Aa
sex and bad temper
my wife and i are married for 10 years now and lately, for the past 2 years she has become somewhat cold when it comes to sex. she declines my advances 90% of the time even though I only make a pass every week or so. so in a month, we only have sex once or twice, if I'm lucky enough. She make every conceivable excuses. I dont know if the problem is with me, but lately, because frustration I'm becoming bad tempered the whole day whenever i was rejected the night before.I really can't help it and its really messing things up. I think the problem is complicated. There is absolutely no third party involved. i want to know if the problem is more with me or with her, and how can i along with this situation? Please post some opinions. Im 37 y.o. and she's 36.
well thanks! .Thats a nice suggestion I'll include it in my to do list. But you know, things are getting better now, Just getting a nice and funny conversation on a relaxing evening surely leads to marital wonders later in the night.
I'll keep you posted on developments, (but not a blow-by-blow account, heheh)
I'll keep you posted on developments, (but not a blow-by-blow account, heheh)
Nice job fellas!! You both raise excellent points and seem to understand a little about women that (unfortunately) a lot of men don't. Now I can only speak for myself here considering I don't know your wife, but sex for me is emotional as well as physical so the poster who said that hit the nail on the head. Romance does tend to dwindle after a while in a lot of marriages and it is both of your jobs to keep that flame going. Yes, we tend to let that part of our marriage go because we find ourselves so wrapped in our jobs, kids, house, etc but it is something that can be fixed. To start off, I would suggest surprising your wife with flowers. Get some rose petals and draw her a candlelit bath filled with the petals and spreading some out on the bed. Make a path leading to the bedroom if you want. Light candles all over the bedroom and just set the tone. Have some soft music playing and some wine if you guys like that sort of thing. Make it ALL about her. Start off by giving her a really nice massage (with oil) and make sure to kiss every inch of her body while giving the massage.
I read somewhere that a back rub from someone you love relieves stress and lowers blood pressure and also releases endorphins making you happy, so hopefully this will guarantee you a wonderful night with the wife. Most importantly, especially if it works, keep doing things like this. Tell her to go sit down and relax while you cook dinner. Small gestures like that will do wonders and feed that "emotional" need that we desire.
I hope you will keep us posted on how it goes... I wish you the best!
I read somewhere that a back rub from someone you love relieves stress and lowers blood pressure and also releases endorphins making you happy, so hopefully this will guarantee you a wonderful night with the wife. Most importantly, especially if it works, keep doing things like this. Tell her to go sit down and relax while you cook dinner. Small gestures like that will do wonders and feed that "emotional" need that we desire.
I hope you will keep us posted on how it goes... I wish you the best!
You wrote:
"Well thanx man for the good advice and by the way, forget about that maegan thing. Im just trying too be cool heheheh!"
For a moment I was thinking, hmm that might be possible. hehe.
"Well thanx man for the good advice and by the way, forget about that maegan thing. Im just trying too be cool heheheh!"
For a moment I was thinking, hmm that might be possible. hehe.
You wrote:
Maybe I'm just pinning the blame on her when in reality it's all about me and my atttiude towards her and towards sex
No. I wasn't pointing out blame anywhere. You said you wanted more sex. I was only trying to bring you more sex.
Your marriage sounds evenly balanced between your wife and you. I think you have a wonderful thing with her.
No one is to blame, it happens in most marriages. So much goes on people forget that the spark is also important to keep hot. Then later we're 65 yrs old, yelling at each other for the TV remote and where did it go? We forget what the romance was. Of course people love each other to no end but remembering the spark and it's equally divided between both of you, not all your responsibility, is also important. Keeping it alive not just living takes a bit of extra work because it fades out so slowly we don't even see it. It doesn't have to be every day, maybe once a week or twice a month just to help each other remember you are married for a reason.
So many people change after kids and say now it's all about the kids. I thought it was all about the family which the husband and wife are also a part of?
Even the romance if all the time can become routine so mixing it up is good to sometimes to give it a break too, just to notice it when it's there and to be missed when it not there.
If it were not equal and you to blame, she'd be picking on you all the time about not doing this or that anymore like you used to. It just sounds like the normal thing that happens in marriage where the spark is side tracked by family life. It's not just sex that slips away slowly. And does not mean any love was lost. People get side tracked.
