Arousal issues

[fluff198]

Greetings, all.  Got a very important question for you.  I just turned 20, and recently became sexually active.  Before this time, I masturbated at least twice a week, with no issues.  Keep this in mind.  I started having sex and I've found that, usually right in the middle of sex, I just lose my erection without ejaculating.  We've tried multiple times, doing different things, and we both know how to turn each other on.  Nothing's working.  Also, I've found that I can't even masturbate successfully anymore, even with pornography on.  I feel like I've hit a mental block.  I'm frustrated, distraught, and I feel like I'm not an adequate man.  What is wrong with me?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    It is possible that you are depressed. Are there other things in your life that are distracting you or making you anxious or sad?  If so, losing your sexual energy and interest would not be uncommon.  Also, are you taking any anti depression medicines? Or any medicine?  There are some compounds that depress sexual interest and ability. It is also possible, that when you lost your erection the first time ( a common occurance ) you got upset and worried that it would happen again. Sometimes worrying about something makes it more likely to happen-- and then it starts to happen involuntarily.  If this is the cause, I would suggest that you just relax, fondle each other, and don't attempt intercourse for awhile, When you get an erection just enjoy it and don't try to have an ejaculation. Get used to having an erection again and after awhile it should naturally be arousing and insistent enough to have regular intercourse again.  The likliest explanation is that you do have a mental block- and so you have to relax and not put any performance demands on yourself to inhibit yourself. The tough part about these situations is that the worse you feel, the worse you perform. You have to relax, figure it's temporary and mental, and just enjoy touching, kissing etc for awhile. Loss or erections in young men like yourself is almost always emotionally caused, a habit that starts to form that can be changed by getting out of the cycle of worry, anxiety, and self consciousness.


  If you can't seem to figure this out and your erections don't come back naturally after a month or , then you might want to see a physician and see if there is any systemic problem that needs to be addressed. I doubt it as physical causes, but you can't rule anything out. Most probably, however, this is psychological. Consult a therapist if you don't think you can change your mind set by yourself. I do think its possible however just to relax, enjoy being sensual, pleasure your girlfriend, and not push yourself to try intercourse or masturbation until it seems easy and unfrightening. When you do get erections you can touch yourself, enjoy sexual imagery, but not try to have an orgasm.Give it a little time, at least a month, before you go and seek any professional help.

[alpaca]

Its anxiety. It feeds on itself and you become increasingly anxious which is of course bad for your erection. Hopefully your girlfriend will be understanding. Try not attempting to hold it in. That can help. You just need things to work a few times and then you will relax about the whole thing. I had the same problem and it eventually went away.

[Opuddy]

Alpaca is right you do have an anxiety overload. And the more that you try to become sexually active with your gf  the greater your anxiety will become. All of us men share the same problem that you are going through these days. Welcome to the "Failed Erection Club". You said that you just became sexually active, by that you mean boy/girl active. Right. Oh! Yes, Masturbation was great without a gf and even when one comes along. What most men don't quite understand, is that me set ourselves up for erection failure long before our Sweetheart comes along..We have trained our penis to come PDQ, Pretty- Damn-Quick. That's what a penis it's taught to do, And they are pretty obedient, when it comes to quick ejaculations. As for the lose of an erection within the vagina, look at it this way. When you Masturbate by hand you have a firm grip on the penis, also you are vigorously stroking the penis,none of the above is happening within the vagina. And without a continuing, ongoing, vigorous penile stimulation. No penis, inside or outside the vagina will maintain it's erection. It's just the way those darn penises are made. So why not change your mind-set, being as sex isn't always about if one's penis works or if it doesn't work You got Eleven other Penises, to please a woman'a Joytoy, vagina. You got eight fingers,two thumbs, and best of all an oral penis, your tongue. Hey! None of those other penises have erection failure, nor will let a woman down. Me I love doing oral, as it's the nicest way to tell a woman ,"I LOVE YOU" Also the scent of her body can often induce the needed erection at the right time to vaginally please her. your gf may just be that one out of three women who cannot have an orgasm by indirect  clitoral stimulation, So no matter if you did keep an erection, with your penis stroking her vagina, she still wouldn't have an orgasm. That is why oral-sex is great, because your tongue is directly stroking her clitoris, And she'll have an orgasm most everytime. Get some good book to read, you both need them