This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My boyfriend and I had sex around 3 or 4 times a day for the first six or seven months of our relationship. This continued until I got pregnant with my son. My son is now 13 months old, and his dad NEVER wants to have sex! He spends most of his time on his computer, and when I tell him I feel neglected, he tells me that I know he loves me and that he doesn't ever want to have sex because he "got used to not getting it" while I was pregnant. I am SO tired of going to bed alone becasue he is on the computer....I keep asking him why me and his son come second to his computer games, and each time he tells me that he is sorry he makes me feel this way and that he loves me!!! How the heck can you love someone and basically ignore them??? I can't picture my life without him but I am getting really tired of not being shown that he loves me, in any way, not just sexually. Is there anything I can do to fix this relationship? I have no idea why he is being this way!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening to you. Please realize you’re not alone. Having a baby means big changes in relationships—and sex is often the first thing to disappear until a couple can make adjustments to this new life. It doesn’t happen by magic; it requires the two of you to sit down and talk about it. You ask what you can do to “fix” the relationship. You alone aren’t responsible for fixing anything. The two of you are in it together, and it will require the two of you to make it work.
You state that you have no idea why your partner is ignoring you. Unless you’re a mind-reader, how could you? You haven’t asked him. Let’s look at some possible contributing factors.
If you think back to when your baby was born, you might recall that you had eyes only for him. New mothers are very bonded with their baby; and sometimes partners feel left out, but they feel guilty about expressing it, so they withdraw. Your partner may feel abandoned, but he has no one to talk with about it. If this continues, it can lead to lots of unexpressed anger and resentment.
Once you became pregnant, your partner may have been unable to relate to you sexually, and now that you’re a mom, this may be continuing. Many of us get messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that once a woman has a child, she isn’t sexy or desirable, while single women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil, but desirable.
Have you looked at your own contributions to the situation? Being a new mother can be exhausting, and your appearance (not to mention your energy level and disposition) is bound to take a back seat occasionally or even most of the time. Your partner may have had the expectation that everything would be the same as it was when you were dating. If so, this is another area that needs to be discussed.
Your next step now is to approach him with the idea of sitting down to talk. It’s important that you don’t adopt an accusatory or angry manner, but instead are loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you’ll be supportive—and hope he’ll be the same for you. Point out to him that the two of you can work this out together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
well i fail to understand what ur hubby is thinkin.. does becomin a father means a barr to sex...no!!.. not only sex ur husband should not eschew u like that..
he is urs n u hav right to ask every thing.. try n love him.. try n play games or what ever
he does on computer... help him in every way u can.. adapt to his enviurnoment and bring him back..just stay with him but not stick to him...give him room..thats the only way out i can figure
I would let him have his time for games...but tell him you want to spend time with him too...and so does his son. Why not ask him to put together a schedule...so you guys can better utilize your free time. Just tell him how you feel and I'm sure he'll agree...
Well, we talked a little over the weekend about it and decided to try doing more stuff together. He went to the local movie rental place and got a membership! We both picked out movies we wanted and decided to have a movie night, where we each got to watch a movie we wanted to, with the other person! So, this of course might not be a significant change, I feel that it is a step in the right direction!
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