This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I believe my girlfriend suffers from Female Sexual Dysfunction. As a supportive boyfriend, I'm wondering what I can do to ease the stress on our relationship, and possibly alleviate her lack of sexual desire.
She is 26, and we've been dating for about 2 months. She said that sex has never interested her, and she has never had an orgasm with anyone. The only way she can have an orgasm is by masturbating, and even then she says it can take up to 40 minutes by herself. She says that she rarely becomes aroused, and that when she is aroused, sex does not interest her. She would rather take care of it herself.
We are emotionally intimate, but the physicality of the relationship is missing. What can I do to help increase her sex drive and pleasure?
First, let’s clarify terms. “Female Sexual Dysfunction” is a term that means many things to many people—everything from never feeling sexual desire, to not having an orgasm during penis-vagina sex with an uncaring, unskilled partner. People tend to want to find “diseases” that explain someone’s behavior. In this case, it’s fruitless. Just because your girlfriend isn’t interested in sex, doesn’t mean she has a disease or a condition. It may simply be that’s who she is.
You're asking me to help with your partner's lack of desire, and I can't change anything for her. If this is an important issue for her, I'm wondering why SHE isn't writing to me. Perhaps she's just as frightened, frustrated and upset as you, but doesn't know where to turn.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
You say she DOES self-pleasure, but isn’t really very turned on or interested. It sounds like she DOESN’T think about sex ever, and it’s not a priority for her. It’s possible that she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here. It’s important that you realize that YOU can’t do anything to increase her desire, other than listen and be supportive and be willing to try anything she suggests.
It's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
Hopefully, the two of you will decide to see a therapist trained to help people talk about their sexual issues. That would be a constructive next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
sounds like she has been masturbating for quite awhile.she needs to stop and wait till she really gets the desire and then let you take care of her.do you talk dirty when your having sex?whisper in her ear and tell her what you would like to do to her.if she has a problem getting aroused then prolong the foreplay till she's good and wet.and if that don't work suck on her toes,get them good and wet and roll your tongue over around and inbetween each toe.do it gently and when you feel her getting aroused work your way up her body not leaving anything that hasn't been licked or sucked on.if she's willing to give it a try it shouldn't take long before she's dripping like a water faucet
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