I don't see a single thing abnormal between you two. Just a busy life that puts off some things.
The odd thing is... If I were talking to her and if she was stressing that there is not enough romance, ect... I would probable tell her to give her husband lots of amazing sex and he will return with the romance... Men and women are different. Our brains are hard wired differently. I think it happened to both of you evenly. It happens to all of us. But then we remember and bring it back. :)
It took me 20 years to understand all this. I notice older couples in their 70's and 80's cuddling up in a restaurant or going for icecream. They walk like the day they started dating. The spark is so hot and alive in them. It's not to common to see it because people forget. Nobody is to blame, busy lives are nobody fault. We work hard to give our families the best we can.
Relationships need more than love. Like a job they need some work and maintenance too.
When I hear you saying "because frustration I'm becoming bad tempered the whole day whenever i was rejected the night before", it leads to another frustration, and then you act different, she acts different, ect... You're not being rejected. I'm pretty sure her declining sex has nothing to do with rejection. For us sex is about feeling good, it's a bit different for some women. I believe some women give us sex in return because they like the emotions that come before it when I think some women could care less about sex. They prefer the holding and kissing, cuddling ect... Sex is a part of that so they enjoy it but I don't think that's primary for women. For us men sex is our goal and the rest is mushy stuff. So the women give us sex and we give them the mushy stuff, kissing and ect... Don't get me wrong men like the mushy stuff and women like the sex, but what we choose to be most important is often slightly different. But whats important is when were together we are sharing all of it together and able to give to our partners what they want.
I've have a pretty chaotic life and romance is hard to fit in. I try all the time to make time for it. As important as anything else I do, I try to keep it going. It's one of the easiest things to skip.
It's strange because I see men (not relating to you) kindle the relationships early on, forget the romance, women become distant and frustrated, start to pick on the men, then men try to buy presents for the women to make them happy, but actually it's a distraction from what the women really want, the emotional mushy stuff. I don't know where it goes?
You wrote: "I think the problem is complicated".
Should be simple. :) I see lots more of what you want soon.
Maybe I'm just pinning the blame on her when in reality it's all about me and my atttiude towards her and towards sex
No. I wasn't pointing out blame anywhere. You said you wanted more sex. I was only trying to bring you more sex.
Your marriage sounds evenly balanced between your wife and you. I think you have a wonderful thing with her.
No one is to blame, it happens in most marriages. So much goes on people forget that the spark is also important to keep hot. Then later we're 65 yrs old, yelling at each other for the TV remote and where did it go? We forget what the romance was. Of course people love each other to no end but remembering the spark and it's equally divided between both of you, not all your responsibility, is also important. Keeping it alive not just living takes a bit of extra work because it fades out so slowly we don't even see it. It doesn't have to be every day, maybe once a week or twice a month just to help each other remember you are married for a reason.
So many people change after kids and say now it's all about the kids. I thought it was all about the family which the husband and wife are also a part of?
Even the romance if all the time can become routine so mixing it up is good to sometimes to give it a break too, just to notice it when it's there and to be missed when it not there.
If it were not equal and you to blame, she'd be picking on you all the time about not doing this or that anymore like you used to. It just sounds like the normal thing that happens in marriage where the spark is side tracked by family life. It's not just sex that slips away slowly. And does not mean any love was lost. People get side tracked.
I don't see a single thing abnormal between you two. Just a busy life that puts off some things.
The odd thing is... If I were talking to her and if she was stressing that there is not enough romance, ect... I would probable tell her to give her husband lots of amazing sex and he will return with the romance... Men and women are different. Our brains are hard wired differently. I think it happened to both of you evenly. It happens to all of us. But then we remember and bring it back. :)
It took me 20 years to understand all this. I notice older couples in their 70's and 80's cuddling up in a restaurant or going for icecream. They walk like the day they started dating. The spark is so hot and alive in them. It's not to common to see it because people forget. Nobody is to blame, busy lives are nobody fault. We work hard to give our families the best we can.
Relationships need more than love. Like a job they need some work and maintenance too.
