For some reason I can't have an orgasm during sex?

[cocoa84]

I don't understand how man can always always get off during sex but for me the only ways to get off is to do it by myself? I have tried many many new things.My husband has put forth alot of effort,but for some reason I can only have one by myself.We have many toys.I just don't understand.He does everything right.Is something wrong with me?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

I guess you haven't been reading the other posts. If you did, you'd see that many women have the same issue as yours. In fact, many feel totally inadequate because they can't have a "hands-off" orgasm during penis-vagina sex. Well guess what? Most women don't. Why? Because penis-vagina sex is designed to provide maximum stimulation to the penis, NOT the clitoris.

A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!

While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?

Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex is about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and dressing up in sexy clothes, and... Sorry. I got carried away there :)

Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.

If you'd like to experiment with some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation, here are some to try:

• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
  Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.

For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.

One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re wet. There are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes). Have fun! Dr. J

[Fuzzz]

No - nothing is wrong with you or your husband - it's tricky for women.  I have trouble during intercourse also; I've had sort of little ones, or I've come close but forgot to let him know not to switch positions because we were in one that might work with enough time.  

If you haven't tried it with him sitting in a chair, maybe an office type chair, with you sitting on top, I'd recommend trying that.  You can control angle and may get the stimulation you need to the clit area.  But talk ahead of time so he knows what you're doing and he won't interrupt your train of thought and relaxed state of mind as you experiment.  You don't want to feel pressure to perform.  If shyness is a problem (and that's just one possibility), you can wear any outfit that makes you feel the sexiest.  

I have to instruct the male on hand position (flat fingers) and I also press down in my pubic area to cover the sensitive clit and allow only indirect stimulation.  I give lots of feedback when he's in the right area, and how the speed and pressure are.  And it takes women longer than men expect - maybe 30 minutes of uninterrupted motion, especially while you're still learning.  But the second and third ones come much easier.  :)  It is also easiest for me early in the lovemaking, while I'm most stimulated with anticipation.