Am I Normal?

I have been married for 16 years.  I love my husband with all my heart.  But, I have NEVER been able to have a "normal" orgasm.  I can have one if he "massages" me, but not while having sex.  WHY????  Should I be concerned?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello. As you can see from the many similar questions in this forum, this is a common concern among women. I'm assuming that when you refer to "having sex," you mean penis-vagina (p-v) sex. Most women feel pressure to orgasm during p-v sex, and wouldn't you know? Most of us DON'T get the kind of stimulation needed to orgasm from that alone, yet we feel that it's somehow the only “real” orgasm. How's that for irony? Please be assured that there's no such thing as "normal" orgasms. There are many ways that women orgasm--the most effective being direct clitoral stimulation. However, the clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion!

A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (glands) (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!

While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?

Some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation are:

• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
  Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.

For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT move in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.

Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Watch out that you don’t put unrealistic goals on yourself. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by. First learn about your own body and then share that knowledge with your partner, and you’ll soon be having “yummy sex”! Dr. J