When I hear you saying "because frustration I'm becoming bad tempered the whole day whenever i was rejected the night before", it leads to another frustration, and then you act different, she acts different, ect... You're not being rejected. I'm pretty sure her declining sex has nothing to do with rejection. For us sex is about feeling good, it's a bit different for some women. I believe some women give us sex in return because they like the emotions that come before it when I think some women could care less about sex. They prefer the holding and kissing, cuddling ect... Sex is a part of that so they enjoy it but I don't think that's primary for women. For us men sex is our goal and the rest is mushy stuff. So the women give us sex and we give them the mushy stuff, kissing and ect... Don't get me wrong men like the mushy stuff and women like the sex, but what we choose to be most important is often slightly different. But whats important is when were together we are sharing all of it together and able to give to our partners what they want.
I've have a pretty chaotic life and romance is hard to fit in. I try all the time to make time for it. As important as anything else I do, I try to keep it going. It's one of the easiest things to skip.
It's strange because I see men (not relating to you) kindle the relationships early on, forget the romance, women become distant and frustrated, start to pick on the men, then men try to buy presents for the women to make them happy, but actually it's a distraction from what the women really want, the emotional mushy stuff. I don't know where it goes?
You wrote: "I think the problem is complicated".
Should be simple. :) I see lots more of what you want soon.
well, thanks man, it surely is a nice piece of advice. Maybe I'm just pinning the blame on her when in reality it's all about me and my atttiude towards her and towards sex. I just have come to grasp that we just dont have the same attitude towards sex. I should be the one to make some kind of compromise. Yes, while we can say that having actual sex with your partner is an integral part of a happy marriage, intimacy and romance has a lot much to offer psychologically and physically. I admit, I usually skip that part and just go straight to the point, which is in retrospect, a very blunt and tactless move. but dont get me wrong, I respect her and I dont force myself into her. Whenever she says no, I just say"okay". Maybe its a reality in marriage that many things in life become too trivial. I cook for her, I cook for the whole family for that matter. I do household chores, look after the kids, when they come home from school. I prepare coffee for her, everyday. She's nuts with coffee. Its a daily routine for us that we may not regard this an extra sweet gesture. It just happens in our daily co-existence. I think that's the same with our attitude towards sex. It has become too trivial that we come to overlook its significance and impact on our marriage.
Well thanx man for the good advice and by the way, forget about that maegan thing. Im just trying too be cool heheheh!
Well thanx man for the good advice and by the way, forget about that maegan thing. Im just trying too be cool heheheh!
The kids sleeping in your room, that's ok until they are old enough to sleep in their own rooms. You still have your time but kids share it. It's important to still be together too.
"having sex with her on weekdays is actually like arranging a date with Maegan Fox!"
Keeping a Woman happy is constant hard work. Many men don't realize just how far they go in early dating mode to win a woman. It fades off so slowly over time we don't realize how much more emotion and effort we put in to relationships. It's that effort the make women in the mood. It's more the effort I think not what we actually do.
Do you make her feel extra important all the time? How often do you had her just sit down and kiss, women love that.
Women just like men have attraction too. Your still very young, are you working out and keeping in great shape for her? It helps! We tend to loose time to stay in top shape after the house and espically kids come in to play.
But sometimes even when you do it all some women and I think it's rare because most of the time I think the men stop doing their part for romance but in some cases women seem to loose sexual desire after children I see sometimes. It's hard to feel super sexy and run a family and job being tired all the time.
I think if you tease her with hot romance, keep working out, you can get her to start making the first moves again. And maybe keep sex shorter not to wear her out too much so she doesn't think it will be so tiring on week days.
It used to be a joke friends and I used to say, sex is great until you are married. 5 more days of sex and then it's over. Kids shouldn't affect a sexual relationship, sometimes it can add to the excitement of sneaking it from the kids.
I think most of the time men are the ones responsible for cutting back on the romance leading to lack of sex in return. I find I need to remind my self to keep the romance going too.
Try to make her feel extra sexy and maybe that extra energy will flow your way. Just like when men are single trying to do anything to win over a woman they jump through a lot of hoops to make the woman want them. Even sometimes a challenge. This doesn't end in marriage women still need this. You kind of need to be a woman to understand that. I really don't understand it my self, just know that it's important to women and that's all that I need to know and do it for them.
