Aa
Boyfriend troubles
I was just wondering why my boyfriend of 4 and a half years always uses porn from the internet to get off with instead of having sex with me. I think he maybe even havng cyber sex with other women online? Is there anything i can do? Any suggestions would be helpful. I love having sex but its seems like he always waits till i am gone and takes matters into his own hands. What do i do ? Am i doing something to turn him off, not being sexy enough? Please help.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You are not even part of this problem. Porn is fine for additional excitement- but it is never a continuing replacement for a real live partner. Your boyfriend probably likes some kind of sexual imagery that you cannot provide- and probably wouldn't want to. It could be gay, or S and M or with underage women- or who knows? You don't really have to know- all you do know is he is having sex by himself and not with you-- and that kind of rejection is not healthy. If he did this occasionallyu and the two of you had an active, fulfilling sex life then it wouldn't be an issue. But it IS an issue when you are not having sex together often or at all. I think you should be in the market for a new man if he can't give you the focus, time and desire that you deserve.
Porn is a distraction. Men use porn like drugs, food, sports, television, or any other non-relevant distraction - to help them avoid dealing with problems. Additionally, pornography is a particularly strong stimulant for particulalry addictive personalities. The reason being that every picture / video viewed is a constant mental sexual stimulant that requires absolutely NO effort on the part of the man. Pictures don't require foreplay, they don't require effort, and they certainly don't judge. So, pornography offers men a complete escape from reality in which the simple visual stimulation is enough to achieve a fleeting sexual gratification (few men actually fantasize about previous porn-viewing or remembers a masturbatory experience with fondness as they do their actual sexual experiences).
We, men, often see sex as a power-related issue. When you are with a partner who is willing and able to satisfy your sexual urges without question, then you have a fantasy (and many men have had that kind of relationship, or think they did, a LONG time ago in their past). But, there is no way that such a thing can last. But, with porn, men can engage mentally in ANY kind of activity with ANY kind of partner they want - and such a thing, even fleeting and unreal as it is, is often very difficult to disengage from.
A few research papers have been published which show that, for many (men and women), viewing sensual art, pictures, and the like (pornography or not) stimulates dopamine production in the brain and gives the viewer a bit of a high. For some, that neurochemical production is a powerful stimulant and is one that people (particularly men) "chase".
Sex with a partner is an excellent way of producing dopamine. But, ONLY if you are feeling secure and able. Sexual confidence for men is painfully fragile. We all maintain a belief that if our penis isn't "big enough" then there is NO WAY we can possibly satisfy our partners - no matter what technique we use or how "good" we are in bed. Additionally, if we don't believe that we're the BIGGEST penis that our wives, girlfriends have ever had personally, then there's no way we could possibly compare - as if penis size actually means skill or connection in bed. Of course, logically, none of this makes sense. But, psychologically, it doesn't have to - all we have to have had is ONE girl tell us that we aren't good, one person laugh or point and say that we have a small penis, one person to tell us that we don't know what we're doing or that, god forbid, they have "faked it" with us and we're nearly permanently scarred.
Additionally, porn is ready to stimulate us if we are happy or sad, depressed or elated. It NEVER has emotions, it never has needs, it is simply a stimulant that we use to get a little bit high, to distract us from our lives and problems, and to resolve sexual needs that we don't believe can be resolved with our partners.
NONE of this, however, is an excuse. It's not a good reason to tolerate the behavior. Would you tolerate your partner suddenly doing drugs? Suddenly engaging in dangerous behaviors? Would you want your partner to start binge eating / dieting or doing anything that results in problems not only in your relationship but their health? No. You don't. Porn is just as destructive to a relationship and to the mental health and emotional stability between partners as drugs, eating disorders, and danger-seeking behaviors are.
What works is this - talk. Explaining that you want to know why he's using porn. What are the specific needs that porn is filling that your relationship isn't. It's likely that there is no concrete reason. It's also likely that there may be a very specific need or interest that isn't being fulfilled. Regardless, what is important is talking, establishing guidelines, and sticking to them. Porn addiction requires effort, porn substitution for intimacy with a partner requires talk and discussion, and the willingness to stand firm and leave if necessary.
