you have and are going through.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia
From reading these post I am guessing you may have had sex against your will in the past (ie raped/molested) and you have issues steming from this. If this is the case you really do need to get some therapy - until you confront what has happened to you, you will not be able to have a normal sex with anyone. I'm sorry if this has happened to you and I hope you get the help you need.
i thought that the whole point was to make sure you concentrated on the actual act and not hide yourself behind some mind trick? if i concentrate trying to feel something from what we are doing then i get pain being the only sensation i feel, if i dont concentrate on anything then i get nothing
Of course I have felt pain!! You clearly have issues also understanding people since you can't take anything from what anyone EVER says to you.
If you're in pain, and you sit and tell yourself...'oh that hurts, i'm in so much pain' then it's just going to make it worse. Mind control!!!! Tell yourself it's not painful, and you may find that it doesn't hurt as much. There is scientific evidence to back this up actually. But then again, you probably wouldn't that either...you don't seem to believe anything anyone says. You have you own twisted views/thoughts on things...which has lead to here were you cannot even have sex with your husband or accept good honest advice from anyone, which may actually help you.
If you're in pain, and you sit and tell yourself...'oh that hurts, i'm in so much pain' then it's just going to make it worse. Mind control!!!! Tell yourself it's not painful, and you may find that it doesn't hurt as much. There is scientific evidence to back this up actually. But then again, you probably wouldn't that either...you don't seem to believe anything anyone says. You have you own twisted views/thoughts on things...which has lead to here were you cannot even have sex with your husband or accept good honest advice from anyone, which may actually help you.
im gusseing then that you havent ever felt real pain in your life? the sort of pain that has sweat running over your body and you cant bear it anymore? the sort that you could pull your own arm off, to get rid of it,
well like i have said, if a gyno can't even get a spectrum in there...that shows that either there is something wrong with you down there, or that you are so against anyone being in that area that you tense and close up....again a psychological issue. And pain is as a matter of fact...if you scared and tensing up because you are expecting it to be sore....then it's going to be sore. If you try to ease your mind and tell yourself that it's not painful at all, or much painful is what you think it's going to be then it won't be...it's your mind and you control what goes in in there.
right for a start i didnt know that it wasnt meant to hurt, he even apologised the firsttime in case it did hurt me, and as for gynies i have been but they have never seen inside of me, only the outside as they cant get a speclum in there.
as for you wondering why we got married if it s always been this way, well as i said i simply didnt know it wasnt meant to hurt as thats all i had ever felt, and not one person has ever talked to me about sex so just where and how was i ever going to be told any diffferently?
pain i can asure you is not a state of mind
as for you wondering why we got married if it s always been this way, well as i said i simply didnt know it wasnt meant to hurt as thats all i had ever felt, and not one person has ever talked to me about sex so just where and how was i ever going to be told any diffferently?
pain i can asure you is not a state of mind
You do realize that people are saying that YOU ARE NOT ACCEPTING OR TRYING ANY of the SUGGESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO YOU. No sane person will keep trying to feed positive energy into a black hole. Giving you advice at this point seems equivalent to that only because you are not receptive. I would think you would have already been to the hospital and had this checked out if it is a physical thing that you just can't overcome. Your question was whether or not you were being unfair, so we believe you are being unfair. Why does that upset you?
Firstly, what was the point in having sex when it's painful and you don't enjoy it?!! You've said you've been to gynos etc and they have not found anything physically wrong with you...so it's all in your head. I think there is an issue with you that you don;t enjoy it with him, and tense up and that is why it's painful...pain is a state of mind...and you/your body is creating that. Are you even attracted you your husband at all? Why did you even get married if sex has always been an issue with you.....I just don't seem to understand why!! Sex and intimacy is a major part of any relationship, so i'm surprised the two of you are actually still together to be honest.
look any idiot (me) can get pregnant, enjoy it or not it happened ok, for him there was no question of doubt that he was enjoying himself, he thought i was too!!! he mistook the crying as being exclaims of pleasure!!!! yet all you lot on here seem to want to do is run me down because you have no idea what having sex is like for me, i.e. i feel nothing at all except pain, thats alli get for doing it, so why on earth would i want more of that? so he has gone out and tried to make sure he didnt hurt me, but in his excitement he forgets everything i have said and he goes about things as per norm, then all i get is the pain yet again!!!!
so if that seems beyond help then ok all it means is that we dont ever have sex again, not what either of us actually wants but if we cant have sex without it hurting me then so be it.
so if that seems beyond help then ok all it means is that we dont ever have sex again, not what either of us actually wants but if we cant have sex without it hurting me then so be it.
