Fiance has intimacy issues

[txyesboy]

I am 36, my fiancé is 40. We began dating in 9/06 and it was true love. We bonded on all levels; we talked well and the sex was frequent and amazing. I had never experienced sex so good with another person. I’d been with 15 ppl, but she confided she’s been with many more. I wasn’t bothered about it ‘cause it had no bearing on the future. We would go 4-5 times a week. And these sessions were long, including her reaching climax 10-12 times. Now, she *has* a past, that she has shown me glimpses of, but only recently have these glimpses reared their ugly head. She’s been abused by her dad as a child, and by another man in her teens. She had to grow up at an early age. She joined the military in her late teens, and had a good career. But she spent most of her time overseas in her teens/20’s.The attention she received (she’s an attractive, buxom woman) from her military days were because she was an only woman in some of these places, so sex was easily attainable for her. By her late 20’s, she was out of the service and back in the US, but more of the same failed relationships, and accepted that her lot in life was to be alone, and just have “friends with benefits”. I’m the first true LOVE she’s had in many years. But we’ve gone from 4-5 a week to where she is afraid of physical and emotional intimacy with me now – and I don’t know what it is. She’s not an open person, and only when cornered to open up will she say something, and it’s not much. But she did say lately that she has intimacy issues, and she is not wanting sex, and it doesn’t have anything to do with me – something has stirred memories of her past, and she is afraid to confront them. She is afraid I’ll leave her, but she doesn’t want to confront the past, and she doesn’t want to be sexual at all. I’m worried about her I don’t want it to be just about sex. I want to help, but when I tell her I can, she flat out doesn’t want to revisit them. She says it could be just a phase and hopefully it will go away.

[donb_fl]

sweep it under the rug... Its so tempting.. and its what i did for 20 years... until flashbacks starting hitting me, and my mind forced the issue. but then i still tried to cover it up. Then i wound up in a hospital with a 3 hour flashback, and i was baker-acted (held for observation by force, committed). One day she will have to deal with it, but until then no relationship will be healthy and complete.

[txyesboy]

Thank you for you reply! I hated that the message box is only 2000 characters, i wanted to get so much more in there. :) i wanted to point out that i agree with you - sex was a vehicle for her in her past. Now that someone really LOVES her (what she sees as love), I think she has decided to not see me as someone she wants to be sexual with anymore. And it's not as if she doesn't love me; she shows me in so many other ways - but physically is not one of them. She's a Scorpio, so she's not easy to deal with anyway! :) But she clearly wants to be married, she enjoys the idea of marriage and living together, and it's really beyond sex at this point - I just want her to realize i'm someone she can trust to open up with her feelings. i'm afraid however, that she has pretty muched nixed any talks of progressing together about the issue - i no longer bring it up, as she gets very defensive. She has no intentions of wanting to go to counseling or therapy; she'd rather sweep it under the rug.

[Ohmygosh]

She needs to see someone, that is a long time to hold that all in.  Otherwise she will stay in this cycle.  To me it sounds like she has the sex to fill a need, and then moves on to other men.
  She has been with you a while now, and maybe her past is finally catching up with her and too much to deal with.  
  She really needs to talk to someone about her past.  Otherwise she will never be able to move on.
Good luck!!