Men grow up with porn, are surrounded by porn, and for nearly every man, the first sexual relationship they have is with porn. Our fathers have it, our friends and brothers have it and the internet has it available at the end of a bookmark. We can't escape it. We can't ignore it, and we can't kill it. Get rid of our computers??? Not really the answer.
What your partner has to do, is make a choice. To actively choose to NOT use porn. To control the impulses that seek a quick fix. Masturbation is easier with visual stimuli for men - it's proven. Men's mental ability to block out non-sexual distractors and create a good and useful fantasy is very difficult - particularly for the unimaginative. Porn on paper or on the screen is the imagination without effort. It's what we would picture, if we could, and it's vivid - it doesn't disappear if we suddenly start thinking about bills or chores, or failures.
Men are sexually fragile - no matter what we say. And those men who are the most aggressive with sex are, ironically, perhaps the most fragile.
Talk to him. Set a line. Be part of the porn if you like. Make a dictum that no porn is allowed in the house, or around you. Tell him that if he uses porn ever again, you will leave. Tell him that it's hurting you. Tell him that you don't care. Whatever you do, make your position clear and stick to it. Use the porn, try to kill the porn, but stick to your guns either way.
Once exposed to and having used porn, a man is very unlikely to ever completley stop. And, there's NO way to turn off the bio-chemical reaction to visual sexual stimuli - it's why we become aroused when we see you (our partners). We see sex, we become sexualized nearly immediately. It's just a matter of personal control.
Good luck
We, men, often see sex as a power-related issue. When you are with a partner who is willing and able to satisfy your sexual urges without question, then you have a fantasy (and many men have had that kind of relationship, or think they did, a LONG time ago in their past). But, there is no way that such a thing can last. But, with porn, men can engage mentally in ANY kind of activity with ANY kind of partner they want - and such a thing, even fleeting and unreal as it is, is often very difficult to disengage from.
A few research papers have been published which show that, for many (men and women), viewing sensual art, pictures, and the like (pornography or not) stimulates dopamine production in the brain and gives the viewer a bit of a high. For some, that neurochemical production is a powerful stimulant and is one that people (particularly men) "chase".
Sex with a partner is an excellent way of producing dopamine. But, ONLY if you are feeling secure and able. Sexual confidence for men is painfully fragile. We all maintain a belief that if our penis isn't "big enough" then there is NO WAY we can possibly satisfy our partners - no matter what technique we use or how "good" we are in bed. Additionally, if we don't believe that we're the BIGGEST penis that our wives, girlfriends have ever had personally, then there's no way we could possibly compare - as if penis size actually means skill or connection in bed. Of course, logically, none of this makes sense. But, psychologically, it doesn't have to - all we have to have had is ONE girl tell us that we aren't good, one person laugh or point and say that we have a small penis, one person to tell us that we don't know what we're doing or that, god forbid, they have "faked it" with us and we're nearly permanently scarred.
Additionally, porn is ready to stimulate us if we are happy or sad, depressed or elated. It NEVER has emotions, it never has needs, it is simply a stimulant that we use to get a little bit high, to distract us from our lives and problems, and to resolve sexual needs that we don't believe can be resolved with our partners.
NONE of this, however, is an excuse. It's not a good reason to tolerate the behavior. Would you tolerate your partner suddenly doing drugs? Suddenly engaging in dangerous behaviors? Would you want your partner to start binge eating / dieting or doing anything that results in problems not only in your relationship but their health? No. You don't. Porn is just as destructive to a relationship and to the mental health and emotional stability between partners as drugs, eating disorders, and danger-seeking behaviors are.
What works is this - talk. Explaining that you want to know why he's using porn. What are the specific needs that porn is filling that your relationship isn't. It's likely that there is no concrete reason. It's also likely that there may be a very specific need or interest that isn't being fulfilled. Regardless, what is important is talking, establishing guidelines, and sticking to them. Porn addiction requires effort, porn substitution for intimacy with a partner requires talk and discussion, and the willingness to stand firm and leave if necessary.
Men grow up with porn, are surrounded by porn, and for nearly every man, the first sexual relationship they have is with porn. Our fathers have it, our friends and brothers have it and the internet has it available at the end of a bookmark. We can't escape it. We can't ignore it, and we can't kill it. Get rid of our computers??? Not really the answer.