Make her feel she is the most special woman in the world every day. You can't go wrong with that and more than sex will come your way.
If you start doing this and she asks if you are taking drugs or feeling ok something like that, then you know for sure at some point the relationship lost that sizzle, and it's now coming back!!! :)
Change the mood up to with sex, make it HOT, Fun, loving and romantic, keep switching it up?
When was the last time you just started kissing her neck or deep kissing out side of the bedroom? If you don't know that's well part of the problem. If you do then that is good keep doing it.
Women are more work then kids. But keeping women happy isn't expensive, and not hard labor. They just need to feel important and extra loved, and that's not really much work at all.
And lastly it can also be hormonal after children or with age but maybe other women can comment on that. This is an area I don't know anything about.
You have nothing to loose by doing all the above.
The kids do add a new stress when they come knocking on the door all the time because you want to be there for them all the time. That's normal and shouldn't turn the kids away. And late at night is hard because you get tired with work. Maybe early in the morning before the kids wake up might work. Can't always plan when both of you are in the mood. So it gets a little tricky when kids are in the picture.
But now work on building up her desire. I think the rest will all fall in to place.
Being tired is a real damper on sex. That's also hard to get around. Sleep is really important too. Many woman feel more energy in the morning after a full night sleep.
"having sex with her on weekdays is actually like arranging a date with Maegan Fox!"
Keeping a Woman happy is constant hard work. Many men don't realize just how far they go in early dating mode to win a woman. It fades off so slowly over time we don't realize how much more emotion and effort we put in to relationships. It's that effort the make women in the mood. It's more the effort I think not what we actually do.
Do you make her feel extra important all the time? How often do you had her just sit down and kiss, women love that.
Women just like men have attraction too. Your still very young, are you working out and keeping in great shape for her? It helps! We tend to loose time to stay in top shape after the house and espically kids come in to play.
But sometimes even when you do it all some women and I think it's rare because most of the time I think the men stop doing their part for romance but in some cases women seem to loose sexual desire after children I see sometimes. It's hard to feel super sexy and run a family and job being tired all the time.
I think if you tease her with hot romance, keep working out, you can get her to start making the first moves again. And maybe keep sex shorter not to wear her out too much so she doesn't think it will be so tiring on week days.
It used to be a joke friends and I used to say, sex is great until you are married. 5 more days of sex and then it's over. Kids shouldn't affect a sexual relationship, sometimes it can add to the excitement of sneaking it from the kids.
I think most of the time men are the ones responsible for cutting back on the romance leading to lack of sex in return. I find I need to remind my self to keep the romance going too.
Try to make her feel extra sexy and maybe that extra energy will flow your way. Just like when men are single trying to do anything to win over a woman they jump through a lot of hoops to make the woman want them. Even sometimes a challenge. This doesn't end in marriage women still need this. You kind of need to be a woman to understand that. I really don't understand it my self, just know that it's important to women and that's all that I need to know and do it for them.
Make her feel she is the most special woman in the world every day. You can't go wrong with that and more than sex will come your way.
If you start doing this and she asks if you are taking drugs or feeling ok something like that, then you know for sure at some point the relationship lost that sizzle, and it's now coming back!!! :)
Change the mood up to with sex, make it HOT, Fun, loving and romantic, keep switching it up?
When was the last time you just started kissing her neck or deep kissing out side of the bedroom? If you don't know that's well part of the problem. If you do then that is good keep doing it.
Women are more work then kids. But keeping women happy isn't expensive, and not hard labor. They just need to feel important and extra loved, and that's not really much work at all.
And lastly it can also be hormonal after children or with age but maybe other women can comment on that. This is an area I don't know anything about.
You have nothing to loose by doing all the above.
The kids do add a new stress when they come knocking on the door all the time because you want to be there for them all the time. That's normal and shouldn't turn the kids away. And late at night is hard because you get tired with work. Maybe early in the morning before the kids wake up might work. Can't always plan when both of you are in the mood. So it gets a little tricky when kids are in the picture.
But now work on building up her desire. I think the rest will all fall in to place.
Being tired is a real damper on sex. That's also hard to get around. Sleep is really important too. Many woman feel more energy in the morning after a full night sleep.
