This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I've been with my fiancee for a little over 3 years. We are engaged and I found out that every time he's alone at his house he always goes on the computer to watch porn and looks at escorts on internet sites. I'm very worried because I'm not sure is he's actually calling them and having sexual relations. He has no idea that I know. Please help. I feel like he's cheating on me and at times I just want to end the relationship because this is something that I will never accept.
That's the problem with finding out something you're not supposed to know: it's very difficult to raise the issue. However, if you're truly uncomfortable with your partner's sexual fantasy life, it's something you're going to have to talk about because that's how the real world works.
Your question is quite complex and not easily answered within the brief format of this forum, so my answers may seem a bit abrupt.
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
It also sounds to me like you feel if your partner self-pleasures, he’s “unfaithful” or doesn’t want you. Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with him. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures or has a private fantasy life, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life “hurt and confused” because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just expressing his need to be separate and apart from you. If you try to regulate this by setting yourself up as his supervisor, that’s the fastest way I can think of to destroy your sexual relationship. After all, who wants to have sex with their mother?
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth. Clearly, his activities are triggering some insecurity in you. And the two of you need to talk with each other about what each of your expectations is of the relationship. The worst mistake some women make is to set themselves up as “behavior sheriffs” because their partners then inevitably begin to feel guilty if they screw up, and guilt is the enemy of sexual attraction. I hope you'll think seriously about the issues I've raised and begin to discuss them with your fiancee. Perhaps a good way to start would be a conversation about fantasy and the role it plays in almost everyone's life. That might give him a chance to talk with you about what he does with his private time. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I too had the same issue with my ex. Notice I said ex. He was pretty much addicted to online porn and it used to drive me crazy! At times I would walk in the room and he would rush and minimize it! I hated it with a passion. I knew this would be one of the things that would end our relationship. Because even though they are not physically cheating, it feels like they are cheating. I wouldn't say end the relationship, but I would talk to him about it asap. Find out what he enjoys most about online porn etc. Let him know its bothering you and see how he responds. If he does not plan on stopping, which I don't think my ex was going to do, thats a serious problem. You will continue to feel uncomfortable for your entire relationship. I wish you the best of luck my dear.
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