Erection Problems

Ok, I am in my 20s, very healthy, very active, and no known health issues. I recently began having sex with my current girlfriend. Long story short, I experienced some performance anxiety, had trouble getting an erection, and have had issues ever since. It will come and go, sometimes able to achieve erection after stimulation, sometimes not. For a short period or time I got over it completely and was just fine and having wonderful sex, but my worries came back and it resurfaced. Prior to this, I never thought about my erection and was always easily aroused with her for oral sex, almost too easily at some points.

I am pretty certain this issue with her is 100% psychological, but my main concern is now I am having issues with my erection on my own. I have fallen into the trap of always worrying about if I get erect, how firm I am, etc., and now it has progressed to many times while I am masturbating and these thought come in. On occasions, I find it difficult to achieve a full erection without physical stimulation. I feel myself getting erect, but I start to notice it and it seems to stop and I have to physically stimulate to get fully hard. This never used to be an issue, so I suspect it is all anxiety related. Any advice/suggestions would be helpful. I am wondering if maybe as I age it is normal to take longer/be more difficult to achieve full erections. Thank you in advance.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

You're right: it's 100% psychological. YOU've created this situation. So what can I do to help? You're asking me to get inside your brain and change the way it works, which is, of course, impossible. But the good news is that you can get yourself out of this the same way you got yourself in it. You're in charge.

Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of such a narrow definition of what constitutes good sex and realize that erections do, in fact take longer the older you get. This does not mean you can't enjoy sex, merely that you need to let go of the expectation that everything will be as it was when you were 16.

Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once you experienced anything less than whatever your definition of a perfect erection is, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. As you've seen, the more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious!

Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. Once you begin to worry about performance, you become a spectator, hovering somewhere below the ceiling, looking down on yourself and worrying about erections.

The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

The harsher you judge yourself and the more you worry, the more you create this viscious circle.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J