Well if your children weren't conceived in a lovely, intimate way were you enjoyed it, and him for that matter....which was years ago I certainly don't see that happening now. Like I said before, you still keep on about it...and taking an attitude with everyone on her about your problem when all we're doing is trying to help. You don't seem to want help...if you had you would have done something about it by now instead of continuing to moan about it and knock down everyone's ideas...which are good ideas. You seem beyond help to me, and I don't think you even want any for that matter.
for yourinfo no he hasnt got anyone else, i know this for a fact as apart from being at work he doesnt got out without me ever!!!
as for us having kids yes we have 3, why are you surprised? the first two where conceived when i was asleep!!! probably the third aswell. but yes we had sex, painful for me sex, but i thought that was normal, and yes your right we are nothing more than room mates, not that either of us wants that but with this problem with me its very difficult due to the fact that he dont want to have sex with me because it feels like hes raping me.
as for us having kids yes we have 3, why are you surprised? the first two where conceived when i was asleep!!! probably the third aswell. but yes we had sex, painful for me sex, but i thought that was normal, and yes your right we are nothing more than room mates, not that either of us wants that but with this problem with me its very difficult due to the fact that he dont want to have sex with me because it feels like hes raping me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone else on the side. If he hasn't touched you since October, then he's getting it from somewhere else. Men have needs, and if you don't have the same womanly needs, then you need to get help. He's probably over it, and hasn't left yet because you have children. What I'm surprised about is that you have children - so obviously sex hasn't always been an issue. You clearly have issues, and you need to have them resolved. I hope, for the sake of your children, that you stop being so psychotic and learn to grow up. You don't want advice, you don't want to fix things, and even if you did it's way beyond being fixed at the point. A wife takes care of her husband, and a husband takes care of his wife. The fact that neither of you are taking care of one another shows that you are nothing more than merely roommates at this point. Save yourself both a lot of trouble and split up. Do you really want your children growing up to believe that this is how a relationship works?
I think you are being unfair to everyone on here. You are on a forum where most people really are trying to help but you are not seeking any positive advice. Good luck with your future.
beleive what you want, but i have been trying to come up with any questions and i cant think of anything, well nothing that i havent already asked beforehand and not got a striaght truthful answer for
lets face it, you're not going to do the questionnaire. If you were, then you would have at least attempted to do something already. Only you can help this situation now, not us.
a questionnaire can be something as small as like 4 or 5 questions. All you have to do is put questions on things that you would want answers to, or think hubby might. It's meant to be personal to you and your situation and so it isn't for is to state what you should or should't put in it. It's us with the problem.
sorry but i thought a questionaire involved many more questions than the amount stated above? i am willing i just dont know how or where to start thats all, ok so what questions do i ask other than the examples given before
Are you actually being serious?? The last poster already suggested questions....you could easily just use those examples. You really are NOT willing to take any help or suggestions from anyone....which you really should do if this situation is going to get any better.
I'm starting think you are just looking for the attention, but nothing any of us says you are willing to take on board. I think you need professional help, whether or not you would actually listen to a professional though i'm not sure.
I'm starting think you are just looking for the attention, but nothing any of us says you are willing to take on board. I think you need professional help, whether or not you would actually listen to a professional though i'm not sure.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Sexual Health Community
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
Men need to feel wanted almost as much or just as much as a woman does. Especially if their self esteem isn't that great. It works both ways.
If you don't feel sexy, you don't feel attractive to your spouse, you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel really wanted, you feel their somethings lacking... It makes sense that both people would feel that way and it's naive to think it would be just you.
No one has all the answers and your husband probably doesn't even know where to begin. Then you factor in work and kids if you have any. If you have kids, especially ones not in school, it's hard to do anything in the day time/evening.
It doesn't seem like you are open at all with your husband, your assuming he knows these things. I think you need to create a questionaire for you both to fill out so that you can break the ice and begin to understand each other better. Then just trade papers and go over it. I suggest that, because it may be easier than trying to just talk about it, more may get said that way. Questions such as: How do you feel during intercourse with your spouse? Is there something your spouse could do that would help improve your intimacy? How do you think your spouse feels during intercourse? Do you think there is something you do or could do to help their experience? Would you be interested or willing to try something suggested by your spouse? What do you think your sexual relationship with your spouse should be like? What makes you feel wanted by your spouse?
You have to try to get back on the same page. If you aren't connecting sexually then more than likely you aren't that happpy. And if you really feel a conflict there and love your husband then you should want to do whatever you could before your relationship totally goes down the tubes. You could actually even be resenting your husband(maybe even subconsciously) for not trying or for settling for whatever he can get, when he doesn't even know what you are going through. There are so many things that could be going on. It's hard to pin point exactly what to do. I only hope that you understand what I am saying and can get something out of it.
I hope that things get better for you and your husband, marriage in general, is like another job.