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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Delayed Ejaculation and Lost Erections
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Delayed Ejaculation and Lost Erections
by tag222, Sep 07, 2009 04:17PM
My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for three months now. We have intercourse every day since we are both of ages where we are in our "sexual primes." Yes, I am a bit older. Each time we have intercourse though, he loses his erection at least twice before being able to reach the point of ejaculation. And as if that were not enough, there is only one position where he can reach orgasm and he has to move very rapidly to get there. Not pleasant for me. He has to focus to the point where sex is not enjoyable for me and seems like work for him. It is very frustrating because I am a very sexual person and have never in 20 years been with a man who has had such issues. I am losing patience quickly. He has told me that his mother had told him in his younger years that any sexual acts at all were "bad." He claims that he was not able to even reach ejaculation until his early-mid 20's. I don't want to lose him but cannot continue in this type of sexual relationship. What do we do?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 09, 2009 08:10PM
, Sep 09, 2009 08:10PMTo: tag222
Sounds like those messages from mom have done the trick. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes and that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.” Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Now your partner may be feeling inadequate and embarrassed. And most likely, he’s become depressed. Depression can rob a person of their ability to take action.
In addition to that “mom” message, men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game, so when erections or orgasms don’t happen on command, their confidence and self-esteem are affected.
One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. If that's so, the best way to short-circuit those negative messages and allow one's self to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If he conjures up a very hot fantasy in his mind, it may just be the trick to put him over the edge, so to speak.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. Ask him to share more of his memories of negative messages and then ask him to talk about his current attitudes about sex. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of misinformation received in childhood if the adult verbalizes that they no longer believe that. My guess is that once you two get comfortable talking with each other about sex, you’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
Another thing that might help him is to get some accurate information about male sexuality. I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand themselves—and women too!
You also might want to consider getting professional help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A counselor trained to help people talk about sex can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
In addition to that “mom” message, men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game, so when erections or orgasms don’t happen on command, their confidence and self-esteem are affected.
One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. If that's so, the best way to short-circuit those negative messages and allow one's self to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If he conjures up a very hot fantasy in his mind, it may just be the trick to put him over the edge, so to speak.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. Ask him to share more of his memories of negative messages and then ask him to talk about his current attitudes about sex. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of misinformation received in childhood if the adult verbalizes that they no longer believe that. My guess is that once you two get comfortable talking with each other about sex, you’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
Another thing that might help him is to get some accurate information about male sexuality. I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand themselves—and women too!
You also might want to consider getting professional help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A counselor trained to help people talk about sex can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
