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Chronic pain, married, everything hurts including sex
Is abstinence ok when married.I have had chronic pain for years and married even longer.An issue is when my husb. and I have sex it causes me severe pain. Actually just about everything can lead to severe pain alternate techniques, standing, laying down, bending, reaching, sitting at the computer.I have seen many doctors, counselors ect..Being in pain for the rest of my life is probable diagnosis.I am not looking for a diagnosis to pain, I am looking for advice for my marriage.I am seeing a councilor but here goes: when 1st married sex life was normal. then came chronic pain and sex went down hill. Husband strayed out of marriage a few years ago which was difficult and still is sometimes to deal with. He was truely sorry for doing it and as far as I know he hasnt done it since (the doubts come and go). I think I have forgiven him but forgetting is impossible. As for sex I feel like if husband truely loved me he wouldnt be willing to hurt me, but I think that he feels that if grocery shopping hurts and so does sex what is the difference. I have to shop so why not have sex.I know it bothers him to cause me pain, but not enough to not do it.I have tried talking to him about it but the talks always get way off track. I told him if he wants out that I would understand, that I just do not think I can handle the physical pain from having sex, and the mental  guilt of knowing that he is not getting what he wants because of me. he says we have made it this far we should wait a see.  councilor says I need to make decision. vows say till death do us part. Help and thank you
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242520 tn?1211304279

   You need to see another doctor.  If you have pain all the time it might be vulvadynia ( go look this up on the internet) which is a diagnosable problem which makes intercourse painful and also is painful outside of sexual behavior. The fact that you have pain both in and outside of sexual situations mean it is probably biologically caused.. Doctors all used to say vulvadynia was " in your head", now they don't. So go to a women's health clinic-- and find a woman's health specialist who can really give you a good clinical analysis.

   Your relationship is another thing. I do not believe it is fair to ask a partner to be sexless forever for any reason. However- there are a lot of things you can do that don't require intercourse.  You can do oral sex with him- you can touch him to orgasm... in other words- you are not totally incapacitated even if you do not have intercourse.  Why are these activities not being done?

    I understand you have pain at other times than intercourse- but you do have to understand his predicament too- it's not fair to condemn someone to a sexless life-- and you can still be a loving, sexy partner even without intercourse.

   In the meantime, go to a hospital clinic for chronic pain ( almost all academic teaching hospitals have one) and see if there are ways to manage your pain. See a woman's specialist and see if there is something you can do to get over the pain and find out it's origins.. Make this a priority- you don't want your husband to feel like he has to have sex outside his relationship- this is emotionally painful and makes the marriage highly vulnerable.  I know you have a disability and he should respect that... but you should also be doing everything you can to find an answer to it-- for your own sake as well as his!
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To who ever takes care of these boards please feel free to correct catagory. I appoligize if abstinence was the wrong catagory not sure which one to put it under.
Thank You
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Avatar universal
I also have the pain. I became sexually active 2 years ago when I got married. Sex has always hurt me. My gynecologist told me I have vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening). He referred me to a sex therapist. Have you used the plastic dilators? I used them for a few months and I got better enough to have sex. It still hurt some. I had a baby almost 3 months ago and it seems the problem has gotten worse. I just can't relax. I get very nervous. And now I can't even hardly stand for him to use his finger. I'm afraid that if I don't get better, it will eventually ruin my marriage. My husband says he will never leave even if I never get better but I still worry. I feel guilty all the time too. I feel like I'm a disappointment to him. But I am going to use the dilators again and see what happens. You should try that if you haven't yet. I've read that you should NOT have intercourse if it is painful because it can make it worse. Sorry I don't really have any good advice but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. If anyone has had this problem and overcome, please post! We need encouragment!!
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Avatar universal
Hi there,

Have you thought of other forms of sexual gratification.  There are other things you can do to please each other than penetration.  Just a suggestion to possibly still allow some level of intimacy without the pain.  Creativity can be very erotic.

Best of luck.
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Avatar universal
Look up vaginismus.com & join one of the many Yahoo "Vaginismus" groups. There is so much support and encouragment & advice. There are thousands of women with this problem, but many don't even know it. Even gyn's don't understand it. I've seen 20 gyn's, and it still took me 17 years before I discovered the diagnosis.
You mentioned other pain? though it could be connected to the sexual pain, it also could be something entirely different. you may want to check into Fibromyalgia CFS/CFIDS as well.
Guilt is a normal feeling, so is anger, vaginismus can cause a multitude of problems. Just remember its not in your head, it's not uncommon, and it is a physical issue, causing real physical pain, sometimes unbearable. But it IS treatable, and there is help. Check out the links, K!
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Some people that have this problem were sexually abused and as result feel pain with sex.For others it is an actual physical problem.You should ask a doctor about desensitizing creme to numb it (my sister was given some) so she could have sex.  
Also,you could always try pleasing him orally. It would show him you care enough about his needs without hurting you.
This is a very tough situation because men are so very sexual. Most men cheat anyways,so a man who cheats when you havent had sex is almost expected.
I would really continue to go to doctors until you find out what is wrong though. Dont just expect your husband to live in a sexless marriage and not want to have sex with you. Life is short,and asking a man not to want sex is like asking the sky not to be blue.
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A related discussion, lower back pain for 20 years was started.
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