Thanks! You're absolutely right. There are many factors that comes to play with women when it comes to sex. While when comes to us guys - when its on its on when its off its off. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from her since she is after all, my wife. I really miss the days when she actually make the first move, whenever and wherever. And yes! she was quite adventurous! Gone were the days :( . Well actually, you're right again, the romance is missing. We don't have enough time to perform our respective jobs for the day (I, a computer shop owner and pc technician & she a public school teacher) let alone have time for each other. I'm just glad we're able to squeeze some time for our kids. And yes, the kids. We are too much focused on the kids which is good. But I think that's not enough reason for her to be sexually unresponsive as she is today. She would almost always sleep with the kids in their room or have the kids sleep in our room. Thats a very good excuse! Another of her excuse is work related She is always complaining that her work is draining so much energy from her, so that having sex with her on weekdays is actually like arranging a date with Maegan Fox! LOL. Im not forcing her though and i particularly dont like forced sex. i just dont enjoy it. Another is her health, she would be complaining of headaches, dizziness and whatnot. But most of al, she would made me feel that she is always giving me a favor when she relents. i think its unfair. it should be a natural thing for any married couple as long as it is mutual, meaning giving as much as i take. I make it a point that she is satisfied whenever the opportunity materializes. And hell I love her!
Maybe i said just about enough.
Maybe i said just about enough.
I'm a man, and from a mans perspective I found with women its emotional. It can be anything causing her to have stress which will put her out of the mood. It's not the same as a man not wanting sex which has to do with sex. Women.... Can be anything unrelated too.
I would listen to her excuses. Maybe you could post some of the excuses for the women here to respond to.
Does she have a job? It is stressful? Is she tired? Do you and her have stress on other subjects. Everything to a woman can affect sexual relationships. Completely different from men. When a man doesn't want sex we look for motive relating to sex. When a woman doesn't want sex it might not have anything to do with sex or even the partner.
The worst thing you can do is push her to have sex. If she is not in the mood let it go. Don't make her feel worst about it, it can push it off longer. Try to be understanding about it, see if maybe she will come to you to talk about it.
Is there romance anymore? Women need that forever. I've seen stress at work wipe out sexual relationships. My friend and his wife had a very active daily sexual relationship until his wife was promoted at her job. The stress reduced their activity to twice a month so they tell me. However right now they are not having sex at all recently they said (discussing kids). Their about 32-34 years old. And a very happy marriage too. I think for them work is the cause. Their exhausted all the time. But that doesn't explain weekends. Maybe people get tired of it? I don't know. I also know much older couples that are steady like clockwork.
But women I think it's a state of mind. All factors need to be there for the engine to run. For men all the woman need to do is remove her clothing. lol.
I don't think it's all that complicated. Listen to her, and understand it might not be related to sex. Is she annoyed at anything? Are the two of you having hard times in the economy now?
Please post the reasons she gave you.
I would listen to her excuses. Maybe you could post some of the excuses for the women here to respond to.
Does she have a job? It is stressful? Is she tired? Do you and her have stress on other subjects. Everything to a woman can affect sexual relationships. Completely different from men. When a man doesn't want sex we look for motive relating to sex. When a woman doesn't want sex it might not have anything to do with sex or even the partner.
The worst thing you can do is push her to have sex. If she is not in the mood let it go. Don't make her feel worst about it, it can push it off longer. Try to be understanding about it, see if maybe she will come to you to talk about it.
Is there romance anymore? Women need that forever. I've seen stress at work wipe out sexual relationships. My friend and his wife had a very active daily sexual relationship until his wife was promoted at her job. The stress reduced their activity to twice a month so they tell me. However right now they are not having sex at all recently they said (discussing kids). Their about 32-34 years old. And a very happy marriage too. I think for them work is the cause. Their exhausted all the time. But that doesn't explain weekends. Maybe people get tired of it? I don't know. I also know much older couples that are steady like clockwork.
But women I think it's a state of mind. All factors need to be there for the engine to run. For men all the woman need to do is remove her clothing. lol.
I don't think it's all that complicated. Listen to her, and understand it might not be related to sex. Is she annoyed at anything? Are the two of you having hard times in the economy now?
Please post the reasons she gave you.
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