What your partner has to do, is make a choice. To actively choose to NOT use porn. To control the impulses that seek a quick fix. Masturbation is easier with visual stimuli for men - it's proven. Men's mental ability to block out non-sexual distractors and create a good and useful fantasy is very difficult - particularly for the unimaginative. Porn on paper or on the screen is the imagination without effort. It's what we would picture, if we could, and it's vivid - it doesn't disappear if we suddenly start thinking about bills or chores, or failures.
Men are sexually fragile - no matter what we say. And those men who are the most aggressive with sex are, ironically, perhaps the most fragile.
Talk to him. Set a line. Be part of the porn if you like. Make a dictum that no porn is allowed in the house, or around you. Tell him that if he uses porn ever again, you will leave. Tell him that it's hurting you. Tell him that you don't care. Whatever you do, make your position clear and stick to it. Use the porn, try to kill the porn, but stick to your guns either way.
Once exposed to and having used porn, a man is very unlikely to ever completley stop. And, there's NO way to turn off the bio-chemical reaction to visual sexual stimuli - it's why we become aroused when we see you (our partners). We see sex, we become sexualized nearly immediately. It's just a matter of personal control.
Good luck
I am pretty much in the same position We have tried counselling and it really helped for a while. He has recognized that he has a problem with porn and has a hard time keeping an erection- even alone. It turns out it is all mental and stress related. However, by giving up the porn as much as he has it seems he has lost his interest in sex all together. I'm sure he still masturbates at times tho he sneaks it because I think he is embarrassed and knows I will not be happy about it. It's one thing to do it as an extra but it's another thing to do it instead of. We are due to get married in May and I am having some doubts. Take your time as I am to be sure if this is really what you want. We have really good communication and an awesome friendship but I really didn't know how important sex was in a relationship until now. I am a good looking woman and I have a pretty good body but I have very low confidence and esteem and this is making it worse. It's not you or what you look like or anything- it is all him. Unfortunately we lose the most from the situation. He loses too but he is unaware I think because he still gets satisfied and women need the physical cantact from the man they love- it's probably more important than the orgasm. Men are mostly about the orgasm. This probably doesn't help you but know you aren't going crazy and you definitely aren't the only woman feeling like this. It's embarrassing and insulting for us- it hurts! If you get it figured out please let me in on the secret. I don't want to lose him or have to give him up especially because he doesn't want sex??? What man doesn't want sex!
It's possible that he gets better orgasms from masturbation. I know I do. Maybe he may just like the variety of seeing different womens bodies.
If he's doing this INSTEAD of having sex with you, then there is definitely a problem. That's where communication comes in. It's possible that he's just not being satisfied and can't discuss it or is afraid of hurting your feelings.
Ask him if theres something you can do different. Maybe look at the porn with him and see if theres a method to his masturbation that you can incorporate into your lovemaking.
If he's doing this INSTEAD of having sex with you, then there is definitely a problem. That's where communication comes in. It's possible that he's just not being satisfied and can't discuss it or is afraid of hurting your feelings.
Ask him if theres something you can do different. Maybe look at the porn with him and see if theres a method to his masturbation that you can incorporate into your lovemaking.
Guys just love porn. I think it's their way of being dirty without actually being dirty. I don't know why he's chosing to abstain from sex with you. My boyfriend watches porn but still wants the real thing. Maybe it has something to do with him personally & not you. You two are in a relationship and relationships can be difficult. But no matter what, always keep the lines of communication open. You have to voice your feelings or you will go around in circles.
Ask him. Just ask him to be totally frank, what is it about sex by himself is better.
It could be almost anything. Maybe he has an embarrassing fetish he hasn't wanted to share, maybe sex takes too much time or becomes too "involved" and he just wants to do it and be done with it and not expend the energy to please you, etc.
This is a deal breaker, it seems like. You need to ask, and be ready to hear what he has to say - and then be ready to maybe move on.
Best wishes. It's interesting that he's not made any real secret of his habit.
It could be almost anything. Maybe he has an embarrassing fetish he hasn't wanted to share, maybe sex takes too much time or becomes too "involved" and he just wants to do it and be done with it and not expend the energy to please you, etc.
This is a deal breaker, it seems like. You need to ask, and be ready to hear what he has to say - and then be ready to maybe move on.
Best wishes. It's interesting that he's not made any real secret of his habit.
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
