This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My boyfriend has been masturbating in bed next to me for quite awhile now. I have been afraid to say anything because he gets very defensive and I don't want him to feel shame. The most distressing part is this... I told him that I wanted him twice in one week and he refused, claiming he was tired. About 10 minutes later, he started masturbating.He will masturbate for a straight 2.5-3 hours and when he gets close to orgasm he will stop, but only for a minute. (Maybe that's why he's tired!!) I'm tired too, because I'm so disturbed by this that I can't sleep. He obviously has no clue that I know. I need to talk to him about this, but I want to be confident. I'm pretty positive he will deny it at first. HELP!!!
Your question is quite complex and not easily answered within the brief format of this forum, so my answers may seem a bit abrupt.
First of all, realize that some women have an inaccurate idea that once they're in a relationship, their partner will only want to have sex with them, and no longer with themselves. However, it's quite common for people to enjoy both partner sex and self-pleasuring. It may be that your BF just wants to be sexual with himself sometimes when you want to have sex with him, and it has nothing to do with you. In fact, there’s only one way to find out, and you sound very intelligent, so I’m sure you know what it is: ask him. More about that later.
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage. If your BF is avoiding all sex with you, that's a clear signal that something's wrong. There are too many possibilities to list here, such as fear of intimacy, boredom, confusion about sexual orientation, etc.
So back to asking him what’s going on. The best way to go about this is in a calm, nonconfrontational way. If you accuse him of neglect and attack him, he’ll get defensive, with predictable results. I recommend you sit down, remind him how much you love him, tell him what you’ve observed and tell him of your worries. ask him how the TWO of you can work through this. It may be difficult for him to talk about it initially, so keep reassuring him that you don't think he's doing anything wrong--you're just worried that he doesn't want you for some reason and you need some reassurance. Best of luck to you. Dr.J
oh i would def let him know u know what he is doing.. it is normal for both men and women to masterbate.. but if he is not giving you sex i would def bring this problem up to him.. or next time he is masterbating in bed... just roll over and help him and see where that takes you.. communication..
Thanks! I appreciate the advice, but I have tried helping out and he pulls away, pretendting to be sleeping. We do have sex, but the fact that on the nights I actually ask for it he would rather roll over and use his own hand bothers me.
I know how you feel about this but as it's been mentioned talk to him first and try to let him know how you feel about him masturbating instead of havibg sex with you. I'm sure your not having sex to often because he is to tired from his self plesure. Don't worry you will get some after communticatin!
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