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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Crush on same-sex friend
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Crush on same-sex friend
by dnkwtd, Jul 19, 2007 12:00AM
I am a male in mid-20s in my senior year at college.. There is this friend of mine who is one of my closest buddies.. I have started to develop a crush on him over the past couple of years... I have a strong desire to get intimate with him physically.. I have tried to bring this up with him in a subtle manner.. He has been very understanding and listens to all that I have to say... But, he is sort of homophobic and is averse to the thought of same-sex relations.. I have tried to get over these feelings but find them coming back to me again and again... While I'm unable to control my thoughts, I'm afraid to bring this up with him again for fear of damaging our friendship... Because of this, I'm caught between opening out to him and keeping these within myself... Please provide some counsel on what I can do...
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Jul 24, 2007 12:00AM
, Jul 24, 2007 12:00AMI think you should leave your friend alone- this isnt what he wants- or if it is, let him suggest it-- you have already intimated that you are interest and it doesnt sound like he wants to be in a same sex relationship. What you should do is go to the college's gay and lesbian center-or something in your city that is open and affirming to people who are gay or bisexual. You need to be around other men who desire men so that you can explore your sexual feelings ina supportive environment. If you keep approaching your friend he might eventually feel pushed and threatened and end your relationship and you don't want that to happen. Learn more about yourself on the web as well- Lambda ( a gay legal organization) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force ( social and civil issues) are among the many organizations you can find on the web. Locally, I bet there are mixers, dances, bars etc where you can meet men.
Bottom line- go where you can have success and acceptance and do not pressure your friend. He can't change his orientation just for you- its sad foryou that you have a crush on someone who is most likely unattainable, but get over it and find someone who wants you just as much as you want him. If you have these thoughts they are real and there is nothing wrong with them. Society is getting more and more knowledgable and accepting about homosexuality. Explore yourself and enjoy your self-whatever your sexual orientation may be.
Member Comments (2)
by QuestionableMotive, Jul 21, 2007 12:00AM
Considering that your friend is straight, I don't think it's wise to keep bringing up your sexual feelings for him, especially if he's uncomfortable with homosexuality. Its important to remember that your field of opportunity is limited to people in the same situation as you and it's not really fair to try to push homosexuality on anyone. If he's happy with himself and his sexual preference I think you need to accept that and if it's hard to keep your friendship without the frustration you feel then you owe it to yourself to move on from the situation. But that's just my opinion.
