When I was a kid, I was raised by a single mom and she wasn't very affectionate with me. As I grew up, people would tell me that hugging me was like hugging a board. I would sometimes also jerk my arm away if someone touched my arm. Just a slight, knee jerk reaction, not too obvious. I was never sexually abused, but I wonder why I became so adverse to touch.
Anyway, fast forward to my late 20's. One time, I had a concern about about something that showed up on my penis and I showed it to a relative. I have zero idea why I did this. It turned out to be normal and not some STI, but I freaked nonetheless and wanted peace of mind.
It was a while back in my late 20's, but I still feel horrible about it. An older relative of mine saw my penis, that's my first issue and it grosses me out. She also could barely see what I was talking about, so she touched one part to get a better look, just like a doctor would do in an exam. It wasn't sexual at all and our family relationship is completely normal. This freaked me out though and I refuse to talk to her about it. I feel ashamed.
My friends say it's silly to think about it. I have always be an obsessive thinker and recently, I thought about how my mother wiped my butt as a kid and the thought of that made me uncomfortable. Am I crazy to think this stuff?!? I'm beginning to think I'm weird or immature or something about touch. I haven't been working a lot recently and I've been thinking about a lot of stuff in my life and in my past. Maybe that's the problem.
I don't want a sexual dysfunction because I'm afraid of people hugging me and stuff. Thanks for your help
You understand yourself better than you think. You have a pattern of over-analyzing things and obsessing about them, and this is hindering your socio-sexual development. You need to find a counselor to talk with about this so you can gain some insight into the causes and work through it. If you don't know where to find one, I suggest contacting your local Planned Parenthood for